


(And maybe I don't quite know what to say) I just wanted you to know that this is me trying

by YNAD_77



Series: The Blue Dragon: Azula´s Journey to Redemption [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Flashbacks, IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE AZULA DESERVED A REDEMPTION BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO AN ABUSED CHILD, IN THIS HOUSE WE RESPECT URSA AND DONT BLAME HER FOR AZULA, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), Multi, Other, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, SHE WAS FOURTEEN, Slow Burn, Zuko (Avatar) is a Good Brother, but people (specially CHILDREN) can grow and become better with proper help, idk where the hell did i got so many chapter from, like the slowest of slow burns ever, no one is straight, sorry in advance, still we do not excuse her abusive behavour towards zuko and other characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 75,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26556586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YNAD_77/pseuds/YNAD_77
Summary: “I need to know where mother is.” A wicked smile crossed Ozai´s face. (...) She did not back down, she swallowed up the regret and braved up. She knew what she had to do; it was the only way to payback Zuko for what he had done to her. She didn’t need her father anymore.
Relationships: Azula & Mai & Ty Lee, Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: The Blue Dragon: Azula´s Journey to Redemption [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074116
Comments: 87
Kudos: 161





	1. Book 1: Fire. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I´m YNAD!  
> I´d like firstly to thank you, reader, for stepping into my fanfic, I hope for you to enjoy reading it as much as I am enjoying writing it.  
> Also, this is my first fanfic work in YEARS, so I´m not very updated with the terms (I have no clue what beta means, but I think is something like having your work previously checked for errors, whatever, the only check i got what the autospelling correct, so...)  
> English is not my first language (and at this rate not even my second) so bare with me, I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> I know what i want to achieve with the fic, but I don´t have an specific plot for it, so I will mainly be specific important moments in the redemption and healing of Azula.

**“Fire is the element of power. The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will and the energy and drive to achieve what they want.”**

The guard extended his hand. Azula extended hers and put a little sack into his. Both of them knew these routine, for it had been one they had followed for the past four months. Azula was patient, after all, all her life she had been taught to be, just as she was well taught in this plan of hers. Azula never lost, she would never again.  
The walls in the prison could have been enough to make almost anyone claustrophobic, she knew it beforehand, but her visit was quick, quick and efficient as she had always been. Had she been foolish enough to be nicer or kinder she would wonder how her benderless father was holding on among the coldness the stone kept, but she was not a fool. Nervousness would not be unusual for such situation, but Azula had never been usual and she would not find comfort in normality just about now. She was in control now, she was In control.

  
After walking what had been fifteen minutes at least (her brother, the current Firelord, had really put a thought on how to keep the world safe from father Ozai after all. However, Azula knew that he ever escaped prison not even fifteen minutes would be enough to hold him up) she finally hit her destiny. It was not her first time in a place like this, she had seen Boiling rock after all, still, she found herself being surprised by her surroundings in contrast of how things were just three years ago. The cell was miserable, and yet she didn´t thought it brought justice fairly to the crime.

  
Ozai was not surprise to see her, even if she never stated her coming back. He knew she always would. And she had. Azula gave him nothing else to rejoice upon, no emotion laid on her face as their eyes met. Azula was in control now, a smile crossed her face, it was a war as it always had been, and for the first time, Azula won, she was outside the cell, after all.

  
“Father” she addressed him. She had won, Azula had to remind herself despite it all, she was in control and she won.

  
“Azula, at what do I owe the pleasure this time?” Azula took her time to blink, he noticed, he had noticed how her eyes had stayed closed for a little longer. She won, she repeated, she won, she won.

  
“It´s almost time” No. Her breath would not shake, too many years had she controlled her emotions, her fears, she would not break when she was so close, so close this time. “I´ve gained my brother´s trust again, the fool won´t suspect a thing about me. It is all coming together now. However, there is one last thing you need to do before I come back one last time.”

Azula had studied war and strategie since before she could even Firebend, she knew every battle and knew exactly how and why had they failed. Even the ones they had won, she could have won them better, more efficiently. She had always known the Firethrone was hers, her father made sure of it. She knew how to write speeches and fuel them with tenue fear. Azula had dominated how to be the perfect Firelord. She knew how to phrase her words, she didn’t need anything per se, Ozai did. She had won, she was in control. This time it had to go like that, she could not outsmart her own dad, she had to play his game and beat him in it, stay in control. Azula felt the words she was about to stay twirling in her tongue, she was doing this because of Zuko after all, and that alone was enough motivation to courage them up.

  
“I need to know where mother is.” A wicked smile crossed Ozai´s face. The same one he had the night Zuko and been dishonored and banished. As if he had won, as if he was in control. Azula smiled back, no, he wasn’t, she was. She didn’t need to know anything, but he had to let her know. The princess of the Fire Nation could have let more words escape her mouth and explain her detailed plan. But she didn’t, she was in control, she had the power after all, and Ozai would have to trust her blindly, completely. But why wouldn’t he? She was back after all, he had tamed her well and Azula had never, ever lost before. Azula won, she got what she wanted and left. She took one last look at her dad before she left and almost regretted what she was about to do, the smile on his face now was the same he had had when she performed for her grandfather, or when she first redirected his lightning; the closest to pride for her he ever expressed. She did not back up, she swallowed up the regret and braved up. She knew what she had to do; it was the only way to payback Zuko for what she had done to her. She didn’t need her father anymore.


	2. Dreaming dreams with happy ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The tricky thing  
> Is yesterday we were just children  
> Playing soldiers  
> Just pretending  
> Dreaming dreams with happy endings"  
> -Taylor Swift, Eyes Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language (and at this rate not even my second) so bare with me, I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> 

Unconsciousness hugged him, Katara had done her best to heal him after taking Azula´s lightning, but he couldn’t stand up just yet. Every single inch of his body felt numb and on fire at the same time. He had been so ready for whatever his sister might through at him, but he never saw that coming. If he vocalized this to anyone, he might be called mad, how couldn’t he foresee the craziness of his sister? How couldn’t he be aware of how far she would go to win? But the thing was, that Azula would have never done what she did. She knew as well as him the ways of the Fire Nation, she knew how sacred an Agni Kai was and he knew she would never dare dishonor its practice. It was just between them both, not against Katara or anyone else. So, the mere though that his sister might use her against him never crossed his mind.

But then again, there had been a time in which fighting an Agni Kai against his sister would have been as far as a though as it could be. It should be even now, but it wasn’t. It had been, when they were just children (weren’t they just children about right now?), when they hadn’t had to worry about wars, and avatars and fighting their own sibling. When they could just chase around each other in the garden, and Zuko would give Azula piggy rides and teach her how to swim on Ember Island. It all seemed far away, as far as it had seemed now for a long time.

While he was looking for the avatar, he obliged his mind to stay as far away from home as possible. _Home_. The word tasted bittersweet even on his mind. His title told him his nation was his home, and yet a part inside him told him that even if he did come back, he would never be able to sleep on his left side there again. Not being able to hear or see his surroundings would keep him in agonizing wake between the same walls he was supposed to feel safe. It had been, once. Never precisely because of his father, ever since Azula had told him that he was going to kill him something inside him had changed. He hadn’t killed him, but his mother had disappeared the night his grandfather had died, and his father had taken the throne. Apparently, Ozai’s ambition for the throne ran more deeply than his hatred towards his own son. Zuko had known even then his father hated him, he had other scars that he would claim were from battle, when the only fight he had at such a young age had been the one inside his own house. The thing is that he thought he hated him for not being good enough, for not being Azula. So no, Ozai had never make Zuko feel like Home. His mother had, but then she disappeared into the night and he could have felt right there out of place, with no one that loved him around, but, just for some time, he had Azula.

Azula, his younger sister, the Firebender prodigy, his father’s favorite. He could hate her, it would have been easy, she was bossy, thought herself cleverer than him and was always picking on him. She was insufferable, on the way small sisters had the right to be. But he didn’t hate her, even though she would push him and trick him into shaking hands just to give him a shock, he didn’t hate her. Even when his father made them fight just to humiliate him and extol how better Azula was than him, he didn’t hate her (his father hadn’t know that afterwards his sister would tell him how to better his stance, though with little kindness in her, but Azula had never been kind). Even when his father would summon Azula to show her off in front of his best generals to humiliate them on how a 10 year old girl had mastered lightning way before them, he didn’t hate her, because he would be the one to find Azula relentlessly training afterwards because apparently she still was not good enough and, even if the generals hadn’t caught upon it, their father would know if Azula had screwed up her forms. He hadn’t hated her then, he couldn’t, they shared the same common fear even if she´d deny it. They could only find real home in each other, with the knowledge that neither of them would really harm the other, they could be safe against each other and cover their backs against common threat.

  
Or at least, that is was Zuko used to thought, until the Agni Kai. He rather not to remember that day, but when he did, he could see from the sided his own sister smile for his burning flesh. Then, then he had hated her with all his heart. He ha hated himself even more for thinking Azula would choose him over their father. He had known they would never really harm each other, but only if it depended on each other. If his father told her to harm him, she would, and Zuko didn’t know if Azula would have a limit if it came down to that.

Apparently not, the last Agni kai had proven so. And Zuko thought he hated his sister; he had believed that for as long as they had been going for each other’s throats. He had every reason to, and yet the screams of Azula was the only thing keeping him from totally fainting. He had never heard her like that, she hadn’t even heard her raise her voice. She was terrifying on her own, she didn’t have the need to scream to be heard, to scare.

And yet, she was screaming, crying relentlessly. _And Zuko just couldn’t hate her_.

He stood up with the help of Katara, she looked exhausted. That was Azula´s effect on people, apparently, exhaustion and a sad look on their face. And he saw her, with her hands chained behind her and blue fire coming out of her mouth. It was such a strange sight, her feet weren’t chained, he knew that if she wanted there could still be a battle, but she didn’t. Katara looked away and he should have done it too, yet he was figuring out how it all felt to him.

They had win, he didn’t know if Aang had managed against his father, but Azula had always been the biggest threat. And they had beaten her. That was it, wasn’t it? Wasn’t that what they had wanted all along? Wasn’t that Zuko’s deep secret dream? To best his sister? Then, why did it feel so wrong? Why couldn’t the enjoy what was supposed to be hiss moment of glory? “I´m never happy” he remembered telling that to Sokka, maybe it was true. He wasn’t happy right now at all.

Instead, he felt sadness come over his hurt body. A sadness he didn’t know he could feel towards Azula. He had felt lots of things towards her in the last four years, but pity and sadness had never been one of them.

He couldn’t move and he couldn’t look away. He had never seen his sister cried. He remembered how he used to cried when he fell or scrapped his knee and his mother’s arms around him while she cured him. “Crying is for babies; true warriors take care of themselves” Azula would say. Even when she burnt herself in practice she would never cry. But now, before him, there was a crying screaming Azula. He couldn’t even recognize her, she looked so… small.

He remembered when she had started wearing make up, she was ten years old and looked ridiculous. Before, her face kind of reminded him of their mom, now she looked just wrong. Not that there was nothing wrong with make up, but Azula looked like she was trying to prove a point that shouldn’t be hers to prove. “I won’t tolerate being taken as a child, I am their princess now and they will learn to respect me as such.” She had told him when he dared to ask. “But you are a child” he had wanted to tell her, but he opted against it. It worked just fine for along time, with her mature attitude and her maked-up face even he would forget she was supposed to be younger than him.

But now, the water had wiped her face clean and looked again like the child she was. Zuko reminded himself that that was his fourteen year old sister, and not a cruel general like Zhao, or an evil tyrant as his father, or even a war criminal like his uncle. It was just Azula, his little sister Azula. Whom had been cruel and relentless mean towards him, even more than little sisters had the right to be, whom had tried to kill his friend with lightning just for a win, whom had threatened to kill him and his friends in multiple times but for what? Hadn’t he done the same to gain back his honor and father´s so called love? Wasn’t she doing the same under the same premise? Hadn’t they grown up thinking that if they weren’t good enough, they did not deserved love? _Azula was born lucky, Zuko was just lucky to be born._ He wondered how much truth there was in that phrase. Yes, he had been banished, and burnt and his honor had been taken away from him. But he had known love, from his mother, to his uncle and now the Gaang. He had learned that what his father did was not love, it was just plain wrong. But Azula hadn’t had nobody. No one had been there for her to teach her another way, a better way. He wondered, against the scene in front of him, which of them was really the lucky one.

Katara and Zuko stood there until the flames were consumed and Azula´s cries fainted with her. He remembered what it felt being a year younger than her and losing an Agni Kai, remembered how it felt to have his honor tripped away. A silent question laid in front of them. Now what? He knew that if Aang defeated his father prison was the answer to him, but to her? In just seamed wrong. But she still represented a danger, towards others and herself.

“Katara” he softly asked, his voice trembled along with all the muscles in is body. “Where would you take someone if you don’t want them to hurt you or themselves, but don’t deserve prison yet?” he asked. He couldn’t force himself to say all the things that sentence meant, which were things like “I know you hate her, but she is my sister and I cannot put her down in prison like that” or “I believe Azula deserved better then, and deserves better than prison now”, or “I just want my little sister back”. Katara gave him some sort of compression behind her big blue eyes.

“A hospital, Zuko. A very safe and good hospital”

In truth, Zuko didn’t know how he found later himself carrying her unconscious sister´s body towards a hospital. Both for him, for her and later, for Sokka too. But there was a time in which it was just for Zuko and Azula alone. Two sibling whom, at the moment, complemented each other pretty well; where one had physical health the other lacked of, whereas where Zuko had finally reached peace of mind, Azula was as far from that as she could, and not precisely from her own fault. They had won, Zuko could almost sleep at peace. There was no longer war, his father couldn’t hurt him anymore and they had beaten Azula in their duel. There was still a long path to walk down, for all. His nations crimes rested heavily against his shoulders, there were so many amends yet to be made. They had won, but at what cost? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! Thanks for the comments, reading me and the kudos. I take them in account to imporve!  
> In this fic Zuko is 16, Azula is 14, Katara 14, Sokka 15, Aang 12, Toph 12.  
> Another thing, I haven´t read the comics and quite frankly and I dont think I will...?? I have seen a couple of scenes in which they did Azula very dirty, I dont want to read through that. But I may take some aspects of the journey of Ursa´s life journey (my sister reads them and keeps me updated though).  
> I found out I do need to keep this linear if I want to make the point I want to make, so... f  
> I don´t know when will I be updating, I would like to compromise and state a date, but quite franky I´m in a point in which there is already too much stress in my life and i woulndt like to update just to update, I want to do this with my heart and seeing it as an obligation would not do it. I can say though, that I will try to do it once in a week.  
> Thanks for reading me!


	3. I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azula reflects on her recent defeat and does not deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Thanks for stopping by to read me. I hope you´ve had a great last week of the month. I hope you enjoy this new chapter and know that just by reading it you have a place in my heart <3

As the trained warrior she was, as soon as she opened her eyes, Azula wasted no time to scan the room she was found in. She couldn’t figure out where she was. All the walls were white, _too_ white. She wasn’t anywhere inside the palace, there was no room such as this there. Azula even doubted there was such a white room in the whole Firenation. However, the warrior inside her rested and the child came out with fear; why was she here?

Memories quickly flooded her brain as the whole last day passed through her mind. Her father leaving her with the title of Firelord behind, the preparation through her coronation, the list of people she had banished, how her useless hair refused to cooperate, her mother´s ghost…

She tried to push the thoughts aside, but they didn’t disappear as well as her mother had. Agni, she hated her. She hated her so much sometimes, and yet she still told her she loved her. How cynic of her, complementing her on her chopped hair and making fun of her. She didn’t love her; she had never loved her. And she was okay with it, Azula was not a big softie like her brother, she didn’t need her mother´s love when she thrived being her father´s pride.

Because she was. She really was. Not once in over two hundred years of the glorious story of the Firenation had there been a Firebender with blue fire. It was a skill that required utter concentration, the correct forms, and the highest level of control. It was perfection. And she had achieved it way before other masters before her. She had mastered lightning like no other before, she even outsmarted her own father in the bending of it. And that was something she took pride on, and so did her father. Firelord Ozai must be so proud to have fathered the best Firebender in history. She was her father´s daughter, Firelord Azulon Granddaughter, and the great Sozin´s great granddaughter. Greatness relied upon her, why wouldn’t he be proud?

 _“Then why did he leave you behind?”_ There she was again. Her mother´s ghost. Mocking her. She tried to ignore her, as successfully as before. Yet, Azula couldn’t help but to notice that that question had floated around her head since then. Why would he leave her behind? It was her idea, she deserved to see it come true. She had been nothing but loyal to her father, she had conquered Ba Sing Se, another thing for him to be proud of her. Then why had she been left behind? Was she suddenly as her brother? Not good enough?

No. Azula was _not_ her brother. She was better and the lack of burn in her face was enough proof of it. He was the banished prince, a traitor, a disgrace to the family. She was not soft and weak as him, she had never failed like him. Azula was nothing like Zuko, and she took pride in it. While Zuko represented everything that was wrong through their father´s eyes, Azula was as opposite as she could be from him. Their father was proud of her, therefore he loved her, unlike her bother.

Then why had he left her behind?

Azula was a great strategist, is her conquest of Ba Sing Se proved anything. As soon as her father ascended to the throne, she and Zuko had begun taking the preparation the future Firelord required to have. She remembered how Zuko was mad that his younger sister was taking the same classes and preparation as him, when she was not heir to the crown. However, he never brought this concern to their father, sometimes Zuko used that brain of his. It would have been pointless, anyway, they both knew why she was taking them; in case something horrible suddenly happened to the crown prince, as if it was not due to happen eventually.

Azula always knew the crown would be hers, because she was not a failure, she was not Zuko, and her father would be found death before passing the crown to someone like him.

And now it was. She was the Firelord.

**(Then why had he left her behind?)**

All the preparation, all the studies on strategy, all she had learnt before could never have prepared her to outsee this outcome. Never in a million years had it occurred to her that her father would leave her behind. He would turn his back on Zuko in the blink of an eye, on his brother, his wife even his own father, but never, _never_ on Azula. If loyalty had ever existed in the family, it had been only among Azula and Firelord Ozai. Or so she thought.

**(WHY HAD HE LEFT HER BEHIND?)**

She looked around. Too white, too quiet, too peaceful. Certainly not home. She tried remembering how she had woken up here and then it came.

The Agni Kai. And the failure that accompanied it.

Failure tasted a lot like hatred, and it looked an awful lot like her mother. Zuko reminder her too much of her, that’s why she hated him. And now he had beaten her. No, the water peasant had. Her lightning had strike right into her brothers’ chest, she had rightfully won that Agni kai. She was Firelord now.

But then what? She had been chained; her wrists still held on some pain. She had screamed aloud; she had set her words on fire. And then what? How had she ended up here? Wherever it was.

What were those clothes? Also, white. There was a bed. Also, white.

It did not look like a jail.

She always supposed that when she became Firelord, either Zuko would still be in his pointless search for the avatar, would have been officially exhaled or he would have returned home, accepting at least his own failure. She assumed that, if the last case came to an end, if Zuko was smart enough they wouldn’t even have to gift for the throne, he would honorably accept his failure and move apart, then, she supposed, he would have been thrown in jail. If their father was still around. Truth to be told, Azula wouldn’t have liked that. Sure, he was a failure and a dishonor to the whole Firenation, but the scar spoke loud enough, no need to send him to a jail to rot. But her father wouldn’t even want to see him around, so he would have been set aside, disposed like trash.

But the place she was at did not looked like if she was being tossed aside. Then, her father surely wasn’t aware of her failure. She still had some time to scape before he was told.

**(WHY HAD HE LEFT HER BEHIND?!)**

Fear loaded her. He would know. He would certainly know she had failed against her own brother, against Zuko. How much lower could she fall? Where would she go? There would be no place on earth were shame and failure didn’t haunt her. Would she ever be able to come back to her nation? Her father wouldn’t let her come back without her honor. Then what? Would he send her to chase after ghosts like him? Would he burn her in front of everyone who had ever feared her? She would rather die; she would rather die in that Agni Kai than lose her honor like that. Like Zuko.

Zuko had won, there was no turning it around now. There was no way failure could fall upon him and she would be saved. She always knew what her father was capable of, that had never been a surprise, she knew that if she failed, he would not hesitate to teach her a lesson or two. But Zuko had almost always been there, and if Zuko was better than Azula at anything it was at failing. If they trained together, her father would ignore if she messed up because Zuko messed up even worse. When perfection was still out of her reach, just being better than him saved her enough. But then he was banished and there was no one to compete with. Almost perfect stopped being good enough when she was eleven years old. And now, oh how the tables had turned, she had been good. She had given a good fight, almost perfect, but almost wasn’t good enough and she lost. She lost. And there was no one to turn an eye to or to save her from the shame.

Is this why he had left her behind? Had he somehow foreseen the outcome of that fight? Had he concluded that, after all this time, Azula was still not good enough? Would she ever, to her dad, be good enough?

Maybe she deserved this, whatever wherever this was. White, clean, and too peaceful for it to be. Somewhere where red and gold didn’t reach, she didn’t deserve to be associated with fire, she had lost the honor she once had. She didn’t deserve the heat of the palace; she had lost the right to hold her head up high. She was no longer Princess Azula of the Firenation, nor Firelord Azula as she once was supposed to be, no, she had lost it all. Now she was just Azula. Just Azula, whom her father had left behind. _Just Azula._

Azula always lied, it came as a habit now. Lying to herself wasn’t hard, and so she told to herself that the thought of just being her, just being Azula, didn’t terrified her to the core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I projecting? Maybe... what about it??  
> Seriously though, I´ve always felt terrible thinking how Azula´s life wasnt really hers to live. She had a lot placed upon her, so I started thinking that she really doesnt know who she is at the core. Maybe this is something I´ll be exploring further on. If someone has ideas or somehting that would like to see included, let me know.


	4. Dropping glasses just to hear them break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No-one 'round here's good at keeping their eyes closed  
> The sun's starting to light up when we're walking home  
> Tired little laughs, gold lie promises,  
> We'll always win at this, I don't ever think about death  
> It's alright if you do, it's fine"   
> Lorde, Glory and Gore
> 
> A week alter after Zuko´s and Azula´s Agni Kai, Zuko visits for the first time her sister. No one told Azula her brother was still alive and so she reflects on the idea of how killing him makes her feel. Zuko is really trying to do his best for his sister, but he doesn´t know how, he is doing his best though

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for taking that long to update, college is killing me and last week wasn't the best for me. I and grateful for your patience and for your reads.  
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> TRIGGER WARNING: THERE IS A SUBTLE (MAYBE NOT SO SUBTLE) HINT OF SELF HARM, CHILD ABUSE, MENTAL HEATLH/ILLNESS AND SUICIDE TENDENCY. IF YOU ARE SENSIBLE TO THESE SUBJECTS PLEASE PROCEED CAREFULLY.

Azula had been sitting in her bed, looking trough the bars of her window. “This is not a prison” a doctor had told her a few days earlier, this was supposed to be a mental institution, and yet it had gated windows. “Its so patients don’t jump” they had told her as well. 

A week had passed since the Agni Kai against her brother and her first battle being lost. The memories still stung to her like the glass she had punched a few nights ago. They secured windows so people wouldn’t die but they didn’t take the mirrors out, as if she couldn’t break it and use the glass instead. Her hands fell sore because she had refused to let people treat her. She didn’t need them, though her hands were bleeding. She could take care of herself, and she did. She was a warrior; she wasn’t a helpless child who needed help from her mother. 

Her mothers ghost disagreed. She was the reason she had broken the mirror in the first place. In this place where her make up laid unavailable for her she remembered why she used it in the first place. Way before it was too over the top, before lipstick and blush, liner, and everything else, it had only been a fine line over her eyelids. It was after her mother disappeared. Zuko had always said she looked a lot like her, she knew this was a fact. Disgracefully her father knew that too, and though he never loved Ursa, Azula could still feel some hatred in his eyes when he saw the resemblance of his late wife in his daughter. As if she reminded her of her mother. Azula knew it wasn’t because he missed her, like her brother, but rather because Ursa was weak. She knew that that was what her father thought. He despised the way she softened Zuko and tried to soften her as well; how she played with him and feed turtleducks. She was kind, not with her though, but overall, she was. An even if she wasn’t as kind with her as she was with Zuko, even if Zuko was her favorite, she didn’t treat her like Ozai treated his least favorite. No matter how much of a monster her own mother may have thought she was, she didn’t hurt her, or harm and despised her as Ozai had with Zuko. 

Azula´s resemblance with her mother ended in the looks, she wasn’t nice, she wasn’t kind, and she certainly wasn’t weak. But her father still saw something of Ursa inside her, and that was enough for Azula to change her face. She wasn’t her mother, she didn’t want to be, and a little line around her eyes was enough to do the trick. She looked bolder, more mature, and a lot less like her mother. Her mother had soft edges even in her eyes. She had kindness and compassion in those eyes of her, her golden eyes were honey-like, sweet. Almost like fire to keep your home warm. Azula had never said it, but even at a young age Zuko had the same eyes. She supposed that if she were kinder, her eyes would glow the same way. Instead, hers were like Ozai’s, and she was proud of that. Her eyes were not soft and kind, there were bold, sharp, always calculating her next attack. Ozai´s and Azula eyes were gold and resembled fire, but the kind of fire that was made to conquer, to kill, to burn down. And she liked that. She didn’t need a soft fire like Zuko, what good was a home fire against the fire of the battleground? She wasn’t weak, she wasn’t her mother and she wasn’t him.

The lines made hey eyes look fierce. But she had no access to it around here, and soon she could see her baby face again. She hated that face, the one she went to sleep in every night. It wasn’t a face that received respect, and she learnt that by the hard way, she began to use lipstick and to contour her cheeks to look older, more mature. Respectable, not a child.

The day before today, she had stared at her reflection for a moment too long. Her mothers’ ghost could not leave her alone, even less when she saw her in her own face. She hated her. She looked so small, she looked well… like a fourteen year old. The thought was bittersweet. She had never been fourteen years old; she had been commander of troops and leader of invasions and princess of the Fire nation. Titles as such lacked age, she had never been fourteen years old, they were in war, no one had gotten to be a child, and she wasn’t excepted from that. But now she was none of that, she had no title, no honor, no home, nothing. She was only a fourteen year old being haunted by her mother´s ghost.  
“I love you Azula, Ill always do” Agni wasn’t she tired? Tired of keep saying the same old lie a million times. Azula hated that, her mother couldn’t be a liar, she was kind and compassionate, and didn’t tell lies. And yet here she was. Azula didn’t like her mother lying to her, because that meant, that despise all her efforts they still had one common thing, and Azula was nothing like her. 

“You look pretty without your make up” that was the last push Azula needed, she broke the mirror with her bare hands, she was sick of seeing her mother and hearing her calling her pretty, and looking at the mirror was like looking twice at her mom. 

The glass shattered around her fist and it buried itself deep in some parts. The blood was the reddest she had seen since she arrived. The only things that had colors that reminded her of her home was that, the red of her blood and the gold in her eyes. Both violent. Those were the colors that were supposed to represent fire, and yet they looked so cold. The broken pieces of the mirror covered the floor around her, and she couldn’t walk without getting hurt. Good. Between all of the unknown that surrounded her, pain was at least familiar. 

Zuko had a clear scar in his face, but that didn’t mean Azula didn’t knew of other scars around his body that may have mirror hers. But unlike her brother, Azula didn’t have a single scar that had been caused from him, from their father directly. Neither did she had scars caused by Zuko. She could, and she might have deserved it, but she didn’t. well, until now. She could blame Zuko for the blood in her hands and in her feet, she guessed. Her brother was soft and always too easy to guilt trip, if she played her cards well, she might even get out. But what is she blamed Zuko for the blood in her hands? She wasn’t winning something by it, just an excuse to guilt rip Zuko and get something with it. But what? She had no answer. 

The door opened and she saw Zuko. He looked like he had lost an Agni Kai against her just a week earlier, which of course he had. Azula didn’t know she was holding a breath until she left it out, but no one had mentioned that her brother was still alive. 

The Agni Kai was still blurry in her mind. She remembered the orange sky and the violent heat her fire let out and the lack of it coming from her brothers. She remembers him asking for lightening, and her giving in. She remembers the water tribe peasant getting in the way and aiming at her. Zuko had claimed he knew how to redirect it, she didn’t believe it, of course, but whether he could do it or not hadn’t been the reason on why she changed her aim at the last moment. Nor because his fire wasn’t violent and fulled with fear and rage but rather controlled and almost safe. Nor because she knew he wouldn’t kill her, given the chance, but because she had to. Her dad had left her to be the Fire lord and, for both´s sake, she couldn’t let that get away. There was no way the avatar defeated Fire lord Ozai, and when he came back, he couldn’t find out she lost against Zuko, Zuko for Agni´s sake, the family´s disgrace. There would be no safe place for her if she lost right then and there. It was because Zuko had a soft heart and she knew it would hurt him even more to see his friend hurt than him. He was weak, like Ursa had been, and this was no place for him. It had been because for a moment she saw the same eyes that in the mirror told her that they loved her. “I love you Azula, I always have”. It wasn’t fair that him and their mother were so alike, it wasn’t fair that while she took upon her looks, he took everything else from her. Her love, her attention, her kindness, everything, and left Azula with none. It wasn’t fair her lies and her fake claims of love that she could almost hear too in her brother. He wouldn’t kill her; he wouldn’t kill her after all. And in that moment, she found out that she couldn’t kill him either. Not without feeling like she was killing her mom, not without risking hearing for the rest of her life how much of a monster she was from her. No praise from her father would deafen the monster accusations that she would hear every day from her. Would Zuko scream the same way he had when their father had pressed his burning hand against his eye? Would she be able to live knowing she had been the cause of it? Would she be able to sleep at night? Or would his ghost haunt her as well? Seeing her mother was bad enough, but if she had to listen to Zuko saying how much he loved her while she had killed him would certainly drive her mad. 

She felt the tip of her fingers already charged with a deadly strike which she couldn’t bring to aim at him. But she couldn’t fail on purpose either, or her doubt would be seen and used against her. So, the best second choice was her, the water tribe girl. She didn’t know her enough to be haunted by her blue eyes at night. She could live with that. Her mother certainly would still be mad and would call her a monster every day for the rest of her life, but she had given up trying to satisfy her mother vision of her a long time ago. Besides, of course she was right. She had lived with that for a long time, she would endure another long time from now. 

But Zuko, stupid, weak soft heartened Zuko, saw her intentions with too much time and decided to act. She hadn’t intended for him to fall like that. To see how his body took the lighting and convulsed around it. His scream pierced her ears. Lately nothing was going the way Azula planned, and this just added into the long list of recent failures she had. Her brother´s body laid in the ground and looked again like the thirteen year old who laid unconscious after losing an Agni Kai and having his face burnt by his own dad. Azula would never confess that she still dreamed of that day sometimes. And woke up uneasy with nowhere and no one to come up to and assure her that it had been just a dream; because it wasn’t, for if it was, he would be there, and she could still count on him. Their relationship had already been shredded to pieces back then, but deep down she knew she could have still counted on him. And then, one day she couldn’t. One day she knew she could come to him if she had a very bad dream about mom, and the next one he was being sent far away in a ship and she may never see his face again. She didn’t even say goodbye, she hadn’t been allowed. He had lost his honor and she couldn’t fall so low. One day they had been broken, sure, their relationship had never been the best, but the next one there hadn’t been relationship to break even further, nor to fix, because there wasn’t a relationship at all. One day they had been brother and sister, sure they hated each other, and they would fight, but they had space in their hearts to be siblings, but the next one they hadn’t even that. They were no longer brother and sister; he was now the banished prince and Azula was most surely Fire lord to be. 

And back then, during their Agni Kai, she was still Fire lord to be and he was still the traitor banished prince. Not much had changed. Except that his body laid in front of her and she had shot most surely the fatal strike that had finally ended with his life. Dad would be so proud, and mom would be so mad. But Azula didn’t really know how to feel. She hadn’t wanted that. After that the rest passed like a blur, she couldn’t hear, she couldn’t think, she did the only thing she automatically knew how to do, attack. Attack, summon fire, attack, lighting then and there, attack. That was what she was trained to do, to be, almost a machine, but better, perfect. She attacked and attacked as her life depended on it, which wasn’t maybe a total lie. The only thing between her and the crown was the Water tribe girl, and if she was beaten by her she would never hear the end from her dad. She had to win this fight, she had to. 

Next thing she knew it was that she had lost. She stills doesn’t remember how; she just remembers having waken up with failure in her mouth. And knowing that her brother was death, like her mother and most surely her father. She was all there was left of the once great Fire Linage, and she brought no honor to it, being trapped in a hospital and losing an Agni Kai. 

But then Zuko came in. Honestly someone could have told her that her brother was still alive, would she have believed them? Probably not, Azula was smart like that. And yet here he was, he wasn’t a ghost, she found out, because ghosts don’t look so fucking death. So, he was alive, but not by much. He looked weak, his pale skin even paled that usual, accentuating the bags under his eyes. She hadn’t noticed then, but he looked skinnier, she figured that being a runaway with the Avatar certainly didn’t feed him as well as being in the palace. He looked like crap. 

“They told me you broke your mirror with your hands” Azula got mad. After everything they had been through how the hell did, he sound so calm? Why wasn’t he mad at her, she had tried to kill him after all. 

“Yes, so be careful, brother, or I might want to finish what I started and stab you for once and for all” she answered. She was not going to be caught being relieved that he was alive, because while it was true that she was, she was also mad. She deserved the throne; it was rightfully hers and he would end up with it after all her hard work. For a moment, Zuko’s eyes reflected fear, good. Azula needed to remind him who was really in control here. But something changed in Zuko´s stare as he conjured some newfound courage.  
“I just came to check up on you. And to tell you that you’ll stay here for a while. This is for your own good Azula, and for others. I don’t think you are mentally in a good place right now and-”

“And you are? Please, Zuzu, don’t make me laugh. Whoa re you talking me about my mental state mister honor obsessed. Cut the crap, a few weeks ago we burned a house down just because some boys had been mean to us and you enjoyed it just as much as me. So, don’t come up telling me I am the one who need help, because you deserve to be as locked up in this place as much as me” Azula knew what, when and where to hit. And Zuko was her brother, she could read him better than anyone could, she knew how to disarm him without even trying.

Zuko closed his eyes, he looked so easy to hurt right now. Azula knew that the glass of her mirror still laid in the floor. She could take it in any moment now, despite her wounds in her hands and in her feet, she would be able to grab it and then…

“And then what” a voice than phantomed her mother’s asked, but this time she wasn’t anywhere around.

But she had a point, then what? She couldn’t return to the palace; she didn’t have it in herself to make even more of a fool of herself. Though the throne was rightfully hers, she beated Zuko, but that certainly wouldn’t be the story going around, after all why was she in this so called not-prison? Was there something to actually win if she hurt or even killed her brother right now? If not, was there a point in doing it at all? She could almost believe it would feel satisfactory, but that would be denying that his scream before being hit by her bold didn’t kept her awake at night. 

“Maybe you are right. None of us are alright night now. But I have my friends and uncle by my side now, and with their help I am getting better. This… this is all I can do for you right now Azula.” 

Azula lies, Azula always lies. It was a habit now. But she couldn’t find the strength to lie to herself and say that what Zuko had just said didn’t hurt as hell. He was right of course, but it still hurt. He had uncle, and his friends, and she was alone, alone to rot in this place. Well, alone with her mother’s ghost, which wasn’t better than being totally alone. 

“You are weak Zuko, and a disgrace. You are never going to be half the Fire lord our father was.” She was playing her lasts cards she had to cause him pain. Like a wounded animal who only growls more. She felt hurt. She remembers having felt this way only once before, and it was pretty recently. When May called her out for doubting her love was stronger than her fear towards her. Living a lie and having the truth coming to stab you in the back was something that Azula thought would never happen to her, she had it all too much under her control, until it wasn’t. And the truth had revealed then and could stop being brought back on now; she was alone. Completely alone now. No Ty Lee and stupid pink auras, and no Mai and her lack of everything. No father, no mother, nothing. She only had her brother left, in some way, and she pushed him as far as she could. Better now than later, better now that she can take it than later if she dares believing he is truly there for her. 

“For both, our sakes and our nation, I hope I am not like dad.” She had now definitely lost it all. He no longer feared her, she had no power over him now. And trust is for fools. He walked towards the door to leave “I am sorry Azula. Goodbye” She was really alone now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was sad to write, but overall I am a little proud of it. I have a LOT of feelings towards Azula.  
> The life of Zuko and Azula is fun to explore, I have some headcanons of their chilhood of my own, tell me if you´d like me to share them with you.  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend  
> -YNAD


	5. The way we laugh, the way we experience pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We felt so differently then  
> So similar over the years  
> The way we laugh, the way we experience pain  
> So many memories  
> But there's nothing left to gain from remembering  
> Faces and worlds that no one else will ever know"  
> Antony and the Johnsons,You Are My Sister
> 
> Zuko reflects on his relationship with Azula and how he has to work upon it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, GO AND LISTEN TO THE SONG, ITS SO AZULA AND ZUKO.  
> Secondly, OMG I´VE REACHED THE THOUSAND HITS, I´M SUPER EXCITED FOR IT. I´ll try to do something special for it.  
> Finally exams week is over for me and this is the first time I feel like breathing for a while. Next week is a ton lighter than the few lasts, so I may update a couple of times (to overcompensate for when it gets hard, or maybe I´ll write but just to have them ready, I´m not sure yet)  
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend

Zuko was surprised on the lack of trouble his sister was bringing him. He hadn’t expected that. When him and Katara left to take Azula down he didn’t really know how it´d play out, but he never imagined it would all conclude into this; him being the Fire lord and his sister in a mental hospital. But that was how it was rolling, and it was going more smoothing where he thought it wouldn’t be and rougher where he thought it´d be easier. Zuko knew being the Fire lord wouldn’t be easy, but he never thought it be this hard and for the first time he felt thankful towards his sister and the lack of trouble she was representing. She hadn’t tried to fight back or to scape. However, that troubled Zuko even more. What was she planning? Azula always lied, there was no way she was so docile about being stuck in the hospital. But she hadn’t tried to scape either, so what was going on with her? 

Zuko couldn’t help but to feel a bit guilty for leaving her behind. He wanted to do more for her, he wanted to be there the same way his friend sand his uncle had been. But he just couldn’t bring himself to it. He knew that even if he wanted, he couldn’t offer her come back to the palace with him. He wouldn’t even sleep at night if Azula was there with him, he´d be wary of everything and with enough reason to be, since they were children she had lied and manipulated him. Even when she did something good for him it was only good for a short time and then it would come back to punch him in the face. So no, Zuko didn’t trust Azula. He knew he wouldn’t be able to kill her, but he couldn’t say he was so sure about her about that. His chest still hurt from time to time when he remembered his last Agni Kai. But he also couldn’t take her down and let her rot in jail with their dad. Because she wasn’t like their dad. She may had beginning to be and Zuko could have almost begin to think she was like him, but the image of his little sister screaming fire out of her lungs, face dripping wet with tears streaming down her face. And Zuko just could help but to think about their mom and how much Azula looked like her. And maybe, maybe she wasn’t all bad. She was just like him, wasn’t she?

He remembers being fourteen and lost at sea obsessed with capturing the Avatar and gaining back his father´s love. Azula was born lucky, Zuko was just lucky to be born. But Zuko had had his mother´s and uncle´s love, and Azula had had none. Maybe she wasn’t so lucky after all, and maybe if Zuko had been born lucky as well he could have been just like her. It was ironic, it was tragic. What was worse is that despite everything he had been through and had done though out his life, there were still people who see the good in him, who had faith in him and guide him through the right path. However, no one was there for Azula. 

He couldn’t blame it on Ty Lee or Mai. She had been horrible to them. They didn’t owe her anything, she was nothing but mean to them. The war had touched them all, differently, but no one had escaped. Azula brought the war to Ty Lee and Mai, and if everyone got to be away from it and working towards a better world they would create, why shouldn’t they? If their way out of the war was keeping their distance between them and Azula, Zuko understood. He wouldn’t blame them for that. He wouldn’t hold them for their wrongdoing either, not when he knew how persuading his sister could be, besides when the time came, they proved themselves. They deserved a life free of fear and restrain, free war, free of Azula. 

But his uncle had made it clear he wouldn’t be there for her either. Zuko loved his uncle, but he disagreed wholeheartedly with him on that. How could he say that she had to be taken down? Azula had been mean towards him almost all her life, but she was a child. She was fourteen years old, for Agni sake. When Zuko had been fourteen he had been no better than her, just less talented. So Azula was alone. And Zuko… Zuko had made up his mind. He needed to be a good Fire lord, blood from previous generations soaked his hands. Multiple crimes and errors of his past haunted him every moment of his life. But if he really wanted to fix his father´s wrongs, that meant fix him and Azula too. Or at least, give her a chance to explore who could she be without the shadow of their father over them. Who was she without him to manipulate her? Who was she if she wasn’t princess Azula, the prodigy, the best fire nation war machine? Who was she when she was just Azula? Or in an even better case, who could she be with patience and love? Who could she be with people who had her back and helped her towards a better path? Zuko had failed on seeing that path many times, despite having his uncle by his side, so he doubted it would be an easy path. 

He had to try, that was the least he could do. He was his older brother after all, and the memories got lost long ago, but there had been once a time when that’s all they had been, siblings. Not the Fire lord, not the prodigy, nothing. Just Zuko and Azula. And maybe they could be that again. Zuko refused to think his father had broken him, his nation, and his relationship with his sister beyond repair. As much as he wasn’t giving up in becoming the best version of himself and bringing honor back to the fire nation by amending the mistakes of the past, he wasn’t giving up on his relationship with his sister, Zuko was just not giving up on her.

She didn’t belong in jail; she wasn’t broken beyond repair. She just needed the same he had needed (and still needs) back then, to unlearn the old ways and learn the new ones, to find the true meaning of fire withing herself, life, guidance, patience, love. But Zuko could do just as much, he was still working on himself and trying to learn and unlearn. Even he had started considering going to therapy as well. He had made up his mind by helping Aang not so long ago, he was just at the beginning of his own path. He could´nt pretend he was all wise and much better than her, so all he was able to do was that; put the best resources to her reach and be patient and caring to her. 

He loved his uncle and his friends with all his heart. He did. But lately he had learned to trust that he knew what the right thing was to do. And, maybe, deep down he loved Azula too. And, deep in his heart, he knew that that was the right thing to do. Despite what his friends might say. Only Aang hadn’t tried to talk him out of it. “I think Zuko is right” he had said. The young air nomad had been one of the people who had suffered the most from the Fire nations actions, he had a permanent mark in his heart and one on his back to prove so, and yet he had said. “Azula deserves to get better as well”. They all did, the war had marked them all in different way, and Azula wasn’t the exception.

Zuko was still uneasy from the lack of trouble she was giving him, but maybe she was getting better. Maybe this was a good sign after all. “I am never happy” he had told once to Sokka and maybe it was time for him to change that. Maybe it was time to stop looking at that with wary eyes and instead to think the best of her, from her. Sure, she had just threatened to stab him with glass and refused to cooperate when he offered help, but she hadn’t acted upon it. In the end, he could really see how much work she had ahead, how much there was still for her to learn and unlearn. Besides he had already made up his mind, he was not giving up without a fight. The Fire siblings were stubborn like that. He would be there for her, even if she didn’t want him, specially when she didn’t want him. He would show her the patience and kindness no one had given them when they were young and they so desperately needed then and still do now. And maybe he wouldn’t even have to try to love her and it would come naturally as they were siblings.


	6. Time, curious time Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azula attacks Zuko and finally starts her therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, remember when I said I had a calm school week because I had finished my exams, well jokes on me, it wasn't. Sorry for taking so long to update. I´ll keep trying though to at least once per week :)  
> Is the title form yet another TS song? You bet. Is it taken completely out of context? Of-fucking-course. I just think that Invisible String has some dope analogies for time and healing, so I´ll keep using them, most probably.   
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend

“So, after all this time, what brings you here, Azula?” Asked Doctor Haku. Once upon a time, not longer than five months ago, Azula wouldn’t have doubted to strike him right there and then for talking to her in that way, without formally acknowledging her by her rightful title. But Azula was smarter than that, she was calculative and knew which battles to chose and why. And tough it had taken her a long time; she had reached her limit point. It had taken a lo of pride. Swallowing to reach the conclusion that maybe she needed help tog et rid of this problem of hers, called seeing her mother’s ghost every time everywhere.

At the beginning she had blamed on losing the Agni Kai, though that was denying she had seen her even before then, and it wouldn’t explain neither why she wouldn’t go away. Even after she broke the mirror she kept seeing and hearing her. Funnily enough, she wasn’t bothering her with anything other than her presence. She didn’t even say anything when four weeks ago she lost it and went straight to Zuko, ready to kill him with her bare hands, no, she hadn’t said anything then, she had just looked at her. There had been no anger, no disappointment in her eyes, there had just been. Back then it had come to her so easily, thinking that maybe her brother was the one keeping their mother ghost with them (he looked so much like her, after all) and so she decided to cut the problem from the root; which ended up with doctor pushing them aside in order to keep the current Fire Lord alive, but she didn’t even put up a fight. As soon as Azula realized that her actions brought to real consequence to her mother’s phantom, she realized the inutility behind them. She had expected some reaction, she was trying to kill her favorite child after all, but there had been nothing there. Nothing at all.

Honestly, she had never really had the real intention to kill Zuko, she just wanted a reaction from her and from him, if she was being honest with herself. Four months since the Agni Kai had passed and there had never been a single week in which Zuko failed to visit her. Every Tuesday without missing he´d come. After their first encounter she hadn’t spoken to him again, which left them with Zuko trying to fulfill a whole conversation by himself. That didn’t impede him from asking her things in hope she´d deigned to answer him, which she never did.

With the lack of Zuko’s social skills and the fact that he wasn’t stupid enough to entrust his sister with delicate matters that came with ruling the fire nation their conversations were mostly dull. What was there to be talked about anyway? They hadn’t spent time together since he was thirteen, except for the short weeks in which he returned to the Fire Nation with her, and even then, their relationship had been somewhat hostile. Even before he was banished, there had even long since they had spent time together peacefully, it didn’t come as a surprise that neither of them knew how to coexist with tranquility among them. But Zuko was trying to, he came by every Tuesday and he would just sit in a chair near where there had been a mirror once and he would just talk. Never of their mother, or their father though, which Azula almost thanked, almost. It wasn’t like she was even trying to pay attention to him, she tried her best not to, he didn’t tell anything interest anyway. “The other day I spilled ink in the roll I was writing”, “I didn’t knew they had banned the commerce along the colonies of the south and the Earth Kingdom, I am currently looking into that”, or “There is a new ministry of education, her name is Xang and…”, stuff like that. Nothing interesting, however, with time Azula also caught on how he avoided talking about his firmed in front of her. Sometimes he would stop midstory when he realized it involved someone of his so loved gang. He didn’t mention Mai or Ty Lee, for the matter, which were possibly few of the people Azula actually wanted to hear about.

Azula couldn’t really understand why he still came. Every Tuesday she looked at the door in hopes he wouldn’t arrive, in hopes he would too finally leave her behind, but he never did. And it was eating Azula alive. Trust was for fools, she wouldn’t fall into trusting that Zuko would be there for her, because she knew how that tale ended for her, and it was in him leaving her behind as well. Like her own mother had, and her uncle, and her friends, and her father. But Zuko still came, and it was growing in her.

She had thought about telling him to leave her for once and for all, better now than later, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. What if he listened to her and left her? Or worse, what if he didn’t and stayed for her? She couldn’t risk him not leaving her, because then she would really have no idea what her brother might be playing at. Trust is for fools. The worst thing of them all, and the one that finally pushed her into attacking him for good, was the fact that he looked at her with the same eyes her mother´s ghost did. As if when she told her that she really loved her, it was sincere. As if despite it all, even a little, but Zuko ~~still~~ loved her.

So, she did the only smart thing she could came up with, she would force him out of her life, for the best. She knew that if she let herself believe her brother still loved her it would end up badly for her. Trust is for fools, as well as Love. Better cut him out now, than let him bring her down later. Also, maybe her mother’s ghost would finally leave her alone when she realized there was no salvation for her. And so, two weeks ago when the Fire lord entered her room, he gave him some time to get comfortable before she attacked. If the deep scratch she had managed to leave in his forehead said something was that clearly Zuko hadn’t expected that. Still, it didn’t take him long to react and suddenly it was almost like the old times. It felt wrongfully right, as it was all they had ever known. In no time the guards and hospital staff came in to separate the siblings. They didn’t struggle much, Azula had quickly given up.

Zuko´s glance held all the emotions her mothers’ ghost lacked. Azula wished she could say there was anger in her brother´s eyes, but Zuko had always laid his feelings like an open book, it wasn’t difficult to see that there was pain and sadness, as well. But it didn’t seem that he was feeling sad or hurt for himself, but rather for her. “I love you Azula, I really do” was said with such pity in his eyes that Azula hated him in that moment even more.

She was lucky the Fire lord hadn’t taken actions against her murder attempt, a nurse had told her a few days later. She merely let out a quiet laugh. “Murder attempt” they called it, but if Azula had truly wanted her bother dead he would be dead, she hadn’t even used fire against him, for Agni´s Sake. She was merely driving him away, which she thought she had succeeded in, because she hadn’t seen him ever since. And if it made her feel somehow emptier than usual, well she would just lie to herself ( ~~again~~ ) about that.

It was a Tuesday too when Azula decided to go with Doctor Haku, as his brother and the nurses had begged her to if she wanted to fully recover again. For which she didn’t cared, she wasn’t broken to need to be repaired, she just needed help to stop seeing her mother.

Azula didn’t answered Doctors Haku question right away, just stayed staring right into him, trying to win certain advantage, something she could later use against him if he didn’t bring the results, she expected from him. Fear was the only reliable way, and at his moment she was about to confess something very personal to her, she was about to admit that maybe she wasn’t in the best state of her mind and needed his help. But it wouldn’t be easy like that, she needed to have higher ground, something to tell him “I don’t need you; _we_ need each other.”

“Are you here because you have regrets about your murder attempt on your brother, a couple of weeks ago?”

“Please, do not underestimate me, if I wanted Zuzu dead, he´d be dead. I just wanted to scare him off, and it payed off.”

“And Why did you want to scare him off?”

“Enough about him, I did not come to talk about our dear Fire lord. I came to you for you to fix another thing, a real problem. My mother´s been haunting me ever since before the Agni Kai, I need to get rid of her, permanently”

“But, Azula, there´s no way anyone had came in without us noticing it” answered the Doctor. Seriously how did this mand gained such title, Azula wondered, he was even dumber than she thought.

“I know that idiot! I meant that she is more like a ghost.”

“Azula, what happened to your mom?” And wasn’t that the million gold pieces question. But Azula knew where her loyalty lied, and she was not just about to spill her family secrets to some obtrusive dumbass, even if such secrets remained as such to her as well. 

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, you nosy rat. If you want all the dirt of my family you better talk to my brother, after all I´m pretty sure Zuko´s got a lot more to say about us than me.” She spatted; this was going nowhere, now she was regretting ever thinking that he could help her taking down her mother´s ghost. It had been such a stupid thought

“How so?”

“You know what? You are useless. It was foolish of me to think that you could bring me any help, when its clear you can’t. You are just a failure of a doctor. I asked for one simple thing, if you cannot accomplish such a simple request, well then, I suppose I have no good use for you. You can save you stupid questions for other patients. . I am never talking to you again.” Just as Azula was bringing herself up to leave, a member of the staff came into Doctors Haku´s office.

“Doctor? Fire Lord Zuko has come in to visit her sister. Shall I send him to her room?”

“Yes, thank you Lin, I believe Azula was on her way out”

Both turned her eyes to Azula, which had felt her blood run off her face. Why on Agni´s sake was Zuko here again? Was he here for a rematch? Still, among all the doubts that hovered in her head, hope was also placed. Was there a chance that her brother hadn’t give up on her despite her little act? She felt stupid for letting space for such a dumb thought in her head. She just nodded and made her exit towards her room. She was nervous but if years training under her father’s expectations and performing under his judgmental view taught her something was to show no sign of it in her face. She seemed composed, calm, as she always had.

Before entering her room, where she supposed Zuko was already in, she recognized the extra security the hospital had proved, and the Fire Lord had brought with him this time. So, she had scared him off at least a little but, good. She had the upper ground, there was no doubt. Zuko was in his usual spot, with the exception that he had placed his chair further from her this time, as if a little space would protect him if Azula decided to strike again.

“Hello Azula”

“It looks like at least this scar recovered well” While Azula decided to almost never to answer to her brother, pressing his buttons now seemed her last chance to push him away for real this time.

“Didn´t even leave a mark.” He answered back.

“What are you doing here, Zuzu? Are you here for a rematch? Haven´t you lost enough against me for a lifetime?”

“I´m not here for a rematch, or nothing like that. I just came to visit because you know, its Tuesday.” Her brother answered, as if with suck a blank statement the answered the question. Just because its Tuesday he had decided to visit again, as if the past four weeks hadn’t happened at all, as if it was just another Tuesday in which he visited, as if she knew in the first place why had he decided to visit her before.

And just like that they retook their usual routine, which was once again sitting in her room with him being a rambling mess and Azula trying her best not to listen to him. Just that this time her number one goal wasn’t ignoring him, it came rather because of her mind wandering to a completely different place. She no longer knew what he was playing at, why he came back. If he had decided to forgive her, then why wait until one month to come back? Why couldn’t he just stay back? Why wouldn’t he just leave her behind?

Eventually he left, and her mother was still there.

It took Azula two more whole weeks to come back unannounced to Doctors Haku´s office. She wasn’t sure what she expected from him now, but if he could help her understand her brother and mother´s actions then, so be it, even if she still thought he was a mediocre excuse of a doctor.

“The truth is, I don’t know exactly what happened to our mother. All I know is that the one time I actually told the truth she gets mad and the next morning she is nowhere to be found. I don’t really know whether my father killed her or maybe my grandfather, or if she ran away. She must be dead, after all I’m being haunted by her ghost. Not that I really care, I hate her. I just wish she stopped trying to bond with me or whatever the hell is she supposed to be doing. Also, I think it is my brother´s fault she is haunting me, I think he cursed me of or something. I need your help as well to get rid of him. From my life, I mean. I am not plotting to kill him if that’s what you think.”

“Azula, I will help you, though it may not seem the way you expect. It is my duty after all to help my patients, besides I did promise your brother I´d do my best to you. But I need you to understand that his is a process that may take time, you may not see results right away ad I will only be able to help if, and only if, you compromise.” A challenge? Was that what he was presenting her? If so, Azula had a little way too much pride to turn it down. All her life she had exceled in every aspect of it. She was a prodigy after all, and so she would be the best patient Doctor Haku had ever had. The other patients may never rise from their ashes of their humiliation after losing to her. 

“So be it. I will compromise into whatever this is. And I will be the best patient you had ever had, you´ll see.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking on how part of Azula is this competitiveness, which she has to work upon as well. But her seeing therapy as something she can use to be better than everyone, I just think is very In character for her. Of course she needs to realize in the later that that's not really the point of therapy, but i think is a good first approach. Let me know what you think, though!


	7. I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And they called off the circus, burned the disco down  
> When they sent home the horses and the rodeo clowns  
> I'm still on that tightrope  
> I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me  
> And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why  
> I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try  
> I'm still on that trapeze  
> I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me"  
> -Mirrorball, TS
> 
> Azula is being thrown off her rythm (yes that is a John Mulaney reference, let me be) when she is being told that, apparently, not everything in this life is a competittion. Honestly can realte but anyways...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I deeply apologize for abandoning this like that. Schools killing me (fun fact I have an essay due to in less thatn 24 hrs and here I am, writting about my bby)  
> Second, you cannot DENY ME that that part of the lyrics of mirrorball falls perfectly into Azula. You cant, I dare you to tell me otherwise.  
> Third, if you have any suggestion of lyrics to match with azula, let me know, I am on the edge of having no ideas left.  
> Fourth (is fourth really written like that? sounds super dake but im not going to double check) SHOUT OUT TO LesbeanLatte FOR READING AND COMMENTING AND THE KUDOS AND OUR TUMBLR INTERACTIONS. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT AND I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU!!  
> Fifth, Please dont read this right away, Im pretty sure that having it written with two hours of sleep in the middle of the night, two exams and three essays ahead of me, it must have some mistakes. Give me time to beta it (as if I had beta past chapters, ha) or read it with mistakes. Srry :(
> 
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend

After their incident, three weeks ago, Azula and Zuko had grown, if possible, more apart from each other. It was still an enigma why would her brother come if he didn’t even do the effort to speak to her anymore. No, now he just sat there looking to the window or at her room for, at least, forty minutes. Nevertheless, he still came.

This day, however, was a bit different, everything had gone the same with the only exception that when Zuko stood to leave, Azula spoke for the first time.

“Thank you, for coming”

Zuko´s face displayed as much surprise as he could. Never had he ever heard his sister thank him for anything. He never saw it coming.

“You… you like for me to come here?” Zuko asked, still in disbelief. He was answered with rolling eyes from his sister part

“Of course not. I didn’t know you were that deaf.” There was the Azula he knew, always aiming at his lowest.

“Then why did you point that out?”

“I just pointed the obvious, didn’t I?” Azula sighed, there was no point in lying through this “Doctor Haku tasked me into thanking three things per day. You came, that is obvious, and I am just putting a thank you behind that fact. There, I am thanking it. Done”

Zuko sighed. Of course, that in his sister´s head this is how this worked; as a task, as something that Azula must get done, rather than a sane practice. This was Azula trying to outshine even in therapy.

“You know that’s not the point of this exercise, right? For it to work you must be grateful for it. Not just put a thank you behind an obvious fact”

“And how would you know? Did I miss too when you became a therapist, Zuzu? I didn’t know that three years in exile could give you so much abilities” Azula mocked.

And while she was right, Zuko was no expert in mental health, hell he was going to therapy as well for he had a shit ton of baggage to unpack, he had learned something too, and he had more experience than his sister in healing and learning. For which he could recognize a little bit more on what Azula was doing. Wasn’t that what he had done some years ago on a ship when his uncle got just a little too close? Scream and yell at him to push him away? Wasn’t that what his sister had done three weeks ago? Push him, physically, away from her? Wasn’t that the reason she pointed out his lowest points? How many times had he himself called his uncle a fat, crazy old man? A failed general? And yet, uncle Iroh had never turned his back on him. And now, though Azula´s words could still sometimes manage to leave a wound, were not enough to push him away entirely from her.

That didn’t mean he was going to stay there to listen to words that sounded just too much like their father´s. He deserved peace of mind as well. And so, with nothing else to say, he left.

.  
.

Azula was more than used to competitiveness. She was a prodigy, after all. She had grown getting used to not being able to fail. When she was committed to something, she aimed to kill. She expected nothing but perfection from herself, after all it was what everyone had ever expected from her, and Azula didn’t know how to disappoint. Because once upon a time, when she knew from disappointment from other than seeing it from Zuko, she had felt it too. Disappointment felt like a burnt against her hands, like going to bed without dinner for not mastering a form in time, like the coldness from the absence of her mother’s arms. Azula had once known disappointment as well, but that had been a long time ago. She hadn’t disappointed anyone since… well since the Agni Kai.

However, cooperating in the therapy with Doctor Haku gave her an entire new feeling, one that felt almost empty.

She had once asked how she was doing, expecting praise for her efforts. She had cooperated, after all. She had talked when talked to and had answered in a way she saw convenient to answer. She had even gone outside because the nurses said she had earned it. So, one day she decided to ask for her progress, to which doctor Haku had responded with “good”.

“Good? Only good? I ask you how am I doing, and you answer merely “good”? I´m doing perfect if you ask me. You have to better patient than me. I mean, who could it be? Kuz? She only paints and never speaks! Lu? He spends all day in the garden doing Agni knows what. Are you seriously saying I´m no better than them?”

“Azula, you cannot measure your progress with others for theirs is different than yours. this is not a competition.”

“Well of course it is. If it isn’t, then what is? I´ve done my tasks, and I´ve done them well. Are you telling me that all of that has been in vain?”

“Azula, which tasks?”

“Well the tasks you send me! Thank three things per day. And I did! You can ask Zuko, I even thank him”

“Really? What did you thank him for”

“Coming”

“Hadn’t you told me that you wanted to get rid of him? Why are you thanking him now?”

“Well I just said thank you and stated an obvious fact.”

Doctor Haku sighed. Azula recognized that sound as a disappointment one and braced herself for the words to come next. Would the doctor revoke her rights to go outside and play with Zuzu? Would he send her straight to bed without having dinner? Or would he just remind her how much she wasn’t enough?

“Azula, you don’t have to thank just because the sake of it. The point of the exercise was for you to in reasons to be grateful for. Let’s try to change it, shall we?”

“No! I can take it! I can do it just the way it was, just give me time”

“Azula, there is nothing wrong with changing things we can change for the better. It’s like with therapy. Not every technique works with everyone. Kuz express herself through art, it is her way to express her fears and desires, and Lu is into gardening, you must have seen the statues he makes just out of trees. Together, we adapted therapy into a way it works for them. Just because one way didn’t work for you doesn’t mean you have failed, nothing like that. It means that maybe it needs to be approached from another way. Maybe the phrasing of the last exercise was not working with you, but we can try to rephrase it. Why not to, try to think daily about one thing that you appreciate. It can be something from your past as well. Something you truly enjoyed and liked. Something that had make you feel comfortable.”

Azula was way in shock, to say at least. All her life had been centered around what her father wanted from her, what he needed from her. And what he needed was a strong heir, a skilled warrior, a powerful machine. And so, she trained, day and night. To become better, to be the best she could be.

Yet, now she was failing. She was handed a task and she hadn’t delivered, and instead of being punished for that she had been given another chance.

“And if I fail? What happens if I cannot think every day of something like that?”

“Then we set a different goal, how does five things per week sound?”

“Sounds like you think I cannot handle the other thing” Azula crossed her arms. She was mad, how could a mediocre doctor like him doubt on her abilities. Hers. She was literally the youngest Firebender Master. She had achieved more things in her fourteen years than most people at old age, and yet he doubted her.

“And if it was true? What would be the great deal about it? The fact that maybe you cannot do something now doesn’t mean you will not be able to do it eventually, you just need to practice and start from zero. And even if you couldn’t, what is the big deal about it? Is there any consequence for you not being able to think about one good thing per day? I am sure that there must be some other things you are able to do”. You don’t have to be able to do everything.”

Wasn’t she? What other choice had she had all her life?

“I… I think I need some time alone to think”

“Of course. And Azula, thank you, for your time.” Doctor Haku smiled at her, as if the had really appreciated their time. Azula couldn’t return the smile.

Who was he to tell her that she couldn’t do everything? That was such a lie. Nothing but perfection was expected from her, into everything she had ever done. And yet there had been no harsh words thrown at her for not being able to excel at her previous task, nor disappointment. To trust that what the doctor was saying was sincere would be dumb, she knew, but he had clearly told her that there was no reason to fear if she failed at this as well. Then, what was left?

What was left was doing as she was told. Azula sat on the edge of her bed and tried to think on something she appreciated. Something she had enjoyed…

Minutes passed and she still couldn’t quite point out the last time she had done something fun for her. Maybe that time when they had been sent to the beach and had beaten up the other volleyball team. That had been fun, but she doubted that the doctor would appreciate her for feeling well at someone else’s defeat. She tried to think about her favorite food. Back in the palace she almost always ate the same, chicken and vegetables, only nutritious food to keep the body of a warrior on shape, or so her father said.

Her father…

Every time she thought of something she enjoyed or liked he came in the picture. Had she enjoyed eating like that? Training like that? Being like that? Or was it what their father told her she should like? Should be like?

The only memory she could rescue form her father’s claws was one form too long ago, one that involved her older brother when they hadn’t yet wanted to tear each other apart. Too long ago.

.

.

Tuesday arrived and Azula was nervous thin time. She had never been anxious for her brother´s visit. But his time was a bit different. This time she had something sincere to say.  
Zuko arrived just in time. One second more and Azula would have exploded.

“Finally, you arrive. It took you forever. What? Couldn’t take five minutes from your Fire lord duties to visit your sister?” While Azula had for once something sincere and nice to say, that didn’t mean she was missing a chance to pick on Zuko. It was custom, after all.

“Nice to see you too, Azula”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. I have something to tell you.”

“What?”

“Oh, brother don’t look so skeptical, it is something not bad, for a change. Here it goes… I wanted to say… do you remember the small fruit tarts the staff made?"

“Yeah…”

“Well, I really liked when you used to steal them for me, in my birthday. There, I said it.”

“ummm, sure”

“No, Zuko. You are not listening. I am saying that I am actually grateful for them. I remember when father prohibited me from eating them. You kept yourself quiet, for once. And just when I thought I would spend my first birthday without eating those tasty small tarts you entered into my room with a pair of them in a paper bag. I remember they were smudged but they tasted just fine.”

“Yeah, I remember that too. Mom helped me that time, she asked the staff to casually leave them in the bag and not to report if they disappeared”

“Mom helped you?” Azula was surprised. She didn’t remember much good appearances of her mother towards her. Though she knows that that day she had tried to argue with her father about how she was just an eight year old child, and how one fruit tart wouldn’t do her any harm. She hadn’t accomplished nothing of course, just to get her father mad at her in her day. She never thought that maybe the reason she hadn’t seen her mother in action that day was because she had been working backstage.

“Yeah”

“Huh, I didn’t know. Makes sense, though. You aren’t smart enough to pull that out in your own.”

Zuko laughed. A smile, tiny as it was, started to form in Azula’s lips too.

“Yeah I guess I wasn’t”

“Again with your-“ Deafness, she was going to say, but Azula interrupted herself. She felt light as she hadn’t felt in so long. She felt just like that night in which they found themselves sit in the edge of a bed way to big for such a small child. Eating fruit tarts and avoiding getting caught. The tart had tasted better than any other Azula had ever tasted, even though it was smudged, the fact that her brother had risked getting caught just to please her had made her feel warm. Real warm. Not burnt, not electrified, but warm. Even loved.

And right now, they were having a good time. Zuko had laughed and Azula couldn’t remember he last time she had heard him laugh like that. Free. And for once, Azula didn’t want to take that from him, nor the warm feeling that raised through her chest.

It was possible, she realized, for both to be somehow happy at the same time. All their life they had grown thinking “better them than me” for the bad stuff and thinking that one´s happiness meant that the other wouldn’t get it. If Azula wanted to succeed if had to be over her own brother. Yet here they were, both being happy at the same time without putting each other as the sacrifice to achieve such warmth.

“You were going to say?” Zuko asked, taking her out of her trance. Azula remembered she was just about to insult him and decided against it.

“Nothing. That was all I wanted to say”


	8. The saddest fear, comes creeping in.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I love taking lyrics out of context for them to work in my favor? Hell yes  
> Azula asks Zuko about his scar and things don´t go as planned  
> Apparently, it is not exactly well know what Zuko did in the war room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise bitch, bet you thought you had seen the last of me.  
> Honestly, this chapter I had it ready before even begining the fic, and I realized that this was the point it came in. Because I am planning for things to be getting better and this just doesnt fit.  
> Point is, please never expect from me to update two days in a row. Maybe in three weeks when I am fin Winter break finally I could manage to do it.  
> Also, I felt bad for leaving for so long, so this is my apologize letter for all of those who read me. Thank you for keeping up with me and sorry for leaving you hanging.
> 
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend

“Zuko, what did you say in father´s war room?”

.

.

Ever since their last breakthrough in which Azula actually had thanked Zuko for something, their relationship had turned something... if not amicable at least somewhat peaceful.

Sometimes, not always, Azula decided not to verbally harm Zuko or at least didn´t try to do it on puspose. Others she still raged over the fact of being stuck here while he took her rightful place in the throne. Sometimes he talked to her again, of nothing but still rambled. Others she would try to do some of Doctor Haku´s exercises with him. Sometimes neither of them speak. It had become their own weird private routine; He came every Tuesday and she had begun to expect him.

She had even begun talking to the doctor about her brother. When they were not coming for each others throat they could actually have a good time, or a peaceful one, at least. Azula told him how she remembered a time it hadn't been like that. When they would play together and build sand castles in the beach.

According to the Doctor she should talk about their shared childhood with Zuko and question their father´s actions more. She got completely mad when he told her that. How dare he? How dare he question the Fire Lords actions. Her father had been one powerful ruler and had accomplished more in his life than a peasant doctor could ever dream of. Needless lo say it was not much of a successful session.

And yet, he had managed to plant certain doubt in her mind. It was no secret her father had despised Zuko and favorited her, but it was true that some things, some reasonings remained still secret to her. Other than Zuko´s weakness she never really understood why Zuko had received the harsh end. Sure, she was better than him, but that didn´t made him weak per se. In fact, in spite of hating to admit it, Zuko had always been a talented firebender, and he knew how to use swords too! An ability she never learned.

"Because you don´t need them. You are enough on your own" Fire lord Ozai had told her when she was six and wanted to learn. She just thought it was really cool to see her brother mastering other forms. But her father had claimed otherwise, Zuko knowing how to use another weapon other than his own fire was sign of his weakness, rather than a strength. She hadn´t questioned him, of course. But she always thought it was a kind of cool.

Then why did he hated him so much?

Azula knew Zuko wasn´t weak, so it couldn´t be because of it. She needed to know the reason behind it because, well, he loved her for the exact opposite reason. Whatever Zuko lacked that translated into their fathers source of hate, she had, and she needed to know what such thing was.

So, she followed Doctors Haku advice and asked. Terrible mistake, if you ask now.

.

.

“Zuko, what did you say in father´s war room?”

Zuko could not believe what he was hearing from her. They had been doing so well. Sure, they didn't talk every time, but Azula even seemed less likely to verbally attack him now. Why was one of the the first and only calm coherent things his sister would say to him was a mockery?

He had been nothing but nice to her, he had been trying do to what's best for her and she responded like that to him. Ironically, her threats and angry screams were easier to take, it was easier to deal with an over emotional Azula rather than _this_ Azula, a controlled one, one who had time in silence to reflect and think of the right thing to say, an Azula that had examined and studied previously he word to deliver them and cause certain effect.

But Zuko could do better, he must be better than that. He would not deliver the irrational, angry response she was asking from him; he had promised himself he would be there for his sister as much as Uncle Iroh had been there for him, after all they were still children, and it was not their fault their fathers mistreat and abuse that led them to these dark place full of range, hate and anger.

In moments like this Zuko loved his uncle more than anyone, he had not been easy to be dealt with either, and if his uncle had managed to change the angry broken child he once had been into…well, who he was now, then his sister was owed the same chance to grow and heal.

Zuko was not sure of where he stood now, but he knew he wanted to do better, for his country, for himself and yes, for his sister. He had to try to do the same with his sister, even if at moments like these felt like the most difficult thing to do.

“Don’t patronize me” He answered, as calm as he could. The anger was there, he could feel it, but he managed not to let it out.

However he knew that staying there with Azula in such state from both of them was not the best choice and he did not feel like fighting with his sister today.

So he stood up and left, leaving behind once again his little sister.

.

.

“Your stupid advice did not work out” Azula spatted with, in fact, a lot of anger. She had been even in disposition to apologize for her last outburst, but it hadn´t brought her results. She had done what he had said and question her father´s actions, and nothing good had come out of it. She should have been smarter than that, now the fragile small relationship she had been building with Zuko was gone. Again, and if was some doctor´s fault. 

This whole cooperation idea had been stupid, why did she had to listen to Doctor Haku? His advice had been crap. “Communication is the key” he had said, well communication had led her nowhere.

Second nice conversation she tries to establish with her stupid brother and he ditched her, just like that.

“How come?” Doctor Haku asked. Azula knew that form a captive situation, cooperation was key to getting out, however in her case cooperation meant to open up, to let down her defenses and talk. They just wanted her to talk.

“I asked my stupid brother about a family matter and he got mad.”

“Well, could it have been how you placed it?” How dared he? Azula had actually tried and now he tried to put it against her.

No, Azula did not _tried_ , trying was for those who contemplated failure, weaklings. Azula accomplished, effectuated, acted. She didn’t have to try, failure was not an option. It was just that the advice had been crap and her brother was stupid, not her fault at all.

The Doctor must have noticed her anger, because suddenly he was talking again.

“You know, we do not get to decide how we affect others. If someone tells you you hurt them you don’t get to decide you didn’t, what you can do is make up for it and embrace you did wrong, even so without knowing or without having such intention.”

“It is not my fault Zuko doesn’t know how to take a simple question”

“Well, what did you ask?”

“About his scar”

Silence fell. She expected something out of that. She wasn’t stupid, she knew there were some subjects not everyone was so open about, but she _had_ to know.

She had to know what was it that finally made it to her dad so he scared Zuko like that. She needed to know how close had she been that one time she talked back. She needed to know.

“Your advice is crap, this is the last time I try to cooperate with you” she said, and with that she left.

If there was disappointment in her therapist eyes she was well used to it to let it slide.

Apparently nothing was enough to get rid of her brother; she had screamed at him, threated him, mocked him, and despite of it all he was always back, every Tuesday, no exception. Azula feared she had finally crossed some line.

Fear evaporated when the next Tuesday he did arrive. Azula tried not to be surprised, but the truth was that her brother had never left so abruptly like last time, needless to say she didn’t expect for him to be back the next week with a tart and tea. She scoffed.

“So? Is this you apologizing for not answering the last time?” Azula was taught many things across her life; war, tactic, fighting, firebending, politics, but how to receive a gift was not one of them. Her brother sighed and sit down.

Silence had began, once again. It may be way too optimistic, but they had not been so close and peaceful since they were children. Just a six months ago they had been on their last Agni Kai, now they could almost enjoys a cup of tea even if it came with heavy silence.

Last week was really an achievement and it would have been a bigger one if Zuko had not left.

Zuko did not answered and just put the tea between them, served a cup for him and another for Azula. The tea thing was new, he had never brought anything with him and she didn´t know what to make out of it. He placed the tart in front of her.

This was war. She needed something from him, and some battles are worth losing if it means the win on a bigger one, but of course, Azula never lost. She did not need to sacrifice a small battle to win the bugger picture, she could win both.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t answer. I am being nice with you for the first time and try to start a conversation and you don’t even cooperate. One could think you don’t want me out of here, Zuzu”. Strike One. She saw pain pass through her brother´s eyes.

Her therapist had one told her that she seemed to displace guilt into others and manipulate them into her doings. He had even suggested for her to express what she wanted quite literally, without rodeo, just say it clearly. But Azula was not listening to him twice, specially since the last time did not work out.

“Start a conversation? That was what you were doing back then?” he was mocking her. And Azula would not tolerate that, not even from the Fire lord

“Just drop it. Stop pretending to be such a good brother when we both know why are you here”

“Why am I here?”

“To mock me! To watch me rot here while you are out there ruling our nation. Taking _my_ rightful right to the throne. Just say it, you love to see me here Zuzu.”

Silence came between them once more, but where once it meant “We are not okay but it could be worse” this time it was something more like “That’s what you get form breaking that silence from before, this is worse”.

Pain flashed through Zuko´s eyes once more, just that this time it was worse. Yet he did not left. He just sat there, in silence in front of her, just as her tea was getting cold. Zuko came every Thursday, and every Thursday he would sat in fron of azula for two hours in agonizing silence. Today´s routine became interrupted in the beginning, breaking the silence and damaging both siblings, but other than that his visit continued normally. She did not touched the tea.

Before the Fire lord left, Azula asked again;

“What did you say in fathers war room?” Zuko did not say anything this time and just left, and if someone asked her if she ate the tart at night while she cried well she would deny it.

.

.

“How many more times are you going to ask me that?” Zuko exploted one day, it was the twelvth time in a row that Azula asked that, which meant more than three months haunting him with the same thing. Nothing else was exchanged between them nowadays. not ea, no tarts, no words, just one haunting question.

“As long as I need to get an answer” Zuko rolled his eyes, so typical of him. Azula could see him thinking, Agni her brother had never been good at hiding his emotions or keeping his thoughts to himself, however, as much as an open book Zuko was it seemed as if sometimes he was written in a whole other language.

She could not begin to understand him and that bothered her.

Zuko´s sigh broke her from her train of thought. He sat down in the usual spot he had just left.

“I spoke out in turn” he answered. Azula was not satisfied

“I know that, idiot. But how? What did you say?”

“I answered. I need that from you too.” Oh, well, that was… unexpected.

Azula had certainly not expected for her brother to ask something from her. She nodded, she was not going to lose. Zuko took his time, as if he had not expected for her to agree. He had probably not thought this through, yet here they were.

“Did you eat the tart?” It seemed easy, way to easy to answer. Then, why did it feel so hard?

Yes, she had eaten it. So what? It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to. She could just say it. However there were implications like how the tart had been a chocolate one, and she would have to admit and remember how her mother sneaked chocolate tarts to Zuko when they were little; Father did not want to make a sweet tooth out of his children, none of them. Besides if they were to be Firebenders they had to be at their best, their nutrition could not afford a chocolate tart, Agni forbid it. And her mother… well there was no sympathy towards her form here, was there? Mother brought Zuko chocolate tarts because he cried when father screamed at him, Azula did not. Zuko was soft and deserved chocolate tarts, Azula did not. But Zuko always gave her half. Always, no exception. Even if she had been meanto him earlier that day, even if she throw it in his face to the turtleducks as she screamed how she didn’t need his sympathy. Yet Zuko never stopped, he had always been stubborn, and that had not always ended up well, but Azula had not been alone on Thursdays even if she felt like she deserved it. So excuse her if she did not want to admit that little fact.

“No. I throwed it away. My turn; What did you say?” Lying came easy to her, she had lied for most of her life, and yet this time it made her feel wrong.

“They were planning to send an army full of beginners as a bait. I spoke in their defense. My turn. Why do you care about that? It was a long time ago? Why bring it back?”

“Can´t a sister be curious about her brother, Zuzu?” Azula mocked him to hide her offense.

Just once she showed interest in her brother and that how he answered, how ungrateful of him.

“That counted as a question, by the way. And no, you are never just curious”

“How little you think of me, brother dearest”

Silence fell upon them once again, but this time it was silent for none of them. Zuko kept contemplating why her sister had brought that up and why hadn’t he lied about it. He really wanted to improve their relationship, but it didn’t come as easy as it sounded, he knew they would never be like Katara and Sokka, their father had made sure of it, always making them battle against each other, always despising the other´s triumph. So no, he could not just ignore all that he and Azula had been through for almost a decade and trust her fully, besides the fact that she did no effort salvaging their relation did not help either.

Was it really worth it, if she didn’t want nothing to do with him? Sometimes he had to remind himself that he once had been like her, out bursting at his uncle and closing him off. So yes, Azula was worth it.

Meanwhile, the Fire princess contemplated on what her brother had just told her. She was no foreigner to those kind of tactics, sacrificing and spending others life for the sake of war. Previously, she hadn’t had a problem with that, after all she was not only educated on war, she was educated in it. But when Zuko had said it it seemed as is he had been disgusted by the idea. And that intrigued Azula. Had he not been educated just as her? Why could he see the wrong beneath it and she couldn’t? Even more, she knew her brother had not been ignorant on their fathers education methods, they were his children after all, why on earth would Zuko forget about that just to defend a couple of troops? What gave him such nerve? Was that why her father favorited her? Because she wouldn´t stand up for what is right? What if what Zuko lacked from was some monstrosity? 

“Why did you speak in their defense? They weren't even there, they wouldn't even have known, why bother?” Zuko´s gaze burned her, as if he was contemplating whether she actually meant it or not.

“I am not patronizing you or mocking you, for Agni´s sake. I really do not know why they banished you. Its not like Daddy Dearest would be telling everyone the disgrace you were for him. I had always assumed that at least you had done something worth being banished for and not something as punny as defending some troops.” Azula knew it had not been the right thing to say, she knew it and Zuko´s gaze just confirmed it. But it was true and he knew it, his Father had thought of him as a disgrace and that, neither him nor her could change.

Zuko stood ready to leave once more, that had gone well, Azula thought. Better than the first 12 times at least she had some answers now

“I did it,” Zuko began. She had not expected for him to answer the last question, today her brother was full of surprises. “because those men loved our nation, they were ready to live and die for it, to give everything for it. And it seemed unfair that they would toss them away just like that, it felt as if their loyalty was being betrayed.” And with that Azula was once more left alone, alone with an internal rage and turmoil she could not speak about.

Without her permission a memory came to her of the last time she had spoken to her father, about how he was leaving her behind just like Zuko, just like those troops.

All along her life there had been times, after Zuko´s banishment, when she could swear she could feel her father´s burning hand in her flesh. She never felt it more that that day. And, though she knew what she would’ve done in his brother´s place, she could understand what had driven him into speaking out of turn.

.

.

By now, Doctor Haku was used to and angry teenage girl bursting into his office. So it came as no surprise when, after three months, Azula finally reappeared there.

"My mother thought I was a monster and never loved me because of it. And apparently my father thought too I was a monster, but he loved me for it. Now my brother thinks I am a monster. And, quite frankly, I am not sure if that's what I want to be. Sorry for calling you out and screaming at you last time. I say I don't want it to be true and yet act as such. I am sorry"

However, there were still a lot of things Doctor Haku did not expect from Azula. He was more used to with dealing with soldiers and, more recently, ex prisoners' or just victims of war. He knew the Fire Lord had not been a nice person, and before this he had only heard rumors of the princess being the same. 

He knew Azula as all the Fire Nation had; she had brought back her brother with his honor and killed the Avatar, she had conquered Ba Sing Se, she was a Fire bender Prodigy, a real master. When he had seen her in ceremonies and such, she always looked so big and strong.

It would never have crossed his mind that a few months later, the almost fifteen year old girl would be crying in his office asking for help. She looked so small there, without her sharp make up, her armor and her neat hair. 

Here, she was just a fifteen year old abused little girl. Who held a deep rage against herself, her father, her mother and the world itself. She was alone and afraid and couldn't even bring herself to ask for help. She was such a case. 

And yeah, sometimes she had low points, but didn´t we all? She screamed at him and called him out, but she came back. And, for once, she was actually apologising

"You are forgiven, Azula. You are free to retake our sessions when you are ready. And, maybe we can work on that. I am not quite sure everything you say it´s true"

  
"You don´t know. I always knew my father loved me because I had something Zuko hadn´t. And now, after talking with him, I realize that, apparently the only thing extra I have is monstrosity."

"Maybe, but have you considered you were not born like that? That maybe, he molded you both into what he needed? Azula, are you sure your father loved you?" And that was a place Azula did not want to go into.


	9. Hold on, to the memories they will hold on to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azula´s birthday is coming, she remembers her past birthdays and doesn´t know what to expect for the next.  
> This is like the first part of the chapter, I wanted it to be divided like before birthday and during, so expecto something soon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am almost done with school which means I will possibly be more able to update with more frecuency.   
> I had this idea but I didnt know how to finish it concretly and so I decided to make two small chapters rather than one. For the next chapter Azula gets her birthday wish and an extra surprise as well. ideas of what Azula might actually like to do are welcomed, because I dont have none yet :P
> 
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend

During her last birthday, Azula had been on a ship on her way back to the Fire Nation after losing track once more of his brother in the Western Air Temple. She had had plans, despite Sozin´s comet being almost ahead and all, Azula had made plans for her birthday. It was not everyday she turned fourteen. 

But of course, that when she arrived back to Caldera empty handed, no Avatar, no Zuko, a prison outbreak in front of her and two traitors for friends, well… it didn´t go as planned. Fire lord Ozai hadn´t been happy with her, in fact he didn’t even acknowledged her the whole day. 

Not that it was much of a surprise, Azula sometimes even wondered if her father knew when she had been born. He had never been one of big celebrations (unless those celebrations were for him, of course), and the last time someone remembered her birthday just for the sake of it had been three years ago, two months before Zuko´s banishment. Of course, that in the Fire Nation people celebrated her birthday, it was expected from them to commemorate their princess birth, but it was more due to obligation rather than caring whether Azula was 10,11 or fourteen years old. 

In the past, Zuko and her would spend together days like that. And when they had been obliged to come to formal dinners of nobles who honored them, in the night they would sneak to the pond and they would just watch the turtleducks rest. In more than one occasion Ursa had found them like that, underneath a blanket beside a tree, tart all over their face, fallen deeply asleep. They had been young then and Ursa would carry them lightly into their rooms before Fire Lord Ozai would find them like that. And when were a bit older, then she would wake them up and accompany them into their rooms. 

The first birthday they spent without their mother had been when Azula turned 10 years old, and they had been caught by Ozai at the next day underneath the tree. Azula still remembers the tiredness that came the next day. 

“You are Heirs to the nation now, the best there is. And you are out here behaving like pigs. You´ll train until you learn to behave like prince and princess” He had said. And she still doesn’t remember a training as hard as that day. Specially because it was the first time Ozai had directly put them to fight against each other, as he watched. 

“The Loser gets two extra training hours for the whole month.” He had said. 

Azula remembers Zuko frozen stare, not knowing what to do at all. He clearly didn’t want to fight against her, not because she was a prodigy and he feared her, but rather because she was his sister and he was afraid for her. But Azula was smarter, she knew better, she knew their consequences would be so much worse if they refused to do as said. Two hours extra of training the whole month looked like a joke in comparison to what Fire Lord Ozai may do to them, to Zuko, if he stood up for them. And so, she threw the first punch. 

Zuko ignored her as long as the punishment had endured. Even when his birthday arrived, three weeks after hers and she had suggested going for tarts, he just threw her off his room. And things did not become better, because apparently Fire Lord Ozai enjoyed watching Zuko losing against her. And, while the first times Azula avoided losing because she did not wanted to train more than she already did, after a while she realized that she couldn’t lose anymore; Fire lord Ozai actually smiled at her when she lost, and praised her despite against her own brother, and he told her how much not a failure she was, and she just couldn’t lose anymore. Because she had already set the bar above Zuko, even if she had wanted to release him from a month of punishment and take her for herself, she knew it wouldn’t be the same. Zuko was used to losing, and he was even getting used to the punishments, but Azula knew hers would be so much worse, because how bad and pathetic must she be to lose against Zuko? She would be given a punishment hard enough for her to remember not to ever be beaten again, to remember that she should, no, she must be better than him, so much better than him. Fire lord Ozai would take nothing from her but perfection. And so, she couldn’t lose and Zuko would take the fall. Better him than me, she thought, and she thought, and she thought. It became somewhat her mantra. 

When she turned eleven Zuko did remember, but there were not even private celebrations between the two of them, nor stolen tarts or stargazing in the pond. Zuko remained angry at her, and she convinced herself that she was okay with it; if Zuko was mad it was because of his own weakness. It wasn’t Azula´s fault that he couldn’t stand his ground against her, it wasn’t her fault she was so much better than him. She convinced herself of that, or so she claimed, despite crying herself to sleep that night.

And despite having bad memories of her tenth and eleventh birthdays, and no memories whatsoever of her 12th and 13th (because does an event really happen if there is no one to remember it? Had she really turned 12? 13? If so, then why hadn’t nobody told her? Why hadn’t anyone remembered her?), the last year was the worst. Her friends had recently backstabbed her, she had lost her brother and had viewed a Jail break right in front of her and nothing had been done. Empty handed and empty hearted she had begun that day, and empty handed and empty hearted she had ended it. 

Azula had no expectations of her birthday this year, much less being in a mental hospital and all. 

Besides her birthday would not happen during a Tuesday, so all hopes of seeing Zuko around were gone. And the fact that Zuko would remember her birthday felt too far away. But she didn´t want to be alone, she had already spent a couple of years on her own, not even her father acknowledging the date, she didn’t want that again. 

“Do you have something planned for your birthday next week, Azula?” The doctor asked her. She remembers that planning was her forte, her specialty, whether it was an invasion, an important event, or a volleyball tactic game, she was really good at it, and yet she had nothing planned.

The doctor must have noticed it was a delicate topic at the moment, today they were at her room and she had spent all session in her bed hugging her knees and resting her chin in them, vacant stare as memories of her last birthdays passed by.

“What’s the use? Its not like I could go anywhere or do whatever I want. I´m stuck here”

“And if you could, if you could do anything you want to do, what would you do?” 

“Well, Nobility in the Fire Nation tend to celebrate their birthday by-“

“No, no nobility. You. Azula. Not princess Azula, not sister Azula, nor friend Azula, not daughter Azula, just you. Azula.” Now that took Azula for surprise. She wanted to answer, but she didn’t know how. If all possibilities were open, where would she start? Did she really know what she enjoyed doing if there were no eyes set above her? No expectations of how and what should she accomplish? 

“I… I don´t know.”

“How about if you think really hard about that and we see if we can act upon it for next week?”

“Like a birthday wish?”

“Like a birthday wish. One thing you would like to have or to do for yourself. But it needs something that you enjoy in the act, not in the result. Can we try that?”

“I guess we can”

The session had ended but Azula remained the same in her bed, expecting the answer to come up at her at some point, but every time she tackled something down it came with a downside.

For example, Volleyball, Azula though she enjoyed Volleyball, but she had never played for the sake of playing rather than for humiliation her counter team. She thought of Fire bending, but she hadn’t done it since she had entered the hospital, and she wasn’t sure that she was ready for that injury to be opened. Pai Sho? No, she knew that her interest in the game had just been a missing attempt to gain her uncles love. And after all of them, after all the attempts for praise, or love from someone else, what was left? Who was she when she didn’t do things to gain other things? Was she even?

She really wanted to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of Azula finding herself outside of what her abuser told her she should be. I JUST WANT HAPINNESS AND DECONSTRUCTION TO HER OK??


	10. I'll cry until the candles burn down this place, I'll cry until my pity party's in flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why'd I put my heart on every cursive letter?  
> Tell me why the hell no one is here  
> -Pity Party, Melanie Martinez  
> .  
> .  
> Azula´s so waited birthday doesn´t go as well as we would have liked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To begin with, I´d like to apologize first, cause this is pure angst, as you may have foreseen from the title.  
> Honestly, I really wanted to give Azula nice birthday, but making Zuko let go of all his trauma to make his sister happy... welll isn´t quite fair now is it? As much as I (and Zuko) love her, I am certain he still has some feelings towards that date, and I am not going to deny his trauma for her sake. Sorry, it didn't seem very in character for me.  
> But I do apologize, because this is not what I wanted, but as I kept writting (I wrote a lot! So much I decided to divide it and because I have no self control whatsoever I am going to upload everything today) it kept turning better. I really like this choice I made (despite the angst and the conflict). And if you dont, dont worry, better times are coming for Azula.  
> I have another surprised planned for this fic, maybe I´ll announce it in christmas or new year as a treat, or maybe I´ll announce it tomorrow due to my lack of self control.
> 
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice Monday

As her birthday approached, her anxiety grew bigger with it.

Azula had tried every day of that whole week to think on one, one thing she enjoyed for the act of it. Trashing other people’s houses? She had done that in revenge and enjoyed it after, making fun of Zuzu? It felt empty or, lately, bitter. Planning strategies to take down cities no one ad even taken down before. The praise afterwards had felt good, but in the meantime it hadn´t brought her actual joy.

Then what?

She was anxious, her birthday was due to Monday and it was Saturday, the day after she would have to face session day with Doctor Haku, and confess she failed. After all she had failed again. She had tried what he said, approaching the situation in different ways, but none seemed to work. Maybe she just didn’t enjoy nothing at all.

Now that wasn’t fair. Everyone got to enjoy their things but her, Ty lee had her acrobatics and circus, her uncle liked to make tea and play Pai Sho, Zuko liked going to the pond and feed the turtleducks, Agni! even Mai enjoyed certain, few, things!! But her? She didn’t enjoy any of those things, she didn’t enjoy anything!! She was just an empty case for her father's dreams, wishes and commands. She was perfectly empty to be filled with his ideals and his mind. Maybe she was the monster all of them thought she was, maybe there was no joy to find in her life, maybe…

“Azula!” Azula was taken aback from her trance and looked where the voice had come from. Oh, right. It was already Sunday, wasn’t it? And she was in Doctor Haku's office. Weird, she could have sworn she wasn’t there mere seconds ago, she was… well… wherever her mind had been taking her back then, spiraling out of control, out of reach from her.

The doctor hadn’t quite raised his voice, but neither had her father ever. Raising your voice, screaming, is a sign of weakness; if you are not being heard in a normal tone, then you are not worth being heard at all, there is no point in raising your voice. And if your actions don’t speak for themselves, then save your breath. That was what he had said when she was six and tried to get his attention for him to check out the new form she had learnt. Ever since she had tried to tone it down, always poised and controlled, she would be heard. Azula knew better than anyone you don’t need to scream and raise your voice to get your point across.

The doctor hadn’t quite raised his voice, nevertheless she flinched.

“I'm sorry if I scared you-“

“I'm not scared of you!” Azula replied before even beginning to think about it. Agni, she felt so dumb; here she was, in a doctor’s office breaking down because she couldn’t think of one thing she enjoyed. How pathetic

“I know you are not. However, I apologize if I raised my voice much for your liking, you were spiraling”

Had she voiced all those thoughts? She was even less controlled than what she expected. “Get yourself together” she self-ordered.

“I just… it’s just… I can’t seem to enjoy nothing! All my life it was fulfilling the expatiations upon me or suffer the consequences. I guess I didn’t really enjoy winning or demonstrating my capabilities, I enjoyed the lack of punishment, but there was no reward afterwards… so I just don’t know.”

“It's okay-“

“No, it’s not. I´m sick of failing here and you telling me it’s okay. Are you trying to punish me? Is this trick for me to lower my defenses and-“

“It is not. There is no winning of failing here. And even if there were, there is no punishment or lack of for each. It´s a path Azula, a path we are walking together, and sometimes we walk one mile and sometimes we walk one step. And there will be times you take a step backwards and it’s okay, so long as we keep moving forward eventually.”

Azula's silence grew. That was the same speech Doctor Haku had been giving her for a while, and she knew it was true. She knew there would be no real consequence for her not wanting to open up, or not being able to do so. And yet, it seemed as if a part in her brain couldn’t completely believe it. She knew it was true but couldn’t completely assimilate it.

It had always been a lose-lose game with her. Fire lord Ozai had made sure of that, of her never being able to win. In his game, there was never a real victory because nobody could win, they could just avoid failure, but it wasn’t the same. Not getting punished wasn’t being rewarded, and that was something Azula maybe didn’t want to understand. Because if she did, if she understood the fact that there had been no reward and it was just the normal way to act then…

Then that would mean that all the times Ozai hadn’t raised her voice at her hadn’t been love, and it was just the way it should be. If not being punished was no reward, then where did her father's love to her went?

So no, Azula didn’t want to begin to assimilate the fact that she could fail without consequence and that that was okay. That that was the way it should be and not a reward she had achieved.

“I… I did think of one thing I enjoyed.” Azula muttered after a while, not wanting to face the failure in front of her, opening seemed like the less bad choice.

“I'm listening” Doctor Haku encouraged her

“I… well… Zuko and I used to seat beneath a tree and eat stolen tarts and watch the turtleducks beneath the night sky. Sometimes we would take a book out and read it in the light of our fire. Sometimes we would even do figures with our fire and tell stories of dragons and pirates. But that was a long, long time ago. I doubt for a chance of that happening again.”

“And why don't we try? Remember what we talked about stating your desires plain? Why don’t you write your brother a letter?”

“I… I wouldn’t know how.” She admitted while taking the paper it was being handled to her. It was true, Azula was still managing stating what she wanted without making it sound as something she had the birthright to, or an order, or without manipulating people into giving her what she wanted. “It's late, don’t you people have a sleep schedule?" had turned into an “I have to retired, I am tired and want to sleep”, “Surely, you're too stupid to get this done right” had turned into “Could you please do this for me?”. It hadn’t been easy, she still had to bite her tongue sometimes and in other times she should help it.

Besides those had been small easy things. How was she supposed to write to her brother stating the fact that she wanted him to spend time with her during her birthday? It was too much

“Keep it simple. Just, great, state clearly what you want from him, and say goodbye. You can give me the letter later today and I’ll make sure to send it to him”

“You're not going to write it with me?” Azula asked, both, a bit surprised and scared to be left on her own doing this.

“I trust you’ll make a fine work on your own. And if you don´t, your brother will probably visit on Tuesday and you will be able to apologize and amend your wrongs. There is nothing unfixable, yet that doesn’t mean you should be reckless with what and how you write it. I trust you Azula, you´ll be fine” Azula almost wanted to laugh, easier said than done. But she didn’t because this was the first time someone directly told her they trusted her. Her father had never said it, because it was her duty not to fail him, so there was nothing for her to be trusted with, she had no choice but to deliver. It felt nice that someone though of her as capable, even if that someone was doctor Haku.

.

.

~~Dearest brother~~

~~Dear Zuko~~

~~Fire lord Zuko~~

~~Dear Fire lord brother Zuz~~ , Zuko 

I hope this letter finds you in good health. As you may be aware, tomorrow is my 15th birthday, and I would really like it if you could come around. I know it is not Tuesday, but I would appreciate it if you could ~~find some time in that busy schedule of yours to~~ spend time with me. Thanks, in advance.

~~Your sister~~

~~Princess Azu~~

Azula

.

.

“Azula!” Doctor Haku's voice took her out of her head.

She opened her eyes and looked around, she didn’t remember how she had arrived to where she was, there, in the middle of the room in her knees hugging her pillow and screaming fire at it. The pillow was on fire and her hands were burning from the outside. Quickly she dropped it, the fire was quickly extinguished but not by her own hand, but rather by the bucket of water the Doctor had dropped in it.

Azula stared at the mess around her and amused herself. She hadn’t summoned fire since the Agni kai, she though that without purpose, without rage to keep her fueling it, she wouldn’t be able to come up with it. And yet her mattress had burns from her hands.

He hadn't arrived, of course he hadn’t come. Why would he?

And yet the question that haunted her the most was, why wouldn’t he? They had been on good terms for a while, she hadn’t shouted at him or tried to attack him for a while. She had been playing her part, trying to reconnect with him once more. She had done everything right; she had even written that fucking letter. And it had been a good letter, she knew because she had written it a thousand times until she had been satisfied. It hadn’t been manipulative, or mean, or cruel. It had been a nice letter, or the nicest she could be. And it hadn’t been enough for him to show up.

Had she asked for too much? She hadn’t asked for presents, or tarts, or a trip out of here or anything! She had just asked for some quality time with him. Not even the whole day, just… some minutes at least. Had that been too much? Was asking him to be with her had been too much? Was her company so unwelcomed that he couldn’t tolerate it for the sake of her birthday for fifteen minutes…?

Azula locked eyes with Doctor Haku, terrified she looked at the mess she had made. That was it, they were going to tie her up and send her somewhere worse. She had slipped way to far now and there was no going back. Would they send her to prison now? Next to her dad? And what was that sound?

The noise, she realized, came from her. Her sobs flood the room and soon she realized tears were streaming down her face. She covered her mouth with her burnt hand, she hadn't even felt that pain, she was a fire bender after all, she was Ozai's daughter.

“I'm sorry” she muttered between tears, thinking of how she had burnt all her chances to the ground. “I'm sorry, I-I didn’t mean to, I was just mad and then the fire and…”

She felt arms covering her up, and she didn’t even try to fight. Whatever this was, she deserved. But this wasn't something bad, this was just Doctor Haku holding her, _hugging_ her. Azula tried to forget the fact that she didn’t remember the last time she had been hugged.

“He didn’t show up” she began “He didn’t show up and I didn’t do anything wrong. The letter, I swear it was fine, I had been good so far. Why didn’t he show up? Why did he leave me alone once more?”

“Shhh, shhh. It's alright Azula. It is not your fault. I'm sure your brother has his reasons beyond you. It is not your fault. It was beyond your control; you did everything you could. Now, c´mon, let’s find you another room, alright?”

Azula looked at him and couldn’t believe what was coming pout the doctor’s mouth.

“You're not going to send me to prison?”

“Exactly for what would I do that?”

“I destroyed the room, I almost set it all on fire!”

“Well… yeah, the only thing that’s going to happen is that we are going to send your brother a bigger bill this month. But that’s it. You didn’t hurt anybody; besides, it is normal to experience this kind of breakdowns sometimes. The important thing is that you are okay. Are you hurt?”

Azula indicated that no, she wasn’t, with her head. And yet the doctor took a look at her hands.

“They look hurt to me.”

“It´s okay. I´m almost used to them.”

“Still, I'm going to take you to the infirmary so they can look at them, in the meantime I'll look for a spare room, okay? Try to get some sleep while you can. The sun's coming up in a couple more hours.”

Azula simply nodded as she was taken to the infirmary. Doctors Haku arm never left her, and when she turned around to see the mess she had made, she tried to ignore her mother's ghost mouthing “I love you, I really do”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was anyone going to tell me that ´is not the same as '? Or was I supposed to find out by mistake?  
> Oh my god, I just found out that the apostrophe is not the same key as the accent. I am so sorry, I am sure you've noticed that so far I've been writing like this "I´m" instead of "I'm". I hadn't found the correct symbol!! Omg I am so sorry!! I'll try to correct it from now on!  
> (In my defense, in spanish we (almost) never use the apostrophe and therefore I had no idea where it's key was, whereas the accent it's pretty common and I though it'd be the same!!!)


	11. And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention I haven't met the new me yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one teaches you what to do  
> When a good man hurts you  
> And you know you hurt him, too  
> -Hapiness, Taylor Swift  
> .  
> .  
> Zuko talks, Azula is less alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE REMEMEBER I LOVE TAKING LYRICS OUT OF CONTEXT, PLEASE NEVER SEE THEM IN ANY ROMANTIC WAY AS I AM WRITING OF A SIBLING RELATIONSHIP. PLEASE.  
> After that brief reminder, yes, I'm haunitng evermore for lyrics now. Let me be.  
> Say hello to my null self-control, she is going to upload three chapters in the span of fifteen minutes. Could I have uploaded instead a one big chapter? Sure, but I had a Lyrical change in mind and just one part of a song didn't fit it all, after all, not everything is a pity party or hapiness. Could I have ulpoaded them in different day? Sure but what good do they make to me there saved? Besides I cannot resist my need to share with you when I have finished something
> 
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best. I take and encourage respectful criticism.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice beggining of week

Azula woke up four hours after the incident and looked around. Her new room was exactly as the last one, with the exception that it had the mirror still intact. She looked at her reflection for the first time in almost a year. She wasn’t yet used to looking at her make-upless face, it seamed softer around the edges, childlike. Her hair had grown since the time she had recklessly cut it, her bangs were almost if they used to be. She looked at her hair, on the other hand, hadn't grown much, still at her waist length. She passed her fingers through it. It had been a long time since she had combed it, mainly because she was used to getting it done for her, besides she had had no mirror to guide her work.

But now as her reflection stood in front of her she started passing her fingers through it and though she expected some difficulties, certain knots now and then, the urge to cut it off never arrived. Good. She put her hair on a braid and took a deep breath. His mother´s eyes looked at her from the mirror. Azula look a step back.

She knew from experience that destroying the mirror would bring her no results, besides she had already made such a mess. She looked around and opted for putting a bed sheet instead. That should do the work of keeping her from seeing… her again.

Besides, it was Tuesday, and she didn’t need more things to worry about. Not when the Fire lord occupied all her mind. She wasn’t sure whether or not he would pass by today, but if he did, what would she do about it?

Fury had not yet left her, but she wasn’t even sure at whom that fury was directed to. She wanted to say Zuko, and that would have been the easy answer, and she could convince herself of it, lying came too easy even nowadays. But she knew it wasn’t true. Even if it came down to her attacking him to discharge her anger into someone else, it would not bring her the results she wanted to obtain. So, no, she didn’t want to see him around today, because despite knowing it would be wrong, the moment she saw his face she would come right at him, and so much she knew.

But she had taken her time to decide and it was too late now. She heard as the royal guard passed down the hall right into… into her old room. Great, she had still time to scape…

As soon as they passed, she made her way into Doctor Haku's office, she didn’t have much time to hide, they would soon notice she wasn’t there and would come asking for her. She hadn’t counted on the doctor being in his office, and for a moment she froze in front of the closed door, locking eyes with him. She heard his brother asking for her in the other side of the hall, she put a finger in front of her lips, signaled the doctor to keep it quiet, as she climbed on top of a wardrobe there was. Just in time, his brother knocked into the door. Azula rolled her eyes, so polite, he was the goddam fire lord and he knocked on ~~peasants’~~ doors.

“Come in, please” ugh, why was the doctor so nice towards him? Wasn’t him on her side? “Ah, Fire lord Zuko, how may I be for your help?”

“Good evening, Doctor. I went to Azula's room and notice two things, first that she isn’t there, and second, did something happen with my sister? It seams to be all… burned.” Azula did notice her brother's avoidance of the world destroyed, as if his chosen word was any better.

“Oh, excuse me Fire lord Zuko. Yes, we had… a bit of an issue with her last night. But nothing to worry about, she is okay now and no one was harmed. We relocated her in another room. Try the 204, its there, across the hall to the left.” For a moment there, Azula thought he would sell her out, seeing how sympathetic the doctor was being with her brother, she wouldn’t have been surprised, but he didn’t.

Zuko softly smiled, almost no believing the tale that no one had resulted harmed, and quietly left. Once the door was shut, Azula came down from her hiding spot.

“Thanks, for not telling him where I really was, I guess.” She said. Despite the bit of anger forming at him for taking her brother side, Azula knew it was better to have him on her side.

“Don't thank me, my patience confidentiality is my priority. Besides it wasn’t a lie, you were relocated, I never said you'd be there” Azula smirked, this old man was smart after all. “but, if I may ask, why are you hiding from him?”

“I don't want to see him. I still feel… conflicted after yesterday. I don’t want to harm him, and I don’t think id be able to do anything else if I see him now.” She admitted. It came easy to admit things to doctor Haku sometimes, specially is he wasn’t so inquisitive about them and they were just talking, rather that in session where she sometimes felt too trapped.

“Okay, I get that, but why don’t you say it? You could tell a nurse you don’t feel like seeing your brother now and he must respect that as well.” Azula scoffed at that.

“Please, as if the nurses had the nerve to deny the Fire lord something. They wouldn’t take my side on that.” She knew it was true, because no matter how intimidating she may be, Zuko had the nurses respect on his side.

“I could do it if you want. I just sent him off, didn’t I? Besides, you have the right of not wanting to see him, its valid. And he must too learn to understand that, to respect your direct wishes, so long as they don’t hurt him or anyone else, they should be respected as well.”

“Yo-You would do that for me?” Azula was… surprised. She hadn’t expected for the doctor to take her side. She though he would suggest her to directly face her problems, not to run and hide from them.

“Yes Azula, do you want me to?”

“Yes, I think I’d like that a lot. Thanks” Just as they finished talking, he heard her brother knocking again, but this time his niceties were welcomed by her, for they gave her time to hide back on the top of the wardrobe again.

“Sorry to come back once more again, doctor. But I couldn’t find my sister in her new room. Is there any chance for you to know where she may be?”

“Yes, Fire lord Zuko. I know of her whereabouts. However, Azula asked me to tall you that she is not available for your visit right now.”

“Why? Is she okay?”

“Do not worry, she is in perfect conditions. She just doesn’t want to see you today.” Honestly, Azula should have called her brother off a long time ago if it brought with it this look in his face. It was pure gold, she even had to cover her mouth to avoid laughter escape from her. Zuko looked perplexed, as if he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. It almost made her forget how mad she was at him and everything that happen, or rather, didn’t happen the day before.

“I… I don’t understand, why wouldn’t she-“

“I believe it has something to do with your absence yesterday.” Now hold on, Azula hadn’t given him permission to spill her truth like that. It would have been even more enjoyable the new shocked face of her brother had the doctor not boarded such subject.

“I, I think I must go.”

“I believe it’s for the best. And, Fire lord Zuko, give her time, she will come to her senses eventually.” What was that? Azula was perfectly in her senses thank you. She had every right to be mad.

As soon as she heard Zuko had left she went down back again.

“Excuse you, but who told you you could tell that to my brother? And what was that last part? I am in my whole senses, in fact, I have never felt better. I don’t need your help anymore.” She said, as she excused herself from the room, trying not to look back at the doctor or to let it be known the small betrayal her heart felt.

.

.

When the next Tuesday arrives, as she had missed her last session with Doctor Haku after their last encounter, she reached the conclusion she would have to face Zuko. This time there was no one there to cover for her and call him off. Great.

Well, that didn’t mean she was talking to him. And it was his own goddamn fault. They had been doing so well, and now she didn’t even want to face him. And so, she didn’t. If she did, she would have noticed her brother´s surprised face when he entered the room and saw her there, and she would have seen how the surprise fell and turned into sadness or deception as he saw her giving him her back.

“Hey Azula. I heard you made quite a scene on the other room.” Azula was an expert in provocation, she would not fell for it and she would not talk to him.

“I see you covered this mirror instead of breaking it. That’s an improvement.” Now he was going to congratulate her, of course. And next, because her brother was so predictable, he would come for her. Attack her. And she was ready for it.

“Azula, listen. I got your letter and… I am sorry I couldn’t come to your birthday” an apology? Okay, maybe _that_ was unexpected. “But you and I have different versions of what happened in the past and I… I cannot give you what you want. I´m sorry, I can't. I cannot pretend it wasn’t on your birthday when you started beating me each time and laughing at my face for my failure. I cannot pretend it wasn’t in your birthday when dad would punish me the most, or when all of this started. I'm sorry, I can't. And, I don't expect you to understand that, you surely had the time of your life beating the living shit out of me and getting all of that praise, but I didn’t, it wasn’t the same to me.” There it was. Well, at least now she had a reason for him not coming, ¿and wasn’t that what she wanted? A reason? Something to put the blame into. Besides, it was true. Zuko had always been the one who lost, she hadn’t made it easy for him, that didn’t mean she ha enjoyed it. But why would he do it easy for her now?

Zuko left shortly after that, probably after not seeing the point of talking to the wall. And Azula was left alone, once more.

.

.

With all that had been going on, Azula totally forgot that it was the anniversary of her stay in the hospital. And she wasn’t remembered until before going to bed, when doctor Haku entered the room with a small tart among his hands. Azula looked skeptical towards him and crossed her arms.

“What is this supposed to mean?”

“Well, its been one year since you are here with us.”

“Oh great, one year in the nuthouse. Great! Congratulations for me.” She replied sarcastically. Doctor Haku took a spot in her bed and sat down.

“Azula, you may not be yet able to see it, but you have done such an improvement. Even if you still throw tantrums and decide to miss sessions.”

“I don’t!” she began as she raised her voice, she realized it quite didn’t match the point she wanted to state, so she paused, breathed, and lowered her voice into a calmer state. “I don’t throw tantrums. I was just mad at you for telling my brother about my stuff.”

“I understand that, and I apologize. I though I was doing you a good and instead, I realize, I angered you. I am sorry for that.” Was he… apologizing? To her? The doctor? Since when do grown ups in charge apologize for things?

“I… I didn’t expect that.” she admitted

“You know, Azula. Grownups, people in charge, persons in general, mess up. All the time. Just because I am a grown up doesn’t mean everything, I do is correct and it is important to admit one´s wrongs and seek amends, you know?” She didn’t, when had an adult in a higher position than her apologized? And who? Her mother? Her uncle? Her father? The only one she could think of was Zuko, and he wasn’t much of an adult yet.

“Okay, I forgive you. And I am sorry for ignoring you all week. I would like to say that its not happening again, but I´m not going to lie, for a change.” She said. She wasn’t going to be kept behind, if he was apologizing then so was, she.

“And you are forgiven. Now, come here, you didn’t have cake in your birthday and a little bird told me these are your favorites.” The doctor said as he patted a spot in the bed next to him. Azula complied.

The rest of the night was spent in silence, just the two of them eating the tart and not talking. Azula had never felt such comfort in silence, but here she was. Maybe this year had changed her, and maybe it was for the better.


	12. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (...)  
> They took the crown, but it's alright  
> (...)  
> Nobody's heard from me for months  
> I'm doin' better than I ever was
> 
> -Call it what you want, Taylor Swift  
> .  
> .  
> Let's take a jump into Doctor Haku's head and thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am just going to say one thing: GIVE AZULA A NICE PARENTAL FIGURE!!

Needless to say, Doctor Haku had had a long weekend. it began when the nurses asked him to tranquilize Azula. She is setting it all on fire, they had said, and so he rushed in there as fast as he could, bucket of water in his hands.

He knew what was causing all that, he had read her letter, after all. Just in case she had written something she might later regret, instead he found a grateful surprise. Sure, it wasn’t perfect and there were a lot of cross outs, and the ink was a bit smudged, but it was a good letter. She had really put a lot of effort into it.

He knew she had been expecting him, he saw her get cleaned and get dresses the best she could have. Azula was not an easy patient, and he was aware of it. He hadn’t even begun to understand her whole history, or her relationship with her family, but if he knew one thing for certain was that the royal siblings did care and loved each other. Even if none of them made a great work showing it.

It had been hard to see her the whole day out, beneath the shadow of the tree waiting for him. It had been great work to made her realize a thing she wanted, or she liked to do, and it resulted to be something as simple as company which never arrived.

Zuko was no patient of him, but one must be a fool for to seeing the amount of baggage the current Fire lord carried along with him as well. They were siblings after all, weren´t they? And so, he knew it would be unfair as well to blame Zuko for not being here, the guy must have his reasons, he reasoned.

And then there had been the fire.

He had expected worse from what the nurse had told him, but when he arrived to Azula´s room there were mere burnt strains in the walls and in her mattress, they had been in fire, but it all seamed under control now. Except for her.

Doctor Haku had never been way too much of a fan of Fire lord Ozai, and yet, moments like this where when he hated him the most. He could not begin to comprehend yet the amount of damage a father could inflict in his own child for her to be… like that.

Azula was holding a pillow for dear life as she screamed fire into it. Directionless mutters being lost in her blue mouth fire as tears ran down her cheeks.

He called out her name, taking her out of the trance she found herself in, and met his eyes with fear. She was just a child, and moments like this didn’t let him forget that. A lonely, hurt now 15 year old child. Agni, what had they done with her? He did the best he could to give her a different kind of warmth, which she welcomed.

The next day passed almost in a blur, he had help her out in order to avoid certain situation with her brother and they had almost talked as if they were good friends. And then he had screwed up, he knew it from the look in her face. She had looked at it as some kind of treason. He clearly hadn´t intended to do such damage, yet he did.

However, he found the way to her, into apologizing and owning his wrongs. This was a two-people journey, and she was not the only one with troubles navigating it.

At the end of the day, he didn’t fail to notice the bed sheet in the mirror of her new room and pride swell from his chest. She was slowly relearning back. A smile crossed his face as he thought how the girl she once was no more than a year ago would have shattered this mirror too. But Azula, this Azula, had decided against it. Had recognized that she didn’t like it and made something non-destructive about it. She had really grown in this whole year. And he had no doubt she would continue to do so.


	13. Sometimes love is not enough, and the road gets tough I don't know why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko visits Azula on the week of his 17th Birthday, and they have an EMO talk. Azula begins to understand the fact that she too is responsible for some of Zuko’s pain. However, she also confronts Zuko on how he is always thinking she enjoyed being the golden child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Holidays to Everyone!! I hope you have had as much of an enjoyable year as the COVID let us have. I wish you all well, health and for you to spend time with your loved ones!!

From what Azula had caught upon on, Zuko wouldn’t be visiting on his birthday, despite this happening on a Tuesday. Why would he? He hadn’t shown up on her birthday, why would he show up on his? It made no sense. Despite Azula not having yet fully understand what he meant by all that, the point had made itself pretty clear; Zuko hated her relationship with their birthdays.

It still ~~hurt~~ bug her though, she had tried to talk about it with Doctor Haku the next Sunday, about what Zuko had said about her, about them. Of course, she remembered the reason and day that came together when their father started making them fight each other, and sure it had been rough… to her! She didn’t quite understand what was Zuko complaining about. Sure, he lost, and she had accidentally (most times than not) burned him a couple of times, but at least he hadn’t had her father’s eye observing him all day and all night. Zuko had no expectations to achieve or to work upon, he was expected to be the disappointment, everything he did better was a surprise rather than an actual duty. It hadn’t been his responsibility to be perfect, it was _hers_. Besides what would he have preferred her to do? Lose and receive so much punishment? No thank you. At least Zuko’s punishments were, sure tough and painful, but they were nothing compared to what she knew could happen to her for losing against him. It wasn’t her fault he was not as good bender as her, and it wasn’t fair now that he had the nerve to spat it in her face.

However, she had to admit, she had never thought of it from his point of view. She hadn’t quite had time to worry about that while reaching perfection. And it was not like they could quite talk; in those times she couldn’t quite think of an occasion where their interactions hadn’t been stained by poisonous words from both sides. It wasn’t either as she could have stop and think for a second about him, it was her or him. Always. Their father had made sure there was no space for an “and” between them. It wasn’t Zuko and Azula, who could win against whatever came. It wasn’t Zuko and Azula who would rule the Fire Nation. It wasn’t Zuko and Azula, who wouldn’t be punished. It wasn’t Zuko and Azula, who could be happy. It was one or the other. Period. It was the way it was, the way it had been for so long, she had never stopped to question whether it was right or not.

Doctor Haku, after congratulating her for questioning the methods under which they were brought up and recognizing her past actions, recommended her to talk with him about it, rather than speculating what must it had been for him, to actually ask and listen. Azula had agreed on making an effort; on trying.

It was still weird, despite having been working on this for a while; it was weird for Azula to accept that she was trying rather than delivering. “Trying,” her father used to say, “is for people who contemplate failure among their options, you don’t try, you achieve and deliver.” Yet here she was, trying to improve her relationship with her brother. Agni if her father could see her now he’d be so disappointed for a whole lot of different things.

But he wasn’t. Instead, there was her mother telling her how proud she was. Of course, she was just on the mirror, and sometimes, it was not as frequent as it had once been, Doctor Haku had really helped her on that. But sometimes, she was still there. But now, Azula didn’t tell her to go away or tried to run from her, she tried to embrace it sometimes because even when she seemed disappointed in her, she never raised her voice or tried to hurt her as her father had. And she kept reminding her that she was loved by her, and Azula let her do that sometimes. Doctor Haku had told her that it was a part of her she was projecting as someone else cause she hadn’t quite accepted that part from her yet, when she asked which part of her had she yet to accept he didn’t answer. He told her that was for her to discover along.

Azula wouldn’t admit it out loud, but sometimes she didn’t want to find out. She wanted to keep her mom with her as long as she could, but sometimes, she got drunk on so much pain she couldn’t even look at her. It was a two-edged sword, which she kept hidden to be dealt with on another day.

Tuesday before Zuko’s birthday arrived, and to her surprise, neither of them talked. Sure, she had promised to try, but that was certainly not the day. The silence prevailed for the whole time of his visit, except for when she said goodbye with a “What’s the point of you coming if you are not going to talk?”, which was answered with an annoyed glare and a slamming door.

Curious enough, if one were to watch that interaction between the siblings one could think it was a bad one, but both of them knew they had had much worse, so they counted it as a win; no one had gotten hurt (nor verbally or physically) and the place was intact so excuse them for having such low standards, but the bar of their relationship was on the fucking ground, where it had once been underground, it was a win.

Later on, she regretted not having talked about it with him, for now, she must certainly have to wait two more damn weeks to talk. Certainly, he was not coming during his birthday, he wouldn’t dare to ruin his day with bitter memories she brought with her presence.

With everything before said, Azula certainly did not expect him to make an appearance on that day. Besides he turned seventeen, which meant that a celebration according so was to be expected. If Azula’s memory from years of studying her nation's history didn’t fail (and, let’s be honest here, it never failed), Zuko was one of the youngest Fire lords ever to be. It was a weird occurrence that a Fire lord took the throne before turning into the legal age, only weird isolated cases of parents dying before their heir turned 18 had left the Fire Nation with so young rulers. And Zuko was not even going to become of legal age.

Azula tried to repress the best she could her envy, but she saw no point in actually controlling it. Zuko wasn’t coming today and she could waste the day swelling into her own pain; she was supposed to be the youngest Fire Lord ever to be, not him. She was supposed to be celebrated for turning 15, instead, she had spent it alone in a mental hospital. She was supposed to be there, not here and not him. She was supposed to…

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her door being opened by the Royal Guard. They hadn’t even knocked, of course not, she had told Zuko it was annoying for him to knock all the time when it was routine and she was expecting him anyway. But this time she hadn’t.

However surprised Azula was, she had been trained to act under unexpected circumstances. Of course, back then those circumstances were referring more to surprise attacks and military strategies, not to “it’s my brother’s birthday and I didn’t count on him coming but alas there he was WHAT DO I DO NOW?”

So she did a thing she knew how to do very well, taunt and provoke him.

“Agni Zuko, how miserable must your birthday be that your less terrible option is to come by?” she asked with a coy smile. She recognized that if she ever wanted to abroad the other subject, this wasn’t the best way to approach it.

Zuko held her gaze, he rarely dared to do that. He must be feeling bold today.

“You know if you want me to go, you can just say it. I’m not precisely in the mood for your games today, Azula.” His words were harsher than his usual tone. He was mad.

“Who said I want you gone?” she asked. It was all too confusing; why was Zuko doing here on his birthday but not for hers? Agni why couldn’t she just hold a normal conversation with him? Her previous thoughts of jealousy hadn’t quite left her head and it was hard trying to see past that. But what could she say? How to start? She breathed out and gave in second thoughts of what she was going to say.

“Zuko, why did you come today?” she softly asked, not wanting to push him away.

“Because I come every Tuesday, don’t I?” he snapped. Clearly, someone wasn’t happy to be here. He was further from her than she thought.

“Yes, Zuko, you’re a genius. It is Tuesday!” She mocked. How easy it was to make them lose their temper among each other. Azula breathed, this was not how she wanted this to go. “What I meant, is that if you don’t want to be here for your birthday, why you came? I would have understood, you didn’t show up for my birthday, after all. I didn’t expect for you to show up.” She confessed. According to Doctor Haku, for effective communication to take place she needed honesty and trust. This was going to be hell.

“You didn’t expect me to come?! There hasn’t been a Tuesday when I haven’t come. Not even after you attacked me, why would I stop now?!” It was almost comical how Zuko, the one among them who always tried to portray more serenity and maturity (at least during his visits) was now the one who was so easily losing his temper. It made Azula feel like the old days, before the Agni Kai it had always been like that; him always so emotional, and her always so controlled. To be honest, up until this moment, Azula hadn’t noticed how much their roles had reversed, and how wrong this felt somehow.

If Zuko was losing this easy his temper, something inside her told her it was her chance to take control, that the situation demanded it. But she didn’t know how. At least not in a way that could take her where she wanted. She truly wanted to have a conversation about this with him, but it seemed so out of her reach. She knew that if she took control, she couldn’t know how to land them quite there, she would go into her old manipulative ways, she wouldn’t let go of that control, and that wasn’t what she wanted. So she lost control as well.

“Because it’s your birthday, you idiot! Last time you basically said that my presence triggers some bad memories about our birthdays, so of course, I wasn’t expecting you!” this was going nowhere, it was slipping out of their reaches and Zuko didn’t seem to be making the minimum effort to recover it. Fine, it was for her to reach, for her to take. She could be the bigger person today, without slipping into a monster again. She breathed in and out a couple of times.

“Look, you’re not making this easy, Zuzu. But I think this is a conversation we both need to have. Last time you said your experience hadn’t been the same as mine, help me understand how.”

Had she phrased it wrong? No, she had carefully thought it through. She hadn’t said anything too bad or wrong. Her tone wasn’t mean or cruel. Then why was Zuko looking at her as she had just slapped him? If she had wanted to achieve that glare she might as well have slapped him. But no, she was trying to be honest and had a mature talk with him and he was being just so difficult today. She remembered the last time he had been acting hard upon a subject.

“I swear I am not mocking you or playing at anything, Zuko. I don’t understand why you couldn’t spend my birthday with me when I specifically asked you to.” She voiced. And if the fact that Zuko was always thinking the worst from her hurt her, she did the best not to let it show.

“And why should I have, Azula? Just because you asked, right? Everything always has to go the way you want or you’ll tear your room apart. Or you’ll start burning things to the ground. Well, welcome to the real world, not everything has to go the way _you_ want, Azula”

“Don’t you think _I_ know that?? Do you think I’d be in a fucking mental hospital if things always played the way I want?!”

This was going worse than what Azula could have ever speculated. Zuko was just being mean and cruel to her. She could take it though; it was just weird. He never shot to kill like her, but when he did, he wasn’t as far from her with being cruel. Maybe Azula deserved this, she had been this mean for far longer than him. Maybe this was just vile Karma.

“Was that why didn’t you come? So you could remind me how things are so far out of my control now?”

“Not everything revolves around you, you know. I didn’t come for my own reasons!”

“That’s what I am trying to understand here!! Why? Could you, oh please, care to explain them, Zuzu?” This was going terrific. Even when asking an honest question Azula wouldn’t be dropping her sarcastic mocking tone. But to be fair Zuko wasn’t giving her too many options, he wasn’t being easy, and she wasn’t making it any easier either.

“Because, unlike you, I had terrible days on your birthday. I am sure you had the time of your life beating the living shit out of me, but some of us didn’t quite enjoy that. I’m sure you are so used to winning and getting everything being done the way you want it to be done that you cannot accept when they don’t. I don’t owe it to you to be with you on your birthday. You were mean and cruel towards me and I had a terrible time.”

Azula kept quiet for a while, just looking at him. Almost everything Zuko had said was true, didn’t mean it hurt any less. She _had_ been mean and cruel towards him. And she had beat him quite a lot. But it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t like she had enjoyed it all of the time. It wasn’t like she had had a choice. She was conflicted, she could see it had been wrong on her part, but it wasn’t as if given another chance she would do it differently, she wouldn’t know what to do instead.

“I-… I didn’t know you felt that way,” she confessed. “I, I know I cannot change what I have done in the past, and I am sorry I hurt you. But, I don’t know what else could I have done differently. I don’t. And I know it doesn’t change anything, but most of the time, I didn’t enjoy beating you up. I didn’t have the time of my life watching you suffer, as you put it.”

“Yeah, sure Azula”

“Stop being so mean, Zuko! It doesn’t suit you! I am here being honest for once and you are just making it so hard! If you don’t want to talk you can just go, you know?”

“Well, I never said I wanted to talk.”

“Oh fuck you, Zuzu.”

Then, silence uncomfortably hugged them. They were holding each other glances, which hadn’t been so fulled by anger in such a long time. Since the Agni Kai must have been since the siblings hadn’t had so much fire inside them against each other. And none of them wanted to yield first, but Azula did.

There were many ways this could have gotten down to. They could have certainly started another fight and burn the whole hospital to the ground, but they didn’t. They could have possibly stared at each other for ages, but they didn’t do that either. Azula could have stood up and provoked Zuko some more, he was so easy to mess up with, but she didn’t. Instead, she laid out in the wall and adopted a more comfortable position. There was no point in fighting now, was there? None would win, not really. Besides, it wouldn’t go very well with the point that Azula wanted to get across; that she doesn’t enjoy hurting Zuko. Not when it’s just the action in itself, there had always been a higher motive behind her attacks, whether they had been praising from her father or simple revenge. But now? If she attacked it would just be for the sake of it, and there was no joy into it. So she yielded. She had never yielded before, for she never took battles not worth winning over. It was funny the situation Zuko put her into.

“Just go, Zuzu. You clearly don’t want to be here, and you are just making it hard. Come back when you want to talk about it. Now go off and enjoy your fucking birthday.” She sent him off. She was so ready for her brother to leave and get running into Doctor Haku’s office and tell him everything, that she didn’t expect what happened next.

Zuko moved slowly, but certain as he took place next to her. It was strange for him to be so close, he always sat in a chair in front of her, but in her time there they had never sat shoulder to shoulder like that.

“Azula, I need you to understand it is not easy for me to believe you don’t enjoy harming me. After all, you smiled during my Agni Kai.”

His Agni Kai. Azula remembers that how not to if his screams and her father’s burning palm flooded her dreams at night sometimes. How to forget that day? It was the day it had all changed for them but in such different ways. She remembers visiting him in his bedroom before the duel, she helped him set the bands in his arms, she remembers him being confident (she didn’t know where that confidence came from, he had never managed to win against her after all, how could he think he would beat an actual general, she didn’t ask). She remembers advising him on his attacks, she didn’t want him to lose, after all. But the thing Azula remembers the most was their shared shook as they watched who his actual opponent was.

Zuko’s shocked face lasted more than hers because she knew what was expected from her. Had it been anyone else, she would have chosen him she would have rooted for Zuko all the way, but it was their father, and the choice she _had_ to take was clear as day. Rooting for her brother would make her a traitor. Before this day she wasn’t sure how far could Ozai go, sure he had burned them before; her wrist still had some marks from when she misbehaved. But she had never anticipated he would go _that_ far. She knew that despite his eyes not being directly upon her, he would find a way to watch her; he would ask for her reactions and where her gaze was at. And if he was ready to take Zuko down into an Agni Kai, she wasn’t sure what he could do to her if she didn’t play the role he wanted for her to play. So she watched and took his side, of course, she did.

She remembers Zuko kneeling to the ground, tears streaming down his face, and for a moment she was able to breathe again, thinking it would be over now. “I am your loyal son.” Zuko had said. They both were, Azula was so scared. She realized sooner than him that that didn’t mean anything to their father, all her hopes vanished as he saw her father's palm light up. And she did what she knew was expected from her, _she smiled_. She smiled as if she had been enjoying watching her brother cry and lose his honor like that, she smiled as if she had truly thought Zuko deserved to be burned, she smiled as if she wasn’t scared of her father at all.

It still haunts her sometimes, that smile. Out of the many things she had pretended in her life, that smile was the hardest one. She could understand Zuko’s point there.

“Yeah, I smiled.” She admitted out loud, there was no point in lying now, she just hoped that the truth would be enough to make him understand. “But it wasn’t because I wanted to, I swear. I took no pleasure in watching you get burnt like that. But what else was I supposed to do? If I turned around father would have thought of me as weak, as he did with Uncle Iroh. And I was scared of what he would do to me if I didn’t react that way. I’m sorry I did.”

Zuko stayed silent, Azula assumed he was sinking in that piece of information. Azula was too, she realized she had never voiced out her fear of her father. It was a reality she used to live in every day, but now that she was free of it, she could voice it as it was. She didn’t have to keep lying to herself saying that she followed him and every order he gave because he was the Fire Lord or a wise man, she could just admit it plainly as it was, she feared her own father and not without a lack of reasons to.

“I didn’t enjoy beating you either,” she continued. It was as if the water drop living inside of her had finally broken and a whole dam was coming out of her. She couldn’t stop and she didn’t want to. Voicing out the truth like that made her feel _lighter_. “It was what he expected from me and I couldn’t let him down. You have to know that. You never had an expectation to fulfill or an act to deliver, I did. And I know he would have punished me worse for not compiling than you for failing, he was used to your failure.”

Maybe she hadn’t chosen the most correct words, if something her brother’s look said was that, cause he was looking at her with shocked hurt.

“You… you think I´m a disappointment?” Zuko whispered, it was almost painful to watch how the previous fire that lit up shit glare had slowly consuming itself and flooding his eyes with hurt and pain.

“I… I don’t know.” Azula answered with honesty. “All I´ve ever known is our father’s way, under that perspective, sure you are. But under my perspective, well…-” what was hers after all this time? How would she judge Zuko by her standard when she didn’t know yet where she stood? “I am not sure at all, but I don’t think so. I don’t think so” Even though she felt like that wasn’t a good enough answer, Zuko seemed relieved.

Silence embraced them again, but this time it wasn’t as violent as before, it was more dull, empty almost. Azula felt again the need to end it.

“I… maybe I don’t quite know what to say, I know that nothing I say will take away what’s already done or make you forgive me for it, but, well, I just wanted you to know that I didn’t enjoy it. And beating you up didn’t actually bring me joy. It was more for duty, I guess. It was more to avoid being punished than to get you punished.”

“I’ve thought for so long that you did it because you enjoyed it that I had never considered that you didn’t.” Of course, he hadn’t. She had never shown signs of weakness or reasons for others to believe that what she did out of fear, rather than with wholehearted conviction.

“Yeah well, I´m not always a monster, you know ?” a laugh accompanied Azula’s answer, in an unsuccessful try to lighten the mood. Zuko didn’t laugh.

“You’re not a monster, where did you get that?”

Where hadn’t she, would be a better question. Her own mother thought she was a monster and didn’t love her for it, her father thought she was a monster and loved ~~(had he? Had he really?)~~ her for it. Her uncle thought of her as an irredeemable monster as well and probably wouldn’t have hesitated on bringing her down, her friends had turned their back on her cause she had been a monster towards them, and Zuko… well Zuko had just barely realized she didn’t enjoy hurting him, she was still, nevertheless, a monster in his eyes.

“Well don’t look so surprised, I’m just voicing what everyone thinks of me. It’s okay, it’s not like it isn’t true. I said I regretted hurting you, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I did it.” She answered, avoiding the fact that despite it being true, it still hurt.

“I’m sure Doctor Haku doesn’t think of you that way, and I definitely don’t think of you that way.”

“Says the guy who just figured I don’t enjoy burning him for fun.”

“Yeah, I thought _that_ and I was mad for it. That doesn’t mean I thought you were a monster. Hey, listen, if I thought of you that way why would you be here? Why would you be in a place to get better if I didn’t believe that you could?” Azula didn’t answer, at least not right away. But when she did, she felt the need to return a question being previously made.

“Zuko, do you think I am a disappointment?” This was the first time Azula ever asked anyone that. If her father had thought she was a disappointment she couldn’t even have to ask, he surely would let her know. And beside him, no one else’s opinion had mattered to her enough to ask. Maybe she’d ask the same later to doctor Haku, his opinion has grown to matter to her in such a short period. But nowhere she was, laying herself in the open I front of her brother, being vulnerable for a change.

“For me, you are far from it. I mean just look at us, could you imagine us having a decent conversation a year ago?”

“To be fair I did most of the job, you didn’t make it any easier.” She answered with a smirk.

“Yeah well, I have my moments too.” Now they both laughed.

The last silence that came into their conversation wasn’t heavy, or violent, or empty. It was comfortable, for once.

The siblings sit there for a while, the sun was setting outside and Azula knew Zuko had been here for the longest time in a while. She felt bad about retraining him for so long when a celebration surely waited for him back in the palace. Besides she had already given too many twists to his birthday, he ought to relax as well and take a breath from her as well. She decided it was time for his visit to end.

“Happy Birthday, Zuzu.”

She expected him to leave after that, but he didn’t. Time passed by and he was still there, sitting next to her in silence. And the night arrived and the Fire Lord was still inside, with his sister beside him in comfortable silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going to use this section to tell you a small anecdote about my journey through fanfiction, you can totally skip it, is super irrelevant to the plot whatsoever.  
> So I discovered fanfiction at quite a young age, and it helped me a lot to amplify my vocabulary in English (cause as I am always mentioning, it is not my first language). Anyway, my first language is Spanish, and in Spanish, the dialogs are like this:  
> -Hi  
> -Hi, ¿how are you?  
> So when I first started reading English fanfiction I was so shocked to read the dialogs among "", cause in Spanish those are used when the character is thinking of something. So twelve year old me thought that the whole dialog was happening in someone's mind.  
> That little grammatic difference was hell for me to get used to, that and to omit the ¿ at the beginning of a question.  
> Anyway, just a small anecdote I was remembering, cause twelve year old me never thought she'd dare to write in English, less to actually publish. And I know I still make a ton of mistakes but I am working on them and honestly, I am proud of how far I've come with my writing in English.


	14. And I will hold on to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azula starts to question more actively her father’s love and what does it mean. She also has an interesting talk with Doctor Haku.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Don’t read the last page/ But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you’re turning away/ when it's hard or it's wrong or we're making mistakes"  
> -New Year’s Day, Taylor Swift 
> 
> Hi!! I am back!! I had planned on updating this at Christmas as a gift to you, but things got in the way. HOWEVER, I did put up the surprise I had told you about. I officially decided to do a series out of this. I have already planned the next parts. They will be divided in books, as ATLA, but in the reverse order of the cycle starting by Fire.  
> I wanted to thanks all of your nice and thoughtful comments, they really make my whole week and keep me motivated to write more and more!!  
> Also, shout out to Rose; thanks for our conversations and your incredible writing! You always continue to be my inspiration <3
> 
> English is not my first language so bare with me please, I am doing my very best.  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77, feel free to message me and talk to me so we cant rant about stuff and that lol  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice week

“Do you think I am a disappointment?”

To say that Doctor Haku was ever prepared for what Azula might do or say next would be an exaggeration. The fifteen-year-old child came up with new things and every time Haku thought he had her studied from head to toe, a new thing came down. It was difficult, not impossible though. Besides, Doctor Haku was fascinated with the progress Azula had been doing and was willing to get any road to get her even further there. Nevertheless, the question with which the princess had started their session caught him off guard.

Despite wanting to know where she was coming from (he knew she had had a talk with her brother last Tuesday, but she hadn’t told her anything about it yet, there was no way of really telling whether it had gone well or wrong, and the question was deceiving at most), he didn’t question her yet, he opted for answering her question, it seemed to carry more importance at the moment than the reasons she may have for asking such thing.

“No, Azula. I actually think you are doing very well.”

Azula gave him a soft smile. It had cost a lot but finally, Azula was feeling a little bit more with the freedom to actually express her feeling in the open. A little bit. She hadn’t quite grinned yet, or sincerely laughed, or cried when she needed to instead of when it was too much to handle at last. But there had been smirks, there and then, giggles and frowns. And while she hadn’t quite given up yet on the illusion of perfect control over her own self, but she was slowly letting it go. How could he say she hadn’t come a long way around? The road was long and she still had a lot to walk through yet, but she had already done a great advance.

“If I may ask, Azula, where does the question come from?”

“Zuko and I talked last week, as you suggested me to do. It wasn’t all sunshine, my brother was being really difficult and mean, but we managed to get into a decent conversation at last. I think I made an important discovery,” she paused, the doctor could see her choosing with precision her next words. “I need your help answering this, my father never loved Zuko, did he?”

The question was odd, doctor Haku noticed, besides she hadn’t quite answered his last question. Almost a year with Azula had taught him a thing or two of her, and he knew what she was doing. It was as if all these questions, all this puzzle made sense into a bigger picture in her mind while avoiding, at the same time, the primary question she wanted to answer. Instead of questioning directly, she deflected as far as she could from it to avoid a direct answer. What was the puzzle Azula really wanted to solve? How’s one to know? However, not for the first time, Doctor Hazu wondered whether she was questioning her father’s love towards her as well.

“How could I know, Azula.”

“Well, I’ve told you about them, about how my father was with Zuko and their relationship. What can you take from it?”

Doctor Haku sighed. Despite knowing the answer for what Azula was asking and what she was not, it was not in his place to say it to her. If it was, he would have told her long ago “No, your father didn’t love you or your brother. Putting you to fight each other, not acknowledging your mother, and giving you “love” disguised as basic decency, praise, and attention only to manipulate you into what he wanted you to become is not love. Much less burning his own children for stupid mistakes.”. But he didn’t. He could guide her through, he could give her all the tools, but to open that wound was not his place.

“While I have listened to what you have said, let me answer you with another question. Do you love your brother, Azula?”

.

.

“Do you love your brother, Azula?” Doctor Haku asked her back, instead of just answering her question.

She felt an urge beneath her skin to run, it was as if all these were leading her somewhere she didn’t want to go, she _couldn’t_ go. But she didn’t, despite feeling how anger started consuming her bones. Why was he asking that? She didn’t want to answer, she didn’t know whether she knew the answer and it bothered her to the core. She could feel the palm of her hands getting hotter and hotter so she closed them into fists. No, she was not going to take that path today. She was not losing control of herself again. She was going to go through all this session without screaming at doctor Haku or storming out halfway through. It had been a while since those things didn’t happen, she had a record to maintain and she was sure as hell not losing it now. She briefly wondered if other patients had this inner counter as her, which said “It's been _3_ sessions since the last incident or if they were more normal than her.

But she didn’t want to answer. Hadn’t the doctor told her once she could modify her environment in order for it to adjust to what she wanted? That she could express freely want she wanted? She could try that for this.

“I don’t like that question.” She stated, calm as she used to be. There had been once a time in which everything was in the reach of her control; her emotions, her plans, her actions, everything was deep controlled. And then the Agni Kai. She had felt so out of herself, directionless just rambling around. And that feeling hadn’t quite left her in here, only sometimes she felt in control as she used to. Only sometimes her mind and body cooperated. She didn’t care whether this was one of those times, because she would make them work. She breathed in, and out. One, two, three times. Heartbeat steady, she was not scared or nervous, she tried to convince herself, she just didn’t want to answer the question, it was valid, and she could get through it without losing control of herself. She softened the fist she had made and felt blood where her nails had laid. She focused on her face, trying not to reveal how that question really made her feel and controlled herself.

“That’s valid. Do you want to share why?”

“BECAUSE-” breath in, breath out. Screaming was for people who wouldn’t be paid attention otherwise. She didn’t need that, because she was in a space where the doctor actually cared for what she had to say, no need to scream. “because…” she continued, lowering her voice tone. But she didn’t know what to say next. She hadn’t quite thought of her answer when she started answering. The first thing that had crossed her mind was to say that it was a stupid question, but there was no need either for that. She knew that it wasn’t a stupid question, and even if it had been what was the need to call him out like that? doctor Haku never seemed to ask her things to get her mad or play tricks with her, he seemed as he really cared. And Azula knew he didn’t deserve for her to be so harsh when he was just doing his job and caring about her.

She tried to concentrate, why hadn’t she liked the question? Did she know that herself? Yes. She hadn’t liked the question cause she didn’t know the answer. Ever since she was a child she hated not knowing things. Adults had always pushed her aside for being a child and so she learned to hide, behind curtains and under tables in order to sneak whatever information she could retrieve. Information was power, she knew. If you knew everything that was going on you could claim control of it. That’s why she was the best at what she did, always one step ahead of everyone’s game. But now? When she was playing a one-player game against her own self? She didn’t have sufficient information to answer one simple question and that pissed her off beyond compare.

She had lost and there was no point in hiding it now.

“Because I don’t know the answer.” She confessed looking down.

“Have you ever loved anyone?” He asked again. Azula instantaneously wanted to say yes, yes she had had friends. But she knew what lying felt like.

She felt heat in her core again, but this time she let it flow where it wanted to flow. Tears streamed down her face and she didn’t even try not to sob.

In another time, Azula thought, she would have never left the heat of her hands to dissipate. She would have held on to it as if it was her own life, cause in another time it was. She gave everything she had to her fire, for it was the only thing she could rely on and use to control what happened around her; “I think you're confused. All your life you used fear to control people, like your friends Mai and Ty Lee.” Her mother’s ghost had told her once, and it was true. Her fire, her bending abilities had given her just what she needed for people around her to fear her, just enough to be in control. And she would have never let it go.

But now? The heat of her hands had gone to her chest and into her eyes and she was crying it out. Because she didn’t want to use her fire to take out the emptiness ignorance left in her, she didn’t want to provoke more damage and because it felt somehow right.

It felt right to cry for not knowing whether she loved her brother or not, it felt okay to mourn a bit for the loss of an answer that had changed so much over her whole life. When she was five she wouldn’t have hesitated, Zuko and her loved each other and played together. He had been the very first to know when she started fire bending, which she had learned from admiring him from afar. When she was seven the answer shook a little over the look her father might have given her for answering that. Love for the weaklings was a waste, after all. When she was ten she knew the answer she shouldn't give out loud but still felt in her heart. When she was twelve and she hadn’t seen her brother in over a year and all she had heard was how weak and unworthy he was in contrast to her, the rightful and powerful heir, well, she couldn’t have said yes. She would have definitely said “no” when she turned fourteen. But now? Where did she stand?

“I don’t hate him.” she said between sobs out loud. Doctor Haku had advised her to do that; when she didn’t know where she stood to rather ask herself where she didn’t stand. So she began with that.

“That’s a good acknowledgment Azula.” He answered. She silently thanked he wasn’t trying to console her or to be affectionate right now. It was all too much and she wouldn’t have been able to handle a bit more. But just giving feedback from afar? That was fine, she could deal with that.

“I don’t want to hurt him either. And I don’t wish for him to get hurt.” She continued. She had given it a thought, once when Zuko arrived later than usual she thought that maybe he wasn’t coming, and since they had been on their definition of good terms, she got sick with worry. She knew that his ascent to the throne wouldn’t be taken well by everyone, and assassination attempts wouldn't be so out of her mind. That day she realized she would probably lose her mind for a while if her brother just died like that. She could already see herself plotting her revenge and burning whoever had killed him to the ground when he arrived. He had just apparently fallen asleep. And at that moment she had been presented two choices; unwrap why would his death bother her and the true meaning of it or displace her confusion and project it into anger at him for arriving late. She was unwrapping now what she had decided not to that day.

But everything felt somehow wrong.

On one hand, she could say that yes, she loved him because she didn’t hate him, she didn’t want to hurt him and it would hurt her seeing him getting harmed. But it didn’t quite felt right to claim love just for those reasons, it seemed to her like the bare minimum love should encapsulate. However, if she went that way and said no, I don’t love Zuko cause it’s just the bare minimum I could do, she couldn’t claim her father’s love to her at all.

Ozai didn’t hate her, and she believed he hadn’t tried to hurt her those times it was just the way to teach her a lesson or two, and he had never let anyone but him raise their voice at her so that must probably mean that he didn’t want to see her get hurt, right? He did those things and therefore he loved her. And he did the contrary to Zuko because he didn’t love him. And that was what she wanted to believe, she really did. But when she applied the same logic to Zuko and her it felt plain wrong.

And maybe that’s why she never wanted to unwrap all that, cause deep inside she knew the answer even if it implied to deny the only love she had known in her life. She couldn’t claim she didn’t love Zuko without claiming that her father hadn’t loved her at all too. And she couldn’t say she loved Zuko cause the reasons didn’t feel good enough.

“I don’t really think I know what love is or should feel like. I know my father never loved Zuko, but I don’t know whether he loved me or not. Now I cannot say whether I love my brother or not. And I feel terrible because of that.” She said, calmer. Peace came with her confession and the reality she had hidden from so many times before.

.

.

“Zuko do you love me?” Zuko chocked with the tea. That was it, Azula was finally murdering him by making him choke with the tea he had brought. Oh well, at least if he was dead he wouldn’t have to answer that question.

But he wasn’t, the choking was momentary and wouldn't save him from the question Azula let fall upon him without previous warning. It was as if a bucket of ice freezing water had been spilled over him, a chill traveled down his spine. Even though he was proud and even happy that his sister had stopped playing games and trying to manipulate him a while ago and now she just plainly asked what she wanted from him, he really didn’t like where this was going or why was she asking.

Zuko opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Not even to question her question back. Nothing. He closed it again, he could see the taunting words almost coming out of Azula’s mouth “Close your mouth Zuko, you look stupid. Almost like a fish”, she would say. But she didn’t. He saw the mock in her eyes, but her mouth never even opened. It wasn’t easy for people other than him and Doctor Haku to notice these kinds of changes in Azula. And while she didn’t always succeed in being nice or kind, one could see she really tried. Like now, even though he could see the words forming into her brain, he could also see her trying to bite her tongue and don’t let them come out.

Zuko tried to think about his answer this time, before opening his mouth and finding nothing come out of it. And it hurt him to think that it didn’t take him long to figure out his answer, after all, it was one he had not given before; no one had liked the idea of him visiting his sister after everything she had done, to others and to him. His uncle had been more than against it, so were his friends and her friends (although Zuko didn’t really think he could count her relationship with Mai and Ty Lee as friendship, he had referred to them as the for so long he couldn’t bring himself to think of them as something else). 

He remembers coming back home after the time Azula asked him about his scar. It had been a really rough time and he hadn't had it in himself to hide that fact, at least not to Sokka, who had been waiting for him to come back and discuss certain things. He could put a tough face for the rest of the palace, in fact, he _had_ to put up such an act, after all, he didn’t want to give people any more reasons to think of him as weak.

Coming back from the hospital shaken back was certainly not the powerful image he had been forced to portray.

But Sokka was different, he could try to lie to him as well but he knew it would work out, he could always see through him so well. So, nowadays he didn’t even try. The moment he entered the library, where he was certain he would find the water tribe boy, the façade fell as well.

“Zuko! You’re back! Good, I wanted to talk to you about this new development I was thinking about… Are you alright? Oh no, what happened back there? Did she do something to you again? I swear Zuko if she even laid a finger on you-”

“She didn’t do anything, this time.” He answered back. He would have focused more on the warm feeling that rose through his chest, almost firelike, had he not been too shaken aback from before.

“She just… she asked about my scar.” He answered. Sokka looked at him with those big brown eyes of him and Zuko tried not to think of how his face looked in the dim light of the candles he had been reading under.

Zuko avoided talking about Azula with everyone. Well, almost everyone. Sokka was the only exception there, he didn’t even talk about this with his uncle, not since the last time he had suggested it was better for her to be taken down. But Sokka was easy to talk with, even though he had testified Azula’s actions and capabilities first hand, he never tried suggesting Zuko about anything wild. He listened to him and even tried to understand his point of view. Of course that in the beginning, he hadn’t been a fan of the idea, at all. But he had not actively tried to convince Zuko otherwise or called him out for being dumb and stubborn. No, instead he had offered him his support and had stayed by his side.

Symbolically, more than anything, of course. Sokka had still a ton of things to fix back at home and Zuko wouldn't ask him to away from it. Nine months had passed since the end of the war and peace still looked as far from them as it ever could. The only real indicator that the war was over was the lack of active war in the world. Conflict still hunted every road, every corner, but now the three nations were working together to achieve a single goal; peace. And with the help of Avatar Aang peace seemed more possible than it ever had. However, this didn’t imply they had it easy, no one did. Sokka and Zuko were no exception to it.

And even if they had been less in touch than either of them would have liked to be, sometimes when the stars aligned, Tui Lai and Agni (and Sokka liked to think Yue had a part in there too) blessed them, they had moments like this, they could spend in the company only of one and the other.

Usually, it would be Sokka who came. He claimed his father always sent him on this diplomatic, which wasn’t entirely a lie, Sokka had gotten real good at negotiations, dealing trades, and trying to bring peace for his people. However, Zuko knew sometimes he just came for the sake of it. Zuko tried to do that as well, however, as reigning Firelord, he had less freedom than back when he was a traitor and a searched man. Nevertheless, if you asked other politicians around, the Firelord didn’t have the need to go at least once each two months to the south pole, but he did.

And all the desitions previously made had led them there, to a library where Zuko relied on Sokka’s quiet but constant support. They talked for a while, but the only thing Zuko could remember from that night was how their conversation had ended with almost the same question Azula was presenting him right now;

“Zuko, don’t take this the wrong way, but if these visits to your sister leave you like this, hurt and confused more often than actually fine, why do you insist on visiting her? Why the effort?”

He wasn’t able to answer then and he wasn’t able to answer now like he wanted to. "Because I love her", he wanted to say. "Yes, Azula, I really do", he wanted to say now. But he just didn’t want to lie about that subject. Too long had he denied whatever his and Azula’s relationship was; once he had wanted to say they had never really loved each other. But it was a lie, they once had. He had also said she would never hurt him, even if he had been ready to defend himself even before the Agni Kai.

He was done lying to himself about Azula, for both good and bad. And, even if it hurt his soul, he wouldn't lie now.

“Because she is my sister.” He had answered to Sokka, who had seemed to understand. But now he couldn’t get away with that. He knew that whatever he answered he would hurt her, if he told her the truth it would hurt her, of course, it would. But if he lied he knew, he knew she would figure it out too, she could always see through him very well after all.

He felt bad but how could he love his sister after everything she had done? He felt worse, how could he not love his sister after everything that had passed? 

.

.

“Zuko, do you love me?” Azula asked as she watched unamused as her brother choked on his tea. It had cost them a while, but finally, Azula had accepted his bringing. She tried to wait patiently as he looked for her answer, tried is the keyword. Even though she didn’t know much about love, neither from loving or getting loved, she knew that if you took as long as Zuko to think of an answer it probably was “no”. She had taken her time before as well. She decided to take pity on her brother’s dilemma and show him the way out.

“It okay, you can say no. Like me, I don’t love you Zuzu.” As soon as she said it out loud she knew it was wrong. Not because it was a lie, but because it had come out way too harsh. Still, apart from her felt better by saying it out loud, by finally accepting and embracing a truth she had run from.

The good feeling didn’t last, though, because ~~Zuko ruined it with his hurt being portrayed all over his face~~ Zuko’s hurt face made her feel guilty about what she had just said.

“Don’t give me that face, I want honesty so that’s what I am offering you as well. I don’t love you, I just realized. But don’t take it the wrong way,” she quickly added. After realizing that her previous statement sounded no better than the last one had “I don’t hate you either and I don’t want to hurt you or see you get hurt by others. But to be fair that would be a lame checklist to claim love, wouldn't it? So no, I don’t love you. But not because I don’t want to it's just… I don’t really know how to.”

Zuko’s face changed after that. As if what she had just said resonated with him as well. Of course, it would, they had had the same father after all hadn’t they? Weren’t they both used to thinking love was only those three things and nothing more? Sure, Zuko must know more about love than her, he got to spend three years away from Ozai and closer to someone who loved him for real, unlike her. But still, thirteen years of beliefs didn’t get erased as easily. She watched as Zuko took a deep breath and got ready to spill his truth.

“Thanks, I guess it _is_ a lame checklist. I don’t love you too.”

And Azula thought that it should hurt more than what it did, but it didn’t. Huh, it was funny how messed up they were that saying they didn’t love each other didn’t hurt at all and instead gave them a newfound kind of hope. Or at least she saw it that way, because now none of them were conforming to the bare minimum and mistaking it for love, they were looking for something _more_.

“Great. Anyway, what were you saying before about the deal with the Earth Kingdom?” Just as easy as she had charged him with the question she changed the subject now. Zuko’s amusement lasted shorter this time and both of them quickly returned to their previous conversation.

It was the first time Azula had decided to actively contribute to Zuko’s telling and was advising him and giving him all kinds of tips to close the deal. Even though she was more prepared for this type of political dealings than him, she had been taught of war, no peace treatments, and good stuff like that. But she knew better the protocol than him, and together they were coming up with all kinds of solutions.

At first, Azula could tell Zuko had been kind of wary of involving her again in this political background, but he trusted she was able to tell him if it was just too much. She thanked that trust before he left and he smiled. She smiled back.

Behind those smiles she knew they both meant the same; Azula now kne for certain she didn't love Zuko, but she knew she wanted to and for now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you noticed it, but the title reflects chapter's 9. I feel like these two chapters are linked in some strange way.  
> Also, I made Sokka's eyes brown, because I can :))  
> (but rally, what do ATLA creators have against brown eyes? Like... ????)  
> I really woke up and was like, let's add a bit of ✨spice✨ and added Sukka  
> 


	15. Deception and perfection are wonderful traits; one will breed love, the other, hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When everything is life and death/ you may feel like there's nothing left. /Instead of love and trust and laughter what you get is happy never after./ But deep down all you want is love, the pure kind we all dream of. But we cannot escape the past”  
> -Homewrecker, MARINA  
> .  
> .  
> Azula and doctor Haku had a talk on her need to satisfy others and make her father proud. Later she finds herself wanting to train again. And while she doesn’t lose her flame, she doesn’t quite feel as it fits. She has a small breakdown because she failed a couple of times (I mean after a year of not training I guess it is normal)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW A BIT OF SELF-HARM. NOT TOO EXPLICIT, JUST A BROKEN BONE.  
> Hi!! It's been a while, hasn't it?? I want to share with you that as I was writing this chapter I started planning the next one, and the next one, and the next one... until I had already planned the whole fic, chapter per chapter, with summary and almost every chapter with its title. It was crazy! Cause I had always had this sketch to where I wanted to get in the fic, but not as detailed as in chapter per chapter.  
> Also, I started planning the following series!! All this cause I don't want to leave a huge cliffhanger at the end but anyway... we are approaching some juicy chapters!! I am so excited for what's coming next that I'll try to write them as soon as possible (and publish them as well, you know I cannot resist it).  
> Anyway, I hope you all had a nice beginning of the year and don't get down for how it started, it will get better soon :)  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77, feel free to message me any time!! (as you can see, I have a fucked up sleep schedule lol)  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend!!

“Azula, and what if I did think of you as a disappointment?”

Azula was taken back by doctor Haku’s question. It was weird for him to start the session with a question of his own, much less something as vague as this one. She didn’t like it at all and couldn’t help but to distrust it a bit. It was unclear enough for her to suspect of a trick or a hidden intention underneath; even though she had been starting to work on her trust issues old habits died hard.

“Where does the question come from?” she asked instead. If the doctor wanted to tell her he was disappointed in her he could just say it, she didn’t want him to bite his tongue, she could take it. But she didn’t see a reason for him to bring it up, they had been doing well. She hadn’t had any outburst in more than 6 sessions now, the last one she had had was on her birthday and it had passed a month and a half after that. Why would he be disappointed in her precisely now?

“Just something you asked a few weeks ago, remember? After your brother’s birthday, you started out session like that as well, asking me whether I was disappointed in you.” Oh, she had almost forgotten about that question on that day, three weeks had passed since after all and she had had bigger questions that day for her to remember specifically that.

“Yeah, I remember, but why are you bringing it back?” she asked. It still seemed weird and out of place, they were over that, it had already passed, why bring it back now?

“Because you left me thinking on that. What if you were? What if I was disappointed in you?” he asked back. Azula felt her heart pulse rise, she didn’t like these questions, she didn’t like where this was going. She recognized her own symptoms from past times, she wasn’t nervous, she was getting scared. She felt panic rising through her.

“Are you though?” she asked back. If he was, she’d be mad. She hadn’t done anything terrible lately, she would even have dared to say she had been doing not only well, but even good. And yet here he was, telling her he might be disappointed in her and keeping her in the dark in the why.

“No, but what if that was the case?” Why was he being so persistent in that? Why wouldn’t he let it go? Azula wanted nothing more but for him to be clear with her, whether he was disappointed in her or not, she no longer cared (or so she said), she just wanted a clear answer for once and for all.

“I don’t see the point in wondering imaginary scenarios if they are not real.” She answered back, her temper growing with each minute it passed by.

“But if they were, would it be such a bad case?” A simple yes or no would suffice for her by now, she wasn’t asking for much.

“But you are not!” And if he was it just wouldn’t be fair, she didn’t deserve for him to be disappointed in her.

“But if I were?”

“Why are you so determined to see me fail? Aren’t you supposed to be helping me? This is not helping at all!” she shouted. She couldn’t help it anymore, she had been holding on for as long as she could endure the pressure until it became too much and she eventually burst.

“I just want you to contemplate what failure means to you and how to manage it?” he answered, calm as if she had never lost her temper just right in front of him. It only made her angrier than what she already was.

“But why? Why must I fail? If you were disappointed in me right now you wouldn’t have a reason to! I’ve been doing good!”

The doctor seemed pleased with himself. . Azula could see the satisfaction in the doctor’s face and it only shook her to the core even more. Where in all her frustration and confusion had the doctor found pleasure in? wherein her confusion had he decided made him happy?

“And if you know that, isn’t that enough?” he asked her now. Calm as before and now happiness tinted too his voice. Azula just got tired of getting her questions answered back with other questions, much kore with one that lack of sense to her, so she asked;

“What do you mean?”

“Yes. Imagine I am disappointed in you, why would that mean you have failed if you know you have been doing good? If you know there’d be no logical reason for me to be disappointed, even if I was, wouldn’t that be enough for you?” The answer to his last question came too easily into the firebender’s mind.

“No”

“Why?” The doctor inquired.

“Why are you so insistent in this?”Azula asked. Had she not been this mad she would have confessed to him that she didn’t quite know the answer, but no, she was angry at him. Niceties and honesty could wait for another day. A day in which the doctor decided not to be a massive pain in the ass and torture her with riddles and weird questions.

“Because, Azula, sometimes we do the best we can, with the best intentions in the world and despite all that, sometimes people won’t notice that. People won't see it and in their eyes, you could be failing. But if you know in your heart you had the best intentions and you did your best, that should be enough for you to be in peace with yourself. You cannot control others' reactions the whole time, what if Zuko never fully forgives you, despite your development? Would it mean this was all meaningless? No, it is worth something, for you, and that’s enough. The recognition of others is not everything, sometimes, you have to make yours enough.”

Azula heard the words bounce in her head with such strength she delt her own skill might break. Or at least it’d give her a headache. She had always had someone to answer to, someone who would either call her out or reward her for her acts. Never had she ever acted under completely free will, under her own beliefs. So she had always someone to prove her worth to, to make proud. She had never even phantom the idea of doing something to only make herself proud, of only gaining her own satisfaction of getting something done.

No, that was for meaningless people, people with no purpose. People who had nothing to prove, who were no good and could not prove their worth. People who were not good enough. Not her. She was skilled and smart, and accurate. She was a master firebender before she turned fifteen, younger than any other person before, not even her father, her grandfather, screw that, not even the legendary Sozin had accomplished what she had. And her blue fire was prove of that. There had been the last time it had been seen? 270 years ago, she knew that cause she had researched and it was her father’s pride. In almost three centuries blue fire had not been seen, and it hadn't been definitely seen accompanied by lightning. Azula was great, she had greatness thrust upon her since the moment she was born. Her name proved of that, wasn’t it?

Her name had always been there to remind her that greatness ran through her veins. It was expected from her, from Great Firelord Azulons granddaughter. It was her duty to fulfill, it was her place to take. No, Azula had never thought it possible for her to be satisfied by and for herself when she had always had people upon her to please, to obey. She had never had the luxury of screwing things up and finding satisfaction in herself for she knew one mistake could mean her fall.

At least that what she had believed all her life, what other could she had? And yet here she was hearing there was another way to be around.

“I-” she started answering. Honesty, she had been learning, came along with a feeling much like pain nowadays. “I am listening to what you are saying, but I am not going to pretend it makes sense or that I fully understand it.”

“I didn’t expect you to understand it right away. Just give it a thought now and then, alright? After all, you have lived all your life in this space in which the only indicator you have done well as other’s praise. I don’t expect you to unlearnt it from one day to another, but at least to comprehend that there are other ways. We can call the session off for now, unless there is something else you’d like to talk about?”

Azula was shaken back. Hearing that for once, she could be enough for herself, felt as cold as fire could.

“Yes, I’d like it if that was all for today.” It was too much, she didn’t say. “I need some time alone.”

The doctor nodded. Azula stood up and, with nothing more to be said, left.

.

.

When Azula got back in her room her blank white wall seemed to contain all the answers and none at the same time. Whether it did or not, Azula could not take her eyes off it, her whole body felt paralyzed and she couldn’t feel anything at all, all she could seem to do was stare at a stupid blank white wall. Doctor Haku’s words seemed to be as trapped as her in her own head, pounding like her sight in the wall, sinking like the sweat against her forehead, growing as the steadiness of her breath.

She tried to grasp it with both her hands, the new idea it had been presented to her. She wanted to see it grown, fully developed. She wanted for her to be able to climb it, claim it, but she couldn’t even phantom its growth. She couldn’t even see herself nurturing the seed of it, how could she? It needs space to expand, space to develop, space she didn’t have in her mind nor in her heart, space that was currently being occupied by her old mindset. It had been growing there, setting roots for more than fourteen years.

A part from her, the part that was rooted inside her for so long, told her it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. And yet she wanted to believe. She wanted to believe in it so bad; she wanted to believe it, feel it, preach it, _live it_. How would it be? To know there is no one who would punish her for not delivering? No one to de disappointed in her but herself?

On the other hand, she didn’t miss considering, that would mean that no one would be there to congratulate her neither. No one would praise and cheer for her victories. There would be no one to make proud anymore. Could she really want that? Could she really live like that? Could she ever be satisfied if the only person proud of her was, well, herself?

She knew she didn’t have the answer to that. But lately, she had been making peace with not fully knowing or understanding things. Nevertheless, she wanted to try something small. There had been a time, closer than she would enjoy admitting, in which she had been scared that her fire had abandoned completely after her defeat in the Agni Kai as if somehow she wasn’t worthy of it. She had discovered she still had it in her in a way she wasn’t proud of, by expressing her anger through it and burning things to the ground. But it was different now, she didn’t want to bring up her fire to express anger or pain, she just wanted to bring it up because of her.

She opened the palm of her right hand in front of her. The feeling that embraced her had never changed, heat embraced her core and dispersed through her limbs. She could vizualñite it spreading through her veins into her arms, every centimeter of her arm heating up until it reached the center of her hand where it began concentrating. As the heat began to accumulate in the palm, an electrifying feeling ran through her as a blue flicker of fire appeared in her palm.

It was blue as she knew her fire was, but the tips of it were dipped in an orange-golden like color. She closed her hand into a fist around it. Her fire was blue, pure blue, not blue with golden tips. She tried it one more time, but she got the same result. The flame’s reflection stayed in her eyes even after having extinguished them long ago.

She tried to breathe one, two, three times and she stood up. The performance of her stances and katas was something she could always rely on, and something that would bring back her the color of her fire. Despite not having performed them for over a year the movements came naturally to her, they had been deep engraved into her mind once upon a time and she knew it was the one knowing it would never leave her. She focused on the movements, on her legs and arms being perfectly coordinated and on time. Her hands doing the movements they required and her feet rooting her to the ground.

But it was not the same as it had been almost a year ago. Or even two, Agni even her past self from three years ago would have performed a better kata than what she was doing. It was messy, out of balance and tempo, her breathing out of sync and her focus broken trying to fix every small detail. She knew that if someone watched her perform they wouldn’t notice a defect in her, she knew that even now she could perform it better than her brother. It was good, _almost_ perfect. But almost is not good enough. Not for her, not for those who expected perfection from her. Being the best fire bender in the whole nation and, even if Ozai would have hated admitting it out loud, her whole lineage, wasn’t an easy title to carry, and it became even more difficult among four white walls of a hospital.

She breather, in, out, in, out, what would her father say if he could see her now? In, out, would Zuko think of her as weak because of that? In, out… no wonder her fire wasn’t answering to her, she wasn’t worthy of it. In, out, in, out, in…

What reminded her to breathe back to normal again was the infiltrating pace that flourished from her right hand. She didn’t realize what had happened until it was a bit too late for her. The flames of her hand had been successfully extinguished and would have been as much success without the need to try to punch a hole into the wall in front of her. Had Azula been more in the moment she would have heard her own bones crack against the impact and she wouldn’t have to be wondering right now whether her hand was broken or not. Dust of concrete fell to the ground at the same time as she did. A small scream of pain died in her throat and she turned her body, back facing the wall, and let herself slide through it till she reached the floor. 

Azula had had her fair share of accidents in her life, firebending training came with no ease after all. But she had never broken a bone, her major injure might have been an ankle sprain or something minor like that, getting injured was not in her perfection agenda (or in her father’s good view) so she avoided it as much as she could. Never had she ever deliberately injured herself much less by something as reckless and dumb as punching a wall could be.

She held her most-probably-broken hand, which already looked swollen and it was turning from red to purple. She tried to avoid the pain rise through her throat into her eyes and condensing into tears or a grown of pain, if she had been strong enough to do this to herself she must be good enough to take the consequences without crying as well.

She heard footsteps running through the hall and reaching her room, a knock never came and the nurse simply opened her door as she stared at her in awe. Azula’s glance meets the nurse’s, there had been a time when she would have been proud of the fear she found in her eyes, now she was just sad. She didn’t say anything, maybe too scared to do so, so Azula took the lead.

“Could you call doctor Haku, please?” she asked. She would have liked to say her voice neer broke and it definitely didn’t show the pain she was in, but it’d be a lie. And Azula was growing tired of lies in her mouth.

.

.

It wasn't weird for the doctor to receive last minutes calls from his patients, which normally ended in the extension of his shift, he didn’t mind. He was happy helping his patients and didn’t mind a couple of extra minutes if he could bring any help in those. What was weird was Azula calling out for him. He knew today's session had been rough, had been a big blow for her to take in, but she didn’t seem as shaken back as other times, it hadn't ended in shouts and storming outs, she had ended it calmly. Besides when something major had happened to her times before, a nurse called for him to calm her down or she came back to him after a few days. She had never asked for his presence before, which worried him loads.

He sprinted to her room, trying not to picture the worst-case scenario. More than a year had he been studying Azula and yet he still felt far from anticipating her actions. When he arrived to her room he found the door open and a small dying sound coming from inside which he identified and muffled sobs. He steped inside the room. The teenager sat alone and small hugging her knees. Or at least that what he thought at first glance, when he observed more in detail he could recognize that, while her arms were surrounding her legs both of them were not hugging them, in fact, she was holding her right arm with her left, specifically the first which presented an awful purple tint. 

He had asked for any damage; they said the room was intact it was just that hole in the wall. Now he got mad, he had meant on her as well. They hadn’t told him she was hurt. Azula meant a lot to him, a room? Not so much, he could arrange things and get another one, but the damage on her was no so easy to fix. He looked around, he didn’t know what to make of the scene in front of him, but he knew what he could do to figure it out. He sat in front of her only after she didn’t show signs of discomfort or not wanting him to.

“Azula, how are you?” he asked. The young firebender’s glance stopped being lost in the font wall and looked at him instead. Doctor Haku could see some tears dry in her cheeks and her eyes still teary.

“I am sad.” She answered and made a brief pause. It seemed as if even she was surprised by the ease the answer got to her or her instant honesty. “I’m sorry for calling on you, I know you said your shift ended soon. It’s just that, I am really sad.” She said.

Doctor Haku knew firsthand it still was such a big deal for Azula to own up for her actions and apologize, it was something they were still working on. Empathy and apologies. She still didn’t apologize for every bad decision or action she had taken, but she had given (big) baby steps. She apologized sometimes for screaming and storming out of their sessions. She never apologized in a short time though, she always took her time to come back and show regret. But Azula didn’t need to apologize right now, he had always told her she could reach to him anytime and he wasn’t one to back down on his promises. So her apologizing now and in so short time was… quite unique.

“Is that why you punched the wall?” he calmly asked

“Well, kind of.” Good, at least she was aware of what she had done and her motives, almost. “I was frustrated and mad at myself. I guess I still am, but now I am more sad than anything else” she confessed. Her breathing was calmed, she had stopped sobbing when he entered the room.

“Why?” he asked back

“Because I cannot bring my fire to life,” she said as she summoned a blue flame that danced in the palm of her hand.

You see, Doctor Haku was no firebender himself, but he had worked with firebender for far too long. Especially soldiers who came back from the war, he had dealt with people like Azula before; people who thought that losing a battle would be the end of their world and he knew of cases like that, of firebenders who just couldn't bring their fire to life anymore and spent the rest of their lives trying to gain their purpose back along with their fire. Fire, he had learned, came from one’s inside. And it could never be fully extinguished, just lost inside. He had heard a few years ago, that the Fire Prince hadn’t lost his inner fire when he had been banished, a truly amazing achievement, in his mind. Other men had lost their fire for less than losing an Agni Kai against the Fire Lord himself. Rumor said it had been the dragon of the west who hadn't let the young prince lost his fire. But seeing Azula right now he guessed such theory wrong. He believed that Fire came with one’s purpose in life, came hand in hand with whatever gave the person’s life _meaning_. The banished prince had had a purpose, an impossible mission, yes, but a purpose nevertheless.

Doctor Haku realized the aggravation of his mistake. He knew that Azula had a rooted feeling with being her father’s pride, but he didn’t know it got so deep as for her thinking that _that_ was her sole purpose in life. Of course that a loss of her fire could come as a natural response.

But her fire still played there, in from of her and him. He had heard the rumors, about the Fire princess being the most powerful firebender seen in ages, he had even heard the whispers under tables that she was even stronger than the Firelord himself, at the young age of 14!! It seemed hard to believe, after all, Firelord Ozai’s image depended on his power, on his strength, it depends on it so much it was hard to believe a fourteen-year-old could be stronger than him.

And yet here she was in front of him with a broken hand and a blue flame on her other palm. The doctor had never seen anything like this, and he had dealt with many firebenders as stated earlier. Her flame was blue, pure blue and it gave off a dim white blu-ish light. It was beautiful. The doctor didn’t understand what she meant when she said she couldn’t bring it to life when his eyes were witnessing the most beautiful thing they had ever seen.

“It looks fine to me” he answered, still a bit awed.

“Yeah, it's fine, but it is not good enough. My fire used to be better than that. I used to be better than that now I’m just… mediocre.” She answered and he couldn’t imagine something better than what he was seeing right now.

“Azula, I have worked with firebenders before and never seen something as powerful as your blue flame.”

“So what? Because other firebender cannot do it means I have to settle for a mediocre fire? It is not my fault they cannot be good enough; I want to be better.”

“I am not asking you to settle. What makes you say they are not good enough?” he asked. That part had really been highlighted in her speech and he wanted to know exactly why.

“Well cause their flame is not quite as mine is it? They could still strive for improvement.” She answered a bit annoyed.

“But what if they are satisfied with an orange one?”

“Then their idiots. Who would settle when there’s more?”

“But that’s not for you to say, for anyone really. It's okay if you want to be better but because you want to. It's okay not to settle and reach for more, but it is also okay to settle down and be satisfied with what you have. That is for you to decide.”

Azula stayed quiet for a while, she was going to answer but she moved a bit too spontaneous for her broken hand to take and she yelped in pain as she held her again. Doctor Haku approached forward and took her broken hand in his, carefully not to induce more harm. He examined it for a while and,

“It is okay to want more, Azula. And it is okay to feel frustrated when things don’t go down the way we wished, but you shouldn’t punish yourself for it. You are just making it harder on your self and it leads nowhere, only to pain. Be patient with you Azula, together we can make it better, alright?”

“My hand or my fire?” she asked. At least she was taking in the information and not instantaneity denying it, that was a nice step forward.

“Both, if that’s what you want.” He answered. And he meant that. He would help her gain her fire back if that’s what she wanted.

“I… I think I would like to try that, yes.” She answered back, with tears in her eyes which he could almost be sure weren’t from pain or anger or sadness anymore.

“Okay, now let's go to the nursery so they can take care of your hand.” He said. Both of them stood up and the doctor guided the way to the other room.

“I thought you were a doctor?” Azula inquired along the way.

“Not one who deals with broken bones, no.”

“It’s okay.”

And, even though it still didn't feel quite like it, it felts as if it would be. Soon.


	16. And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I have a lot of regrets about that.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next Tuesday after Azula’s incident arrives. Zuko tells his uncle about his development in his and Azula’s relationship and asks him to come and see it from himself, so he brings his uncle along with him the next time. Things go downhill from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : (Should I warn that there are a few curse words?)  
> Hi!! Me again. I had to upload this now cause I cant wait to start working on the next few chapters. This, this right here leads us to so many things. I hope you can see where it is going as well as me (I wasn't even trying to be subtle, sorry).   
> Also, notice that I added a tag that this is going to be the slowest of slowburns ever to be, there are still so many things waiting to happen that you cannot even imagine!! With no further adue, the chapter.  
> Also this chapter is 100% to Rose. Rose, I appreciate you so much, thanks for always being there for me and read me.   
> If you haven’t read her yet I beg you to do so. She is so smart and talented and is always so nice to me!! (@LesbeanLatte)

Zuko felt almost giddy with excitement, he had finally convinced his uncle to come and see Azula’s progress with his own eyes. He had intended to ask many times before but never felt quite sure until now. His lasts visits had left him not dull and empty as the first ones had, he had felt almost peaceful and calmed. And now he was grateful he hadn’t asked before because it may have ended in disaster, but now? Now Zuko was more confident in his sister’s progress than ever.

Besides he felt proud of himself too; he had been the only one who had actually believed his sister could improve and change for the better. It was understandable, after all. The Gaang had suffered first hand from her cruelty, Mai and Ty Lee hadn’t been far from her games and manipulations even his uncle had been subject once from her lightning (he had been too, in fact, he would dare to say that he was the closest to her bad side for such a long time. He guessed it was only fair for him to be the closest in her good side as well.).

When he had told his uncle about his visits to Azula, in one of his visits to Ba Sing Se as Lee more than as Fire lord Zuko, he had been skeptical, to say the least. He had strongly recommended against them. Zuko tried to understand his point, he really did. His uncle had been there for him every step of the way and knew how affected Azula could get him. Nevertheless, he followed his heart in this choice. He found later that as ruler of the Fire Nation he would have to do that a lot more.

He tried to be sympathetic with his uncle, he could see where his uncle was coming from, he was Ozai’s older brother, after all. It took everything in his power to convince himself that they weren’t their uncle and their father. That only because his uncle had lost his younger sibling in the path of evil and cruelty didn’t mean there was no hope for them at all. Needless to say, Zuko was more than grateful and happy for how it all had played. His decisions had decided to prosper, hope was not lost for his sister and for their relationship as siblings. Zuko had taken a bet against all odds and succeeded.

So forgive him for being so excited about this, about her development, but if you had told Zuko a year ago then he and Azula would be able to have conversations that didn’t end in shouts or insults from neither part, he would have laughed. It seemed only so far away then that it was impossible not to be excited for how near that reality laid nowadays.

And his enthusiasm was just so, he had to tell his uncle about it. It wasn’t as if Zuko wanted to show off in the face of everyone who didn’t believe him, it wasn’t like that. It was just… he was so proud. Of both himself and his sister, they both had been had a rough life, but it seemed as if it was finally getting better. He was proud for having taken that chance with her, such a leap of faith. And he was proud of how far she had come. Zuko doing something well usually meant that Azula wasn’t and vice versa. The win of one of them meant the downfall of the other, it had been like that for so long it had appeared as if the cycle would be impossible to break. But they had broken it, hadn’t they? It had all ended with the Agni Kai, that had been their lowest, Zuko could see it now. That may have been the last time one had to lose for the other to win, now they both could be happy. Both were finally, somewhat, somehow, free.

His uncle had agreed to visit her with him, so he had taken a ship from Ba Sing Se and stayed in the palace for the weekend. If Zuko was being honest he was so glad his uncle was here with him again. There were so many things he didn’t quite know how to do; he had been banished with only two years of knowledge of politics and treaties. He and Azula had begun taken them at the same time Ozai had risen to the power and taken the throne. Of course, before that they didn’t quite need it, they were fourth and fifth in the line to the throne until from one day to another they had become first and second in line. Besides, Azula had taken her politics classes for far longer than him for he had been banished and with little hope to return, he had almost forgotten them. So, having his uncle with him felt like a huge relief.

He knew he could always count on his uncle, but as he took his distance from the Fire Nation royalty and politics, Zuko felt the need not to overwhelm him writing letters every day for his lack of knowledge. He had not been educated to rule, not as Azula had. Even if most of such education consisted of war strategies and how to exploit and conquer others and that wasn’t the legacy wanted for his reign, at least he would have been able to rescue some useful aspects of such education, like how to negotiate, or how to redact a treaty or how to phrase a fucking formal letter. He couldn’t deny that his uncle's visit brought some relief into his life.

Although, recently he had been starting to have Azula by his side too. It had started as something small for he almost always used to rant about boring palace stuff and most times he ended up complaining about it; that had been back then when she wouldn’t even acknowledge him. Even before their mutual understanding that neither of them loved each other quite but were willing to try, Azula had been more interested in being involved in his life, and after that afternoon her wish for it was even more. So now, Zuko knew he could come up sometimes to Azula too, he knew sometimes it hurt her not to be actively doing things, but she could manage to help from here. He also didn’t want to overwhelm her or for her to lose focus on her progress to go back into Fire Nation Politics, but he did want to make her feel included. There was a fine line there, Zuko knew, a fine line he consciously tried not to blur nor cross. It was hard but worth it.

He didn’t tell that to his uncle though. He felt that if he did his uncle would approve, he’d only told Sokka about it, well… more like Sokka figured it out. Sokka had him so figured out, it seemed that even if he wanted to hide something from him, he wouldn’t be able to. Not that he wanted to. And he hadn’t precisely hidden the fact that it had been Azula who had come up with the negotiation terms with the west colonies.

_“So? What do you think about it?” Zuko asked, waiting for his friend to vocalize his opinion on the treaty in front of him. Zuko had written it, at least, but it was mostly Azula´s ideas and phrasing. Agni help him he didn’t know much about formal phrasing it wasn’t like he wrote a lot of letters overseas and he never expected to come home at such young age to take the leadership right away. Even if he had returned at 16, he would have had more time to prepare, more time to grow into the role. No wonder why it consumed him now._

_“You wrote this?” Sokka asked him, raising a brow. Zuko felt the blood rushing to his cheeks, had it been anyone else he at least could have pretended to be offended for someone questioning him that, but it was Sokka. Sokka, who knew better than anyone his struggles, Sokka, who had helped him in some of his rough nights and reassured him as a leader, Sokka, who knew him better than anyone around. He wasn’t offended at all that the water tribe boy questioned him on that._

_“Well…” he started. He had written it with his hand and all, while his sister dictated him of course. “Kind of.” He confessed._

_“I wrote it, but Azula helped me in redacting it. Why? Is it too bad?”_

_He knew he could trust Sokka on such matters, after all he was receiving education on his own to be chief one day. And he had told Zuko that he had been putting special attention in writing discourses and letters since an embarrassing moment that had occurred to him the day of the black sun that Zuko hadn’t been able yet to know._

_“It sounds really good, as a matter of fact. Very eloquent” he answered. Zuko smiled, at least he had not criticized Zuko for taking Azula in kind or for coming at her for help._

_“Yeah, that’s Azula” he answered, without any bitterness at all._

_“I can see. Are you sure it’s a good idea to ask her for help? How have your visits been going?”_

_Zuko didn’t answer immediately. On his last visit, both had told each other they didn’t quite love each other but had clarified that it was rather for the lack of knowledge more than lack of will. And it had been good. Zuko had taken too much time to figure out his father's lack of love towards him, he knew the process wasn’t an easy one. So Azula telling him she didn’t love him because she only felt the bare minimum towards him felt like a huge step. Not that he could say that out loud to anyone without it sounding absolutely disastrous. He knew that for an outsider to his father’s ways it would sound too weird. But this was not anyone, this was Sokka. Sokka could understand better._

_“They’ve gone well. Very well in fact. Last time Azula and I ended up in understanding terms. We both realized we didn’t love each other quite.”_

_“Wait, I’m lost. How is that a good thing?”_

_“Well, I don’t know how much of this applies to her, but I used to think that love was what our father gave us. He didn’t hate us.” He paused. “She also mentioned that she didn’t want to hurt me or watch me get hurt. That’s how she understood love. So, she told me that that seemed too little to claim love for someone. And while she doesn’t hate or wants to hurt me, she thinks love is more than just that but didn’t know what more.”_

_Sokka looked at him with those expressive brown eyes. One thing Zuko loved from Sokka is that no matter what fucked up story he told him: his eyes never shown something quite as pity towards him. Aang and Katara tended to do that a lot, and while Zuko was thankful for their friendship, he rejected their pity. He knew that what had happened to him had been wrong, but he didn’t want to become a martyr to it. He had given up too much to and for his dad, he wouldn’t give up his past. If anything, he wanted to grow from it, to overcome it without feeling sorry for it. And Sokka understood that, however, that didn’t mean his friend didn’t get mad at his now-imprisoned father for what he put them through. Zuko understood Sokka too much as well._

_“I swear Zuko if it weren’t because you don’t want me to, I would have already gone down there and shown that man a lesson. How dared he make you believe that?”_

_“I know, that’s why Azula realizing it means so much to me. She’s finally realizing our father was not the best person in the world. Besides, she really seems to have an interest in my life, like a good one. She wants to help me out with these things, and while I don’t overwhelm her, I don’t see why not.”_

_“It’s your call, Fire Lord. But if you asked me, it is not such a bad idea. I’m really proud of you, my friend.” Was the last Sokka had said in the matter before pushing Zuko into his tight embrace. In the whole year that had passed since the two met each other for the first time Sokka had grown a bit taller, he was the same height as Zuko now, who had grown as well. Zuko returned the hug and let his forehead rest on his friends’ shoulder and tried not to think how much he’d miss him when he, eventually, left again. Instead, he tried to capture this moment forever in his mind, to burn it with fire within._

“You ready, nephew?” his uncle asked, taking him out of the memory he so vividly remembered.

“Sure uncle. Let’s go.” He said as the chariot started moving. One of the first things Zuko got rid of as Fire Lord were those carriages being lifted by men, he had never felt quite comfortable in them. Instead, chariots pulled by ostrich-horses had been introduced.

The mental hospital was far from the capital, they reached the place within 45 minutes passed by. Zuko got off first and helped his uncle down. He marched down the door. Despite being the Fire Lord and always being offered special treatment for being so, he tried his best always to reject it. He didn’t want to be someone people respected out of fear or someone whom people thought deserved to be treated above the law and everyone else. So, he followed protocol as required. The only rule from the hospital he had been made to break was the weapons one, his guards insisted the Fire Lord needed protection at all costs. In the beginning, Zuko had been very much against it, but with two assassination attempts in his bag for in the last seven months well, he understood the need for guards.

The hospital staff had already become familiar with him. He was one of the people who frequented most of this place, they had told him. He felt proud and a bit sad at the same time, nevertheless, they continue according to protocol with his uncle, making him sign a couple of things and state his relationship with the patient.

The walk to Azula’s room was the same as he remembered. Zuko was a bit excited, he notices as his hand shook in advance to open the door. Azula’s room is just as he remembered it, except for a small detail in the wall, it seemed like a punch…

“Oh! Zuko! You’ve arrived, you sure took your time. Anyway, I wanted to tell you about- What is _he_ doing here?” Azula asked as she crossed her arms in front of her.

“It’s nice to see you too, Azula” his uncle answered her with no malice in it.

“Don’t talk to me. Zuko what is he doing here?” she answered. Zuko’s previous excitement was quickly transforming into nerves and actual stress. Was it so hard for his sister to behave for once?

“Hey, Azula. Well, I brought Uncle just to talk.” He answered, trying to hide the fact that his patience was about to blow up.

“I have nothing to say to him. You can leave.” She snapped. Agni, she hadn’t been so stubborn or mean since for a while now and it was quite unfair that the one time, he wanted to show her progress off, and she was being a huge dick about it.

“Azula, Zuko has been telling me a lot about your progress. He says you’ve come a long way.” Zuko, Zuko had really thought that that was a nice thing to say, that if it had been anyone but his sister, they would have felt proud or at least something nice. But it was his sister he was talking about. His sister, the one who acted the most unexpected ad the most expecting times. Of-fucking-course only she would take that as an offense and a personal challenge to make this even worse.

“Really? Did Zuzu said that?” She began, Zuko could already see the whole ship sinking down. “Has he been saying all those nice things about me? Did he also mention how they had to change me into another room because I destroyed the last one? Or that I still think a fucking loser like him doesn’t deserve to be on the throne when he was the one who lost the Agni Kai? Seriously Uncle, what were you thinking when you left him in charge? Zuzu dear cannot even write a letter to save his own life.” Now, Azula being her unbearable-little-sister self he could take. But this wasn’t it. She knew how to taunt him and push his buttons without hurting him. This wasn’t it. This was just her aiming to kill, this was just her being mean and cruel for the sake of it. And Zuko was so done with it.

“Enough! What’s wrong with you? I brought our uncle to show off your development and you are literally being the worst. You were not like this a week ago Azula, what the fuck?” he snapped. There was only so much he could take. His and Azula’s glances met and he could recognize a fire in both that hadn’t been there for a while and if he had been thinking he would have sand back right there. He knew it wasn’t wise to face his sister and get in an actual fight with her, but Zuko was just seeing red and clearly not thinking straight. Backing down wasn’t even in his reach.

“I think it is better if we just go, Zuko. There’s no point in being here and it is doing your sister no good.” He heard his uncle say. After three years of his uncle looking after him, he had learned to listen to him, even in his worst states, he always listened to his uncle. Now more than ever. He knew his suggestion was wise, yet he couldn’t stop looking at Azula who, from her part, wouldn’t stop challenging him with her eyes. He heard his uncle leave the room, knowing that Zuko eventually would follow him out as well.

“Go ahead. Leave. I fucking dare you.” Azula hissed. Agni it was pathetic how to build up his sister could get him.

“Why are you like this? Uncle is one of the few family we have left that actually cares for us and you are being such a pain” he said, trying to establish a dialog and be the bigger person not for the first time, and he didn’t think for the last time either.

“TO YOU ZUKO! Don’t you understand? Not everything is like you lived it! Just because uncle was good to you doesn’t mean I lived through the same thing! You are doing the same thing you do with mom!” she screamed at him. Even if none of them had ever said it out loud, their mother was a line that none of them crossed, it was _the_ line. And Azula was crossing it as if it were no big deal. Agni this seemed to be ending on fire.

“You put her out of this. She has nothing to do-” he started, only to be cut off midsentence.

“Oh, but it does! You are always putting her up a pedestal and being all like “Mom was so nice to us. Uncle loves us.” Well, I have news for you; They. Didn’t. Love. Me.” She said as she paused between words for them to really sink in. “as they did to you!!! _Your_ uncle is not the same as mine! And I don’t owe him shit; he wasn’t nice with me; he wasn’t all lovey-goody with me!! Mom, Him, our father, those are just who had left me behind! And quite frankly, it's so hypocritical for you to take this posture. Do you find me saying nowadays that our father was a good, caring loving father just because he didn’t burn half my face off?!”

Silence invaded the room as soon as Azula had ended saying that. She opened her eyes in the realization of what she had just said. As if the whole speech hadn’t hurt enough before, she had brought their father into the table. His mom, his uncle, and his dad use against him in one single conversation, which was a new level of cruel, even from her.

“I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to say that, I…” she started, with a shaking voice. Zuko had never seen regret so portrayed in his sister's face.

“I think it's better if I go.” Was all that he could bring himself to say.

She didn’t answer anything to it. Maybe not wanting to impose more damage than what it had already been done. Anyway, Zuko left the room. Once out he left out a breath he hadn’t noticed until now he had been holding. His uncle patted him in the shoulder and didn’t say anything else afterward, which Zuko silently thanked, he knew he wouldn’t be able to find it in himself to defend his sister now.

.

.

“Dear Zuko

I would like it if you could come to visit me before next Tuesday. I am sorry for what I said I was mad, and my feelings got the worst of me. I didn’t mean it. Anyway, I think you deserve a bit more than a lame written apology, so please come so I can do it face to face.

your sister, Azula" 

Azula stared at the letter that laid beneath her hand, it did seem quite lame if you asked her. But she didn’t know what else she could say, hell she didn’t even know what she would say to Zuko once she was face to face with him. She had known she had taken it way too far and once her anger had died, she had time to thought about what had happened and really regret it.

Doctor Haku had asked her what had happened after Zuko left, Azula had told him but she had asked him to let her figure that on her own and so she did. She found the reason for her anger; she hated her uncle and she hadn’t wished to see him anytime soon, no matter how much Zuko had bragged about her to him. That was another thing that sank until it was too late, Zuko had bragged about her, he had been telling uncle how proud he was of her and what had she done? Prove him wrong. Later she had been able to figure where her actions at that moment had come from; she didn’t want to be vulnerable and open in front of her uncle. In front of anyone really, but it was hard denying that to doctor Haku or her brother. Other than that, she couldn’t really picture laying herself open and exposed for others, especially not for those who had left her behind.

It wasn’t as if her uncle was a bad man per se, and that why she hated him even more. It would be so much easier to pretend he was mean and evil with everyone, that way his treatment of her wouldn’t be so out of place. But he wasn’t, and it was. He, as their mother had done, looked at Zuko’s ~~weakness~~ empathy, and good feelings, and rewarded him with love, contrary to what their father did. Zuko had had love because he wasn’t a monster like her, and she had had her father. And she would have liked to say she was satisfied as it was, she didn’t need Zuko’s soft love around her, but it wasn’t true. How long had she longed for her mother to love her the way she had with Zuko? Or his uncle, who clearly did an effort into knowing what Zuko wanted and liked and gave him thoughtful gifts. Just because she was tougher than her brother hadn’t meant she didn’t need love as well.

But that didn’t bother Azula as much as when he left her behind. He could have taken her too, couldn’t he? With Zuko. Had people really thought she wanted her brother gone? There had been a time she was proud of her act fooling even clever people like her uncle. Worst even, she couldn’t help but think how different it would have been if he had stayed behind for her. would he had been able to stop the long and torturous hours of lessons her father made her endure? Would he had been able to bring actual love into her life, as he had done with her brother? Had he even thought with who he was leaving her behind? If he hadn’t given a damn about her then why should she now?

Still, Zuko hadn’t deserved that side from her again. She could have calmly explained her problem with her uncle or simply tell him he didn’t want him there and remained calm. But no, despite not being able to summon her fire, she could feel it inside of her and sometimes it got out of control and she exploded. She really needed to work on that if she really wanted to keep her relationship with her brother down the good path they had been going until two days. 

“Hey” a voice she didn’t expect to hear took her out from her thoughts. She was very confused, what on Agni’s name was Zuko doing here?

“You’re back” was all that she managed to say back. A surprising feeling still stocking her.

“Yeah” he answered as if he was in disbelief to find himself there as well. Azula patted the empty space in her bed next to her, the siblings had found out it came easier for them to heartfeltly talk when they were at each other sides rather than face to face. Zuko took the spot next to her and sit down, the mattress inked down with the newly added weight. 

“Listen Azula I wanted to apologize” Zuko started and the same time Azula had begun saying.

“Zuko I am so sorry for- Apologize for what?” she interrupted herself as soon as she had heard what her brother was saying to her.

“Bringing uncle.” This conversation was getting weirder and weirder each second it passed.

“Oh.” she hadn’t considered Zuko apologizing for _that_. It was welcomed and appreciated, but unexpected.

“I messed up, and I am sorry for it. You’re right, I never considered how you felt about him and just acted upon my own experience. I should have asked beforehand and you had all the right to be mad at me. I’m sorry.” Zuko ended. She hadn’t thought he had paid attention to what she was saying while they were screaming at each other.

“Yeah, well… thanks. It means a lot.” She confessed. Honesty came easy with her brother, for both good and bad. “I am also very sorry, I let my feelings and my anger take charge of me again and said some horrible things. I am truly sorry, Zuko. I didn’t mean what I said.” She apologized.

“I know, but you were right. Just because they were good to me or to you doesn’t mean they were good to you. I should really work on listening to you and your experience, right?” he said. Zuko’s words, while comforting and nice, felt a bit out of character from him. Azula then realized where it was all coming from.

“You just got off therapy, didn’t you?” she asked. She knew her brother had been going too to therapy all along and she had wondered whether he talked of her with his doctor, today only confirmed her suspicions.

“How did you-?”

“I always seem to have that kind of epiphanies afterward, just that mines tend to end up more in destroying my room or something liked that. Anyways, its nice that you’re apologizing.” He smiled. Azula knew beforehand it felt nice for other people to acknowledge your efforts, so she tried to give a bit of that feeling back to Zuko too.

At the peak of the moment, she forgot to hide his wound from him and Zuko had failed to notice before.

“Azula, what happened to your hand?” Worry covered her brother’s voice.

“It’s… nothing. Just an accident, really, don’t worry.” She tried to make Zuko drop the subject off. It didn’t work

“Azula.” He said, firmness in his voice.

“Ugh, fine. On my last session with doctor Haku I had quite a… revelation, let’s call it. The point is that I was trying to fire bend again. I haven’t done it quite consciously since… well since that day.” She said. It was one of the few times, if not the first, the subject came explicitly among them and Azula isn’t wanting to tense the situation further than it already was. “But my fire… is lost Zuko. I lost it. I cannot summon it like before, it’s as if I’m lost. Anyway, I tried to bend and got mad when I didn’t quite reach my own standards and that happened.”

“You punched a wall?” he intrigued. Azula could feel the judgment across his voice and in his eyes. Honestly, Zuko had no room to talk, he was just as impulsive and dramatic as her if not more.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that, Zuzu. But yes, I punched the wall and broke my hand.”

“You can’t summon any of it? Not even a small flame?” he inquired. At least he was focusing on the real problem and not the stupid wall as some nurses had.

“Don’t think that little of me either, brother. I can manage this, but it's not quite it is it? Look at it! It’s almost orange!” she said as she brought her fire to life in her left hand. It looked even worse than what it had on the weekend, the orange color had spread furthermore and the only remark it had bee once fully blue was the tips of it. Azula breathed and tried no to break again then and there.

“Hey, don’t discriminate orange fire!” Zuko said. If it hadn’t been for his joking tone Azula would have been preoccupied she had offended him, but histone indicated she hadn’t. She was grateful, she couldn’t have dealt with an offended brother at the time.

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean anything to it. Doctor Haku told me I should judge anyone else of their decisions. Are you satisfied with your own fire, Zuko?” she asked. She knew that once upon a time he had been so proud of her, back when her fire and envy hadn’t yet been planted in his heart by their father. Now she isn’t so sure what would he think of her fire.

“Yes, I am.”

“How?”

“Well, I’ll tell you something; I can understand what you’re going through.” Azula’s scoff interrupted him. How could he possibly understand what she was going through?

“Yeah sure.” she sarcastically answered.

“No, really! I’ve been through the same situation;” Zuko began to explain “when I left, after the day of the Black Sun, I came to Aang wanting to be his teacher but my fire wasn’t quite it… it was as if it lacked from fuel and in some way, I guess it did. All my life I had been under the sole purpose of pleasing dad and making him proud, I guess that my fire was linked to it somehow. So, when I left, I lost my purpose, I lost my spark.”

“How did you win it back?” Azula asked now that the story had caught up her attention. Maybe Zuko did know a thing or two about how she felt.

“Me and Aang took a journey trying to find the original masters of the element. We found someone who could teach us the real meaning of it and ever since my fire hasn’t been the same. Not only did I recovered it, but it changed too.” Azula only nodded. She had never said it, but she had noticed a change in her brother’s fire the last times they had engaged in combat. It had felt somewhat… warmer. It was weird, how they were firebender and yet she had never felt warm in a fire before. She only knew the sweltering heat, abrasive, abusive. Zuko’s fire was almost home-like.

“Yeah, I think I kind of noticed the change.” She murmured between her teeth. It’s not like she was jealous of her brother’s fire, she was fine with her won. But it would be a nice change to feel warmth instead of the violence hers emanated.

“Do you think those masters could help me as well?” she asked, taking the chance to change the subject as well.

Zuko seemed thoughtful. Azula couldn’t quite understand why, it was a simple yes-no question. Maybe they only helped scared banished ex-princes, or maybe he had gotten special treatment for coming with the Avatar and all.

“I don’t doubt it. I’m sure they could. However, I would suggest training beforehand” he finally answered.

“Um, I don’t know if your brain is too small to comprehend, but the situation here is that I don’t have my fire to train with.” Was her comeback. Azula didn’t need more reasons of people reminding her of what she had lost. Zuko rolled his eyes and left out a loud sigh, such a drama queen.

“I get that, but that doesn’t mean you cannot do breathing exercises, go over your stances or perform katas. You could even consider training in non-bending styles.”

“No way, non-bending is for those who cannot bend., I don’t need that.” She snapped back. Azula had nothing against non-bender. Her two best friends were… had been non-benders after all. And that guy from the water tribe? He was much more of a threat than many actual benders so no, Azula tended not to underestimate them. However, non-bender abilities relied on their non-bending, they didn’t have an element to count on as she. She didn’t need any of that.

“Well from what I’ve caught up on you can’t quite bend right now.” Zuko teasefully remarked.

“Fuck you.” She said, with no real venom in her words.

“So? What do you say? Would you consider training again?”

“Actually, it was something I had previously discussed with doctor Haku and it seems he wants to be the one leading my training, Agni knows how, he’s no bender on his own.” She told him. She didn’t know what she had expected for an answer, but such silence was definitely unexpected.

“Zuko?” she tried again after the silence only grew deeper. She was beginning to get really worried, had she said something wrong without noticing again?

“I- I think I have an idea. Come on.” Zuko cheerfully said as he quickly made his way out of the spot he was sitting on. He stood up so quickly she wondered what higher power compelled him to do so. He took her hand trying to pull her up at the same rhythm as him. Zuko had had an idea and apparently that had been too much fucking work for his brain cells, cause just after he had it, they stopped working and Zuko forgot Azula’s broken hand.

“Ow you idiot, that’s my broken hand!” she screamed in pain as she slapped his hand to get off from his grip. As soon as Zuko made the connection he dropped her hand, looking apologetic.

“Oh yeah, I’m sorry. Also, about that. You won’t be able to be back to training any soon with your hand like that.” He added. Azula’s hand was still pulsating from her brother’s tight grip and the thin protection the bandages provided her.

“No shit genius.”

“I have someone that could make it better in almost no time if you’d like.” He started saying. Azula knew he had at his disposition the best healers form the fire nation, being the Fire lord and all, but no one she knew or was aware of could completely heal her in a few days, she knew it would take her over a month to actually recover, plus therapy.

“Who?”

“A friend of mine is really good with the healing thing, she-”

“Agni’s sake Zuko, stop circling around it. You can just say that it’s the water bender girl.” She interrupted him. It hadn’t been too hard to figure out, though Azula didn’t remember with great detail the events of the Agni Kai, her mind being far away from her, she could d remember the water tribe girl coming to Zuko’s rescue and do some kind of healing bending on him. Azula had only heard of the healing proprieties water bender could achieve through their bending but have never had the opportunity to see it from close. It must be certainly an interesting experience, of course, she hadn’t had the time to stop and admire it that day she was too busy… trying to kill her and stuff.

“Sorry, I didn’t know how you’d take it.”

Azula wanted to snap at that but bit her tongue in the last second. She knew that Zuko meant the best with that and that it wasn’t because he thought she was weak or nothing like that. He genuinely worried for her and the least she could do was not be mean about it. But being mean came so easy to her, always so used to see the cracks on other people’s armor and to aim at them. Not being mean?? Being nice for once? That was hard. Always having to think over her words and the impact they may have on someone else and she always seemed to be tripping over them. So, she chose silence instead. At least she did for a while until the question rounding her head became too loud to ignore.

“Do you really think she would be able to help me?” Do you think she might even consider it being me? She wanted to ask but didn’t dare. She had no right expected for the water bender to do that for her after she had almost killed her. Azula did what doctor Haku had recommended for her to do so many times before and tried to pretend to be in her shoes. She wouldn’t want to see herself again if she was her.

In fact, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to see her again. Coldwater against her whole body and shackles still haunted her in her sleep sometimes. How would she be able to be face to face with the one person she had ever lost a battle to? How would she be able to face one of the most, if not _the most_ , powerful bender she had ever met before while she couldn’t even manage to do flame on her own? An encounter with her asking for help would be so pathetic, even for her.

“I don’t know, but we lose nothing with trying right? So, it's fine? Shall I write her? Are you sure you’re okay with it?” Zuko tended to do that a lot, Azula noted. Once he had previously screwed up, he tended to learn way better from his mistakes than her and use them for future reference to what he should or shouldn’t do.

“With what? Letting the girl who beat me and whom I tried to kill come to heal me?”

“It might be a nice closure, for both of you.” He answered and Azula wondered if he even believed what just had come off his mouth.

“I’ll consider it. I'll let you know later. Now, where were we going before you decided to screw even more my hand?” she asked him, putting an end to the water tribe chat.

“Oh right! To doctor Haku’s office, I want to talk with him.” He said as he made his way down the hall. Azula followed him and pretended she hadn’t noticed the looks received from the royal guard and the fear in their eyes that she would try something against their precious Fire lord. Azula felt a bit sick, only a bit.

When they finally reached their objective Zuko knocked in the door. If Azula was the Fire lord she probably wound knock, she would just enter unannounced and expect other people to adjust to her, not the other way around. But Zuko was way nicer than her.

“Come in”

“Doctor Haku.” Zuko greeted. The doctor instantaneously stood up and bowed to his Fire lord, both Zuko and Azula felt a bit uncomfortable at the gesture but neither did nor said anything.

“Fire Lord Zuko, what a surprise, I’m sure we weren’t expecting you before Tuesday. Tell me, how can I help you?” Azula noticed there was nervousness in his voice and with no lack of reason, the last she had told him, she and Zuko were this close to set the whole hospital on fire over a petty family reunion. 

“Actually, I think we can both be of help to Azula. She told me you were planning on leading her training.” Azula had never seen her doctor nervous. She knew he knew Zuko was nowhere as cruel as their father, that he wouldn’t kill him or anything just because he didn’t like an idea or something like that, but he was still the Fire lord. And even if Zuko didn’t want to be feared there was a whole dynasty behind him that hadn’t been half as kind as him. His title was adorned with evilness, cruelty, and other’s fear. Azula tried to put her best face on and give a comforting smile to the doctor, something that let him know “He is not going to hurt you, my brother is kind” but also “Is he tries he’ll have to go through me first”. She didn’t think a single smile could combine both thoughts, nevertheless, she tried.

“Yes, we talked about it.”

“And am I correct to assume you know Master Piandao, right?” Master Piandao?? Azula knew the name. Wasn’t that the old sword master of Zuko? What did he have to do with her?? the last thing she needed was an old man teaching her to spar. Meanwhile, Doctor Haku looked as if he was connecting the pieces in his brain, Azula understood none of it. She didn’t like to feel left out and couldn’t help a small pout to form in her mouth.

“I see where you’re going. I think something can be arranged if Azula would like.” Just when Azula thought she was finally going to be included in the conversation Zuko came up with another question.

“But what do you think?”

“I think it can actually bring a more positive experience for both. I think it’s quite a good idea” Okay, that was enough. There was a limit, a breaking point and she just couldn’t hold the doubt anymore.

“Hello? Is someone going to explain to me what the hell is going on? What is a good idea?” she rudely interrupted the two-man-conversation.

“You see Azula, a while ago Master Piandao contacted me too to work with a friend of his, a friend that is deeply wounded by fire and is struggling in his own as well. I think that what your brother is suggesting is for both of you to train together. I think this could be beneficial, you could learn a lot from each other, and having a training partner may be productive for you as well.”

“You could also learn the art of the sword with Master Piandao!” Zuko added excitedly as if he didn’t know her claims that she wasn’t a fan of swords.

“But you’ll be there, right?” she asked the doctor. She didn’t want to be left alone in this new and exciting terrain, she could really use some backup for whatever the hell she was getting herself into.

“Every step of the way.” Doctor Haku assured her while nodding.

“Okay, if both of you think this is a good idea I don’t see why not. Who is this person?” she asked. She had never had a training partner before. Their father had separated Azula and Zuko young enough and they only trained together when it came to having a match against each other or when they had some spare time of their own and wanted to waste it in the training halls. She thought it could be an… interesting experience to have someone to training along with her.

Zuko’s face fell a little and he scratched the back of his neck. He was nervous to tell her and his nervousness only fed her curiosity.

“You’re not going to like it.”

“Who is it, Zuko?” she insisted. Who could this mysterious person be that put Zuko on his toes?

“Jeong Jeong…?” he muttered in a breath so low that it made Azula think she had misheard him. But she was pretty sure she hadn’t.

“Ha! You can count me out of this.” She spatted. No, no way he was _suggesting_ that. Azula reprimed a laugh, oh the absolutely fucking nerve Zuko had to suggest something as dumb as that.

“Azula-”

“No! There’s no way I am training with the deserter. He is a traitor to the nation and a coward! No.” What would her father even begin to say if he knew that her, royalty, the motherfucking princess of the Fire Nation was out there, hanging with the first and only deserter? With such embarrassment, a traitor…

“Azula, I beg you to at least consider it. Jeong Jeong may not be the person you think he is you could learn a lot from each other. Besides, think about all the beliefs you have been questioning lately and leaving behind, what if his perception is just like one of those?” she listened to what he said, but all she could hear from his voice was “your father is not here anymore, what are _you_ going to do?”. Azula didn’t know. If she messed up, she would have to answer to herself, and everything about this idea smelled like a mess up. And yet she felt excited to the idea of trying something of her own without owing anything to _anyone_.

“Ugh, fine! I am willing to give him a chance. But only because training means we’ll have to spare some time and I that traitor’s old ass” just as the doctor was about to say something (a reprimand about her comment, most likely) Zuko interrupted.

“I am going to pretend I didn’t hear the last part and count it as a win,” Zuko said with a bit too serious face. Hey! He should be happy, she had agreed to it, for her own motives but she had!

“So, it's settled, although we'll have to postpone your training until your hand is fully healed.”

“We can fix that, Zuko has a friend who can help with that. Tell that deserter to be ready for next week. I’ll be ready.”

“Are you sure?” Zuko asked. Just less than half an hour ago she was turning down his idea and now she spoke as if she had always been convinced of it. She still wasn’t too sure or comfortable on the idea of the water bender healing her, but she wanted to train, more than anything, more than life. And if that meant she would have to be stuck up with an old man and his swords, a coward traitor, and her water bender nemesis, then so be it. _No one_ would stand in her way to achieve what she wanted, and she wanted her fire back. And if Zuko said that’s what it took, **so be it**.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the thing goes like this, right now I'm still on my winter break and I am making the most out of it. I love writing and I am some excited about where this story is going so I've been nonstop. However one day I'll go back to school and my daily updates are over, so I'm giving you the most I can while I can.   
> I could write and save them to publish alter, so even when I don't have time in school I have a backup plan. Sure, that'd be super smart. But as soon as I finish I am way too excited to share it with you guys. I've ranted a lot on my lack of self-control and it's true. It's irresistible not to upload a chapter once I am satisfied with it.   
> So apologies in advance if I have created a false standard of time for my updates, I'll try my best to relax.   
> In the meantime, please, just enjoy the journey as much as I am.


	17. Oh, goddamn! My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azula has her healing session with Katara. There, they learn a bit more about each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I feel like I took FOREVER to finish this.   
> Uff this was a bit difficult to write, especially cause I wanted them to have progress with each other but not to lose sight of the facts or their characters at any time. Like, I would love for them to reconcile and be friends cause I think they would be such a powerful duo, but let's are honest that might take more than a chapter to get to (even more than a fic wink wink)  
> I hope you had a nice week!!!  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77, feel free to message me any time!!   
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated <3<3

“I need you to sign here,” said the lady in the reception of the hospital, taking Katara out of her thoughts.

How had she found herself here again? Oh sure, for Zuko, she reminded herself once more as she signed below on “the hospital it's not be taken accountable if the patient threatens, harms or inflict some kind of damage in both material and people alike”. Gee, what a way to welcome visitors, she thought followed by the wonder if it was only with her that they made them sign on that. Was everyone inside as… (the word insane came up to her mind, with a big effort Katara tossed it to the side) bad as her?

She could still refuse, she could still say no, even if when she was inside, she could refuse at any time. Zuko had been very clear on that, he didn’t want to push her to do anything she was uncomfortable with, he could ask for help from other healers, she didn’t _have_ to do this. She knew that Zuko was her friend and would never blame her for not being able to face _her._ In fact, if she didn’t do it would be easier for everyone else to understand. Let’s say that the Fire lord’s idea wasn’t very welcomed, not even by her brother, and that said something, seeing how rarely Sokka disagreed with anything Zuko said.

In fact, it had appeared such a bad idea to Sokka that some harsh words had been thrown from his side against the Firebender, something that had seemed near impossible for Katara nowadays. Her father and Bato had disagreed as well but with much more respect, Zuko was the Fire Lord now After all; they hadn’t accused Zuko of “losing his goddamn mind” as her brother had. Katara had pretended not to see the pain in Zuko’s eyes, maybe that had been one of the reasons she had accepted to help him, to let him know she didn’t think it was a bad plan, or to show his brother a lesson on how to treat your goddamn friends for once. 

Deep inside her, though, she knew that whether Sokka had hurt Zuko or not, she would have agreed, nevertheless. She knew that her sudden decision had been in mere spite. She was done with people treating her like the child she had once been. She had fought the war and win it, she had lived and fought more in a year of her life than most people in all of it. She was a master waterbender; she didn’t need people to make choicer for her anymore. She was more than capable to take her life into her own hands and navigate the sea of possibilities that laid in front of her. She knew that her father and Sokka didn’t mean wrong, she knew that… but at the moment it had been hard to keep that in mind and not to lash against them at the time. How dare they make decisions for her in front of her like that, without even questioning what she had to say. Needless to say, Katara had instantly accepted. She had almost regretted it in the spot, but her pride took the best out of her.

Deeper even inside, she knew that discarding any of the other reasons beforehand, she would have said yes anyhow. That’s why she was here and wouldn’t back down. Not because she had something to prove, but because Zuko was her friend and she owed him so much. Because she knew he would do the same for her at any given time. And because, despite hating Azula and not wanting to do anymore with her that what she already had and could never understand how Zuko could be so convinced that she could charge after everything she had done to them in the past, she could relate to one thing. Zuko _loved_ his sister and how could Katara say no? Who was she to question him on why? She tried not to imagine what would it be if the roles were reversed and Sokka hated her, she knew she could never but even if he did, she would still do anything, everything for him. Katara didn’t understand many things about Zuko’s past and his relationship with his sister, but she could understand that love. And so, she hadn’t said no and here she was, in a hallway one knock away from facing the firebender.

She breathed in and out, there was nothing to be afraid of, she reminded. She had won against Azula once and could do it again if the situation turned like that. Besides she had a broken hand and Zuko had confided to her that his sister's bending had deteriorated, there was no harm Azula could inflict in her now. Katara didn’t want to give Azula the heads up by showing fear, so she took a deep breath and put on a tough face, she could do this.

“Come in” a voice inside had answered. Katara mistook the voice for a nurse, cause the way she remembered it, there had not been a single time Azula’s tone hadn’t been commanding. Well, at least she wouldn’t be alone there.

As she opened the door and stepped inside, she realized three things.

One. The room was smaller than she had originally thought. It wasn’t big or full of luxuries as she thought it would be, nothing about it screamed: “Here lives princes Azula” except maybe for the crater in the wall which had burnt marks in it.

Two. There was a mirror covered by a bedsheet in the corner.

Three. There was no one else inside with her. Just Azula, who was looking straight at her.

Katara tried her best to maintain her tough face but failed miserably­, however, her shock didn’t feel too out of place, since the fire princess was looking at her in shock as well.

“Hi” was all that managed to come out of Katara’s lips in a lame attempt to break the ice

“Hi” the black-haired girl answered back. She cleared her throat, regaining some composure and control of the situation. “I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to come by today or without my brother. Please, have a seat.” Where Katara was still processing their shock, Azula was already commanding the situation, the waterbender felt being left one step behind and simply did as instructed and took a seat where Azula had pointed.

There was something off in Azula, Katara noticed, but couldn’t quite put her finger down in what. Rather, she couldn’t place what wasn’t different about her, every aspect of the firebender had changed. From her clothes to her hair, she had seen her with her hair loss before, but it had been in different situations. Her bangs and hair longer more uniform than the last time they had seen each other. She had also never seen her without her armor of formal wears, it was such a strange sight to watch her using the loose pants and short robe that covered her body, almost pajama-like. Katara assumed it fit, being this a hospital and all. There were details of her Katara had never imagined she would notice, but the change was so contrasting it was impossible not to; her nails were not long as they used to be, they were trimmed and short. Lastly, her face. There was something so odd about her face… not wrong, she could have looked nice to anyone who didn’t know who she was or what she had done in her past. Her make up was gone, Katara noticed.

Suddenly it became weird to think of the fact that she had once been terrorized and chased by the girl in front of her; she just looked so small, harmless even. Her face had become soft without the dark edges that had once adorned her eyes and her lips. She had to remind herself in front of who she was now; how long had this… this… monster lived in her nightmares at night? She could still see Aang being electrified, she could still feel Aang’s lack of heartbeat against her ow she could still hear Zuko as he screamed in front of her taking the lightning in, the way his skin had burned. She would never forgive Azula for _any_ that. For all that she had put them through. Even less the realization had suddenly slapped Katara in the fact that she and Azula were the same age; hadn’t Katara came here claiming she was old enough to call her shots? To decide over her own life? Then, Azula was too, and she had chosen to be evil. No matter how harmless she looked right now, she wasn’t what she looked like, she wasn’t a _child_.

But she wasn’t here for her precisely. She was here _for_ Zuko and she would do as she promised. Not because she wanted to help Azula, but because Zuko needed her now, and she would deliver, as promised.

.

.

“What?” Azula asked after seeing a whole display of emotions passing through the water ~~peasant~~ bender.

 _“You should not be calling everyone around peasants, Azula” Doctor Haku had once told her, almost over six months ago. “Why no, if that what they are” she had rhetorically asked back. “Because you say it in a derogatory manner, as if that made you better” “Am I not a princess, after all” .-_ Azula now understood better that no, she wasn’t much better that people around her; like three weeks ago, when she finally started following another of Doctor Haku’s advice and tried to socialize with the people around her. She had never been good at making friends, for she had never had to, not in a way that didn’t involve making them fear her for her to control them at least. And sure, she sure it wasn’t like she had friends now, but Kuz let her stay around while she was painting and even seemed interested in what Azula had to say, she was great at listening and Azula had learned to be great at not peeking into whatever she was painting, she was a very private person and never showed anyone the process, only the final result. Or Lu, who was very keen in teaching Azula how to style a Bonsai. She didn’t think of them as inferior as she once had, she wouldn’t dare to call them friends yet though, but it was something.

Old habits died hard though, and it was hard not to refer to the waterbender as so, not because she thought of her as inferior; she had proven to be a worthy opponent after all and Azula would never make the same mistake to underestimate her again. It was just a habit she still had in her mind, to call people peasants around. But she had been actively working on that, correcting herself when the thought arrived. Like now.

The waterbender had been looking at her too long and many emotions had passed through her eyes, first something like strangeness, she looked at her as if she felt surprised by her. But then her glare had changed into something dark, Azula knew the previous surprise of the other bender had passed and now she saw her as for what she really was.

“Nothing,” the girl answered back. Azula realized she didn’t know her name yet, in her head she had always lived almost as a fictional figure, the one that had taken her down. The realization that this was just a person, mortal, with a name like another had just hit her. “It’s just you look different without makeup. Childlike.”

To anyone else it would have come up as a meaningless comment, maybe it could have even been mistaken for the way she blushed as a compliment. It wasn’t though. She knew what this waterbender was trying to do, she had done it herself many times before; she must know how much being taken seriously meant for Azula, and her saying she looked “childlike” only resonated with everything Azula didn’t want to be. Her comment had shot to kill, Azula knew, besides the venom in her eyes didn’t say any different. Azula wouldn’t give her the satisfaction though, but in all honesty, she wasn’t in the mood for petty games today. She let it slide, only for this time.

“Yes, well, like I said I was unaware of your arrival. Besides I don’t know how well of a job I could have done only with my left hand” (and the fact that I have no access to make up and that I don’t like looking into the mirror was left unsaid). She tried to put on a non-threatening smile, she didn’t know how much had she succeeded though.

“That’s why you are here, isn’t it? Heal my hand?” Azula inquired with a meaner tone while raising her brow.

The waterbender didn’t answer, instead, she just nodded while sharpening her glare while holding it against hers. For a moment only, then, her eyes started scanning the room looking for something. When it appeared as if she had finally found it, she stood up and came back with a chair that lied in front of the window from where Azula had taken a liking in reading there. She put the chair in front of Azula and sat there. Their glances met once more, ironically, Azula could see fire beneath those brown eyes.

The waterbender extended her hand which Azula only looked intriguingly. The other girl nodded and Azula extended her right hand and let herself be held by her, who, with more softness than what Azula thought she deserved, started manipulating it; examinating the damage, never once hurting Azula. Which seemed weird for her, she was laying her useless broken hand to her, it was in the waterbender’s will; this could have been a perfect chance for any thirst of revenge to be sated, she could claim it was part of the healing process or anything and no one could call her wrong. But she didn’t, she never once inflected pain in Azula.

Not until the real healing began, at least. Azula had noticed the small canteen which hanged from her side when she entered the room. The other girl opened it and started bending the water out of there. Azula tried not to think about that day and put her focus on the girl’s movement instead. They were continuous and seemed almost flexible. Her brow, Azula noticed, was frowned in concentration.

The water was colder than what the fire princess had expected, making it even harder not to think of the time she had lost at the hands of ice. If Katara decided to attack right here and now Azula wouldn’t have stood a chance, with her fire growing weaker every day she was barely able to bring a candle-size flame to life. So much for the greatest firebender, she had once been.

The water turned even colder, and it began to glow as it surrounded her whole hand. It felt as if little needles pierced through her flesh and bones and left her stone cold. The glow was a good distraction from the pain she felt in her hand, it was white but blue-like at the same time, moonlight like. It was really something to see. Azula clenched her teeth as she wished she had her own fire to keep her warm, the cold was getting more to a freezing point with each second that passed.

The princess tried to focus on something else, anything that would take her concentration away from the cold against her hand. She scanned the room, trying to notice detail on it or something out of place, but her gaze fell with gravity against the girl in front of her. Azula decided to examine her just to lose sometime.

Azula had no knowledge whatsoever of the Water Tribes' cultures, all she knew is that they were two sister tribes the northern and the southern, one which had already been annihilated. The waterbender must come from the north, she knew there was no bender in the south left. Other than that, the cultures remained unknown to her, she was taught they were either barbarian or in need of conquering so they would all share the riches of her nation. But the girl in front of her didn’t look like anything she had been told about the water tribe. She noticed the way she styled her hair, with two loopies in the front, she noticed the slightest drop of sweet running down her hairline. Then, her sight moved forward into a shiny object that shined against her neck.

“That’s a nice necklace” she recognized, in an effort to break the thickening wall of ice between them and maybe start a talk. They could talk and maybe it would maintain her distracted from the deep cold her hand was in. She had never felt anything near as cold in her life.

Until, all of a sudden, it stopped. It was as if there had never been cold before. Impatiently, Azula tried to move her hand only to find herself with insufferable pain, she drowned a scream. Her hand remained as broken as it had begun. Azula raised her eyes only to be met with a brown pair full of rage.

The other girl looked, besides pissed beyond compare, on the verge of tears. With no words, she simply stood up and busted herself out of the room. Huh, so this was what it felt to be on the other side of a sudden burst. Azula wasted no time and followed her down the hall, more than wanting her back or to be healed she was moved by the mere curiosity of what had she done wrong this time.

“Wait, did I do something wrong? I-”

“Oh, I don’t know, did you? What about everything you put us through, you put me through? What about trying to kill us multiple times? Or striking Aang with lightning? This necklace,” her voice was shaking and Azula could notice it took her everything not to cry. “is all I have from my mother since your nation decided to kill her. That’s all you seem to know how to do, to kill and destroy. You are a monster and you don’t deserve my help or any help at all!”

And just like that, she left.

Not that Azula had put up much resistance to it, she remained frozen in the hall, even more, frozen than the time she had been actually caught in ice. It was weird to hear it from someone else, normally it was only her and her mother who acknowledge her true state, but hearing it being shouted at her with such hate made her doubt if that all she really was. Azula locked herself in her room for the rest of the day and didn’t come out of her bed.

.

.

And that how Zuko had found her, the next day, in her bed with the sheets up to her head and facing the wall. He sat on the edge of her bed and noticed she was awake from the reluctant movement she made, trying to cover up more of herself with the thinnest blanket there was, it was summer after all.

“I take it your healing session didn’t go as planned?” He asked. Trying to keep his worry out of his tone.

“As if you didn’t know. She probably went straight to you to complain.” He heard her say. At least she wasn’t mad enough to throw him out right away.

“Actually, she didn’t tell me anything about it. Just that she needed more time.” To that, Azula turned. Zuko really tried not to laugh over how small his sister looked covered like that underneath a blanket cause he knew it would only make the situation worse.

It was true, though; this was the first and only indicator that he had to think it had gone wrong. He had promised to look out for her when going to Azula, however, she had mentioned she didn’t need protection and that she wanted to go alone and Zuko knew better than to argue with her. So, he had let her go alone, knowing that Katara could and would kick her sister’s ass but also that Azula was in no state to start a fight. He knew his sister was smart and that Katara wouldn’t just go to start a fight, so he didn’t have anything to worry about.

When he had the news Katara had arrived back he found her in her room, but she gave no sign that the session had gone wrong at all, in fact as he came to ask her how’d it gone she cut him off first by telling him how one session wouldn’t be enough and that she would be back to see Azula soon.

“She didn’t say anything bad about me?” Azula inquired, getting out of her cover, and sitting next to him, bedsheet still falling from her shoulders and her hair a mess.

“No. Why, what did you do?”

“Nothing!! Or I don’t know… I just said I thought her necklace was pretty, maybe I offended her somehow, you know how I don’t know any of the water tribe cultures, maybe I shouldn’t have said that but I was just trying to break the ice!!”

“I’m going to stop you right there.” Zuko began. Of course, the only time his sister tried to be nice and stablish a conversation it is about the necklace. Agni, Azula was just as bad at him at being good, maybe it was a family thing. “You didn’t do anything wrong it's just that the necklace is a delicate subject to Katara. Trust me, I know.”

Katara. So that was the waterbender’s name. It was nice to finally have a name to place in those brown eyes. Azula had never seen brown eyes, much less quite as brown as hers; they were dark and as deep as the bark of the trees that adorned the palace and the earth beneath them. And when the sunlight had touched them, they had become lighter, not quite golden as hers but bronze like. Katara. She finally had a name to place into the girl who had lashed out at her.

“Yeah, I got that from the way she screamed at me.” Azula paused abruptly and Zuko knew there was something she was deciding on whether to tell him or not, she bit her lip thinking deep about it until she decided. “She said I was a monster.” Was what finally came out of her lips so quiet that if he hadn’t read them, he would have been able to hear it from his left side.

Just when Zuko was about to comfort her, sadness seemed to snap out of her in question of milliseconds. As if her moment of vulnerability had been extinguished the way the wind blows a candle. 

“She is right, of course. I just didn’t think she had it in her.” Zuko said nothing back because what could he have said back? It was the same thing she had said that one time at the beach and Zuko was smart enough to connect dots and not to push it. He just stayed there, being there for his sister how she wanted him to be, even if that was in the quiet while the sun went down.

But, not for the first time in his life, Zuko had to remind himself that Azula ~~always~~ lied.

.

.

“What are you doing back?”

If Azula had a coin for each time the waterbender came unexpectedly in peace to her she would have two coins, which wasn’t quite much but it was weird that it had happened twice. Especially cause Azula had taken pride in being always ahead of the curve, nothing and no one could startle her, she was _always_ one step ahead. Lately, she had found herself more and more out of her element and that would anger her if she had had time to react. But there wasn’t time, Katara was there then and she didn’t know quite what to do.

“I have a promise to fulfill. I told your brother I would help you and I am, but just to be clear, I am doing this for him, just for him. Are we clear?” Katara said, her voice stern and heavy. She seemed to be more in control of the situation than she had been the last time, at least one of them was ready for whatever the hell was about to happen. 

“Like water.” Azula retorted. There was no denying there was certain poison in both girls’ voices. The ice that Azula had once tried to break was thicker than ever.

The healing session was colder than the last one, despite the temperature of the water being used for her hand had nothing to do with it. There were many thoughts rounding in Azula’s mind, the first one was why would Katara come back? Did she really love her brother so much she would bear to heal her for him? Is that what friendship was? Sometimes doing things in spite of.

Also, Azula was not one to fail and try again, mainly because perfection didn’t forgive it. But she was learning to, and if Katara was being a good friend and healing her for it she wouldn’t be left far behind; she could do a second effort as well and try to connect with her. For Zuko.

But she didn’t know how. The only friends she had ever had were Mai and Ty Lee and they had bonded by _fear_. It hadn’t been like that all the time, when they were little, they had bonded over other dumb childish things like making fun of other boys and bullying boys. Azula doubted any of that would help now. Besides them, she had never bonded with someone over something. The other time she had tried she had ended up setting a house on fire, that must be enough for her to realize that it hadn’t been a successful establishment of a friendship with those dumb guys. Even with Kuz and Lu she hadn’t quite bonded-bonded with them, they were just nice and let her make them company, not much friend-like. The other people in her life now were Zuko and Doctor Haku, which didn’t count right? Zuko was her brother and they both knew what they had gone through, and the doctor was her doctor, not precisely a nice example of friendship there. She realized she had been on her own all her life. It didn’t sadden her though, it was just a fact, what scared her though was the fact that she had been alone all her life and she didn’t know how to change that now, even if she wanted to. 

Fuck, if there was something Zuko was better at was at having friends, she should have asked Zuko about it or something. She feared what to say, the last time she had tried being nice she had massively fucked it up. It wasn’t fair, she didn’t even know how to be nice. Anyway, she had to give it a try, she had already made up her mind.

“My mother died too.” She began. She hadn’t quite noticed the cold around her hand until it stopped being there. Katara interrupted the healing for what she had just said and raised her eyes to face hers. Azula really hoped she was not about to fuck it all up (again).

“Well, that’s not quite true, sorry. Nobody knows what happened to her, just that one night she disappeared. My father trusted me with a lot of things, I was his favorite after all. But my mother’s disappearance, that was the one thing he never told me anything about. I am pretty sure he killed her though. I am not quite sure why or how; all I know is that The Fire nation took my mother away from me too.” She confessed for the first time in her life. She had never quite thought about it that way, but it was true, wasn’t it? She also didn’t say that the Fire Nation she had referred wasn’t only her father or the fact that ever since the truth didn’t seem like a good choice for her.

Azula had begun to discover that pity was so much heavier in someone else’s eyes than fear or hate. The healing had been forgotten behind and they just froze there, looking at each other. She hated the pity that laid behind those big brown eyes.

“It’s okay though,” she tried to get rid of that look. And she knew exactly how to make it disappear. “I hate her, and she hated me too. Her disappearance was for the best. You would probably get along with her.” Katara said nothing back. Amazingly, the pity in her eyed did disappear but hadn’t turned quite into anger as she had planned, instead, Katara looked just sad. She resumed her healing and now Azula did feel the cold water around her hand this time.

It was true. Azula knew her mother had been weak because she was way too nice (to everyone but her, of course); the servants respect her but never out of fear, but because she had a kind heart. Katara was probably all her mother would have liked to have for a daughter; nice, kind, respectful. Never mind her mom, even worse, Katara was everything she wasn’t caring, a good sister, a good friend, compassionate but strong, kind but powerful, and good, so goddamn good. And Azula wanted to hate her for that. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It could be easy, Agni it _should_ be easy. But she didn’t. She didn’t.

.

.

“Ready, new as ever.” Katara said in their third and last session.

These had been the three most exhausting days in Katara’s life, and there had been times when she hadn’t slept at all and wars had happened. Yet, nothing had ever prepared her for how exhausting, both mentally and physically, these sessions would be. Every day, Azula left her with complicated feelings inside of her, at first it had been just anger and hate, which led to confusion at night. The second day Azula had said something that had left her defenseless and a bit shook; she had heard before about Zuko’s mother, he had told her in the catacombs in Ba Sing Se after all, but she had thought it had been just a strategy to win her sympathy at the time and betray them later. She hadn’t aborded the subject ever since and hadn’t given it a time to think whether he had been honest or not. It hadn’t come up until now that Azula confessed her theory.

Then it hit her; Katara was obviously aware that Zuko and Azula were siblings, but she hadn’t quite connected the dots. She knew Zuko’s father, as his father and not the Fire lord, was a monster. She knew not everyone in the Gaang knew this (she wondered if Sokka knew looking at how close he and Zuko had grown), but Zuko had told her once in the Air Temple when she woke him from a nightmare, the origin of his scar. It wasn’t hard to believe if you associated him only to being the Fire Lord, it wasn’t difficult to think of the Fire Lord, the man who had burn entire cities and brought death and destruction with him, was capable of doing that to his son. But it was difficult to think of a father doing it. She hadn’t stopped to think that it was Azula’s father as well.

Katara couldn’t help but wonder what could he have done to his daughter for her to be like that. Had he ever threatened her to burn her face as he had done to her brother? Had Azula seen how her own father almost killed Zuko? Did she know what he was capable of? She must or else she wouldn’t think her own father killed her mom. Tui and La this whole family were a mess, Katara had realized.

Katara knew the pain of losing a parent, but she couldn’t even dare to imagine the feeling that the other parent had been responsible for their death. She couldn’t believe feeling the hate and anger she felt towards her mother’s murderer to her own father. Much less dealing with all of that alone.

Cause that’s what Azula was, wasn’t she? Alone. She had no friends; her brother had left when she was just eleven and she had been left alone with that _monster_. No wonder why she was a monster on her own. 

“Thank you.” The princess told her while examining her had and exploring her full mobility back. She gave her a weak, but with no poison behind, smile. “And Katara, I may be a monster, but I am sorry for the part I played that got your mom killed. Must have been hard.”

Katara said nothing back. She just left the room as soon as she could without giving up any kind of reaction to her. She had never in a million years, expected Azula to say _that_.

She wanted to yell at her that she didn’t get just to apologize like that, that an apology wouldn’t bring her mother back or everything that had been lost at the hands of her family. But Katara knew that nothing would bring back her mom either or take back Zuko’s scars and whatever hidden wounds she had. Katara wanted to hate Azula for she had inflicted so much pain as well, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She couldn’t help but wonder what she could have become with so much pain inside and no one around to give her love.

It wasn’t like she forgave her; she might never forgive her for what she made her endure. But Tui and La, she hadn’t deserved what she had gone through either. And, for the first time, she allowed herself to see Azula as for what maybe she really was, a fifteen-year-old girl, just like her, who had been immersed and dragged into war and had done what she could to survive. And Katara couldn’t do but to relate to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As all of you know, my first language isn't English (is Spanish) so I make a lot of mistakes, therefore I came with the idea of creating a session on my grammar or spelling mistakes Grammarly detects that I am just so over with. This with the hope that next time I won't repeat them. So if you are not interested this is not story-relevant so you can totally skip it.  
> Anyway, today on "Things of the English language that make no sense to Dany" we have  
> -Why if "special" is spelled without "E" at the beginning, "especially" have it?? Like you can see where my mistake comes from right? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.   
> \- Another one I do way too often but it makes sense and I am just dumb is that I use "did"+"verb in past" way to ofter. I know it is not dramatically correct, but in my head, it sounds nice, and don't even question it lol  
> Every time I check my writing in Grammarly, my English certificates laugh at me. This time it only marked me 100 mistakes... like how did I ever pass a certification with my hundred mistakes??


	18. They told me all of my cages were mental so I got wasted like all my potential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Azula agrees to have Doctor Haku and Zuko team up and led beck her training. Zuko brings along an old teacher of his and Doctor Haku decides it is appropriate to get Azula a training partner, a patient of his that is finding his way in the fire as well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter you may find; domestic!Azula (just like her usual routine and development in friendship), soft Azula and Zuko, some old character that could certainly use some therapy, the continuous struggle with failure, and more!!!  
> I took away to long to update, I am sorry, it just didn't come to me as easily as other's had. And I think it might take a little longer than usual for the next chapter as well because a sudden inspiration for another WIP came and I just cannot ignore it and let it go, BUT DONT WORRY I AM NEVER ABANDONING AT ALL THIS FIC!!  
> I'll be probably updating on Sundays unless a wave of inspiration hits in the week. Thanks for all the kind comments and kudos, they are really appreciated  
> I hope you had a nice start of week!!!  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77, feel free to message me any time!!

Ever since having her hand completely healed, two days ago, Azula had taken on herself to be prepared for training. Training for training one could call it. So as Agni raised in the sky, so did she. It had been a while since she had run beneath the first rays of sun, she had forgotten how the stars slowly disappeared as sunlight took their place, or the way the colors fused till it becomes a clear blue. It felt weird the feeling of running without eyes tracing her movements, without voices every 500 meters telling her she was being slow or to improve her posture; “faster”, “Longer steps!!”, “shorter steps”, “I can see you breathing when you step”, ”faster”, “control those breaths”, “FASTER!”. Silence. Everything but her head was silent. Maybe a couple of birds waking and the noise of water down somewhere but other than that, quiet. And clear, there were no goldeneyes lurking in the shadows to judge her. It was so free. It was weird. But she would take it, she would take weird but free over being stalked over and observed all the time.

She reached the shore, she had never come out so far before (it would be a pain in the ass to come back, she realized, her legs already on fire.). Azula didn’t think the hospital thought no one would reach so far, it would be dumb for a hospital who secured the patient's windows to have a lake for frontier. She stared at the water and couldn’t help but tot hing in the way it had healed her; when facing the waterbender she had never contemplated the usage of the element for something other than destructing. She looked at her hand now, it hadn't even left a mark. Could fire be used in some other way than just destroying? Could fire somehow be more than what she was taught? She didn't dare to hope for much, all she had ever known was destruction and pain through flames.

Azula decided not to waste her thoughts on that when there were other things she could be. She gave herself time to keep processing yesterday’s session with doctor Haku. It handt been quite a lot as other sessions had been, she talked mostly about the waterbender and the conversation they had had (even though it mostly had been Azula talking). Even though she hadn't done it for it, Doctor Haku told her he was proud of her for starting a dialogue and trying to sympathize with the other girl. She felt proud of herself as well.

However, the doctor had brought up Jeong Jeong's subject and compared his case to Katara’s. On how maybe Azula had the wrong idea about him and his side as worth hearing. Azula really doubted it but didn’t voice it out loud. As far as she knew, Jeong Jeong had deserted out of cowardness; he was one of the best teachers the academy had, he was one of the greatest masters. Her father held him on a high pedestal and even steemed him; he had given him the best generals and Firebenders after all. Until one day he hadn't. Azula doesn’t know how, when, or what had happened, just that one day when she asked if Master Jeong Jeong would be her teacher father got furious. He told her never to say that name aloud in the Fire Palace, that the traitor had no place in the fire nation now. Azula didn’t even know until after how he had committed treason, all she remembered was the fear her father’s screams had provoked and how she directed that fear into fury at Jeong Jeong for betraying them. Had he never deserted her father would have never screamed at her in that way and she would have never found herself in her big brother’s room looking for comfort. Jeong Jeong was what he was, a traitor, a coward, and a deserter. He didn’t deserve Azula’s respect or attempt to be nice. 

Before Azula had ever noticed she was back in the hospital's main structure. The sun didn’t seem I such a different position from when she had left the lake; it hadn't taken her long. She hadn't even noticed the time pass while thinking, but she could feel her legs burning from the effort. It was fine though, she was more than used to feeling the sting training (and training for training) left her, it was almost nice to return to that normality she had once known.

It was still early for breakfast, she noticed, there was enough time for her to take a shower and get ready for the day. Lately, Azula found almost no reminders of her deterioration of bending since even before trying again she hadn't tried on the main. However, a reminder that lived freely was when she took a shower and the water wasn’t quite right. It was always too cold and never too hot. She used to heat her hand and out in in the shower’s nozzle raising enough the temperature for her to be comfortable. Now she couldn’t quite do that and had to bear with the warm water. Sure it wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t as hot as she would have liked it to be.

Back in her room as soon as she got dressed for the day, she moved on to her new incorporated habit. Ever since learning that she would return to training she had started trying to do her hair again. It had been a while since she had, on the daily, taken care of her hair. Sometimes she did, most of the times she didn’t; because doing her hair implied looking in the mirror and it meant looking at her resemblance with her mom and giving her a space to show up. Lately, her ghost hadn't hunted her as much, mainly because she had been talking it out with doctor Haku and he had been telling her how it may not be a ghost and more her subconscious; it only seems to become present when there was something Azula knew deep inside her but tried to ignore it, so if Azula dealt with the problems when they presented and didn’t wait until her mother’s ghost began hunting her for them, she would stay away, however it was hard for it not to resurface on the mirror. As it was expected, Azula tried to avoid it as much as she could.

Still, since learning that she would be back into training she had consciously tried to make an effort and face her ~~fear~~ discomforts. She retired the bedsheet and stared at her own reflection. It was the same it had been since the last time she had seen it, her hair was a bit longer though. She quickly grabbed her brush, trying to get over with this as soon as possible. She decided for something not so elaborated; she didn’t dare trying a top-knot just yet, but she could do a braid.

After that, Monday goes as all her days went; she would make her bed (which was better than the first few days when she had refused, she was used to servants doing these sort of things for her. Later she decided to make an effort and learn which had been terrible, but nowadays her bed looked pretty neat), have breakfast (where she decided what and how much she would eat, with no one to call her out for preferring oranges over apples or overstressed with a correct “warrior diet”). Later, by midday, it was her time with Kuz. They both chose a subject for the day; like “what you dreamt today?”, “whats your favorite fruit?” or “where did you live?” and stuff like that. Azula would talk to Kuz while she painted hers, Kuz wasn’t much of words but she was a nice painter, she said she could express herself better that way. Then, they would eat and after that but before the sunset, she would go to make Lu some company as the older would take care of her small portion of the garden. First, she would water her plants, and then they would move on to the bonsai lessons. While to some it may appear a boring subject, Azula found it fascinating; she got the same feeling of when Kuz finally let her see her painting, she felt as if what they did represented each person so much she could actually know them from it. She wondered if something said as much of her, if she expressed herself through something so much her essence would remain printed in it.

Finally, Agni would start to descend through the sky. Azula had never been to spiritual herself, no one in her family had been but her uncle (and not all his life). But she did feel the way her energy dropped with the sun, even when she could bend, even if it wasn’t weaker, it cost her a lot more to keep it as strong. She would call it a day then, she would undo her head and go to sleep, even if the thrill to begin her training again threatened with keeping her awake she obliged herself to close her eyes and focus on the peace the day had filled her with. 

.

.

Tuesdays weren’t much different, with the exception that she stayed mostly in her room patiently waiting for the time her brother decided to show up. She knew Zuko already did an enormous effort by maintaining an open space in his schedule to visit her once a week, being Fire Lord didn’t come with much free time. So she wouldn’t push even further by asking a specific visiting hour. She knew that he came at the time he could.

Today he arrived early, too early in fact. She hadn't even finished doing her hair when he arrived. It wasn’t weird to see her brother with a tired face, dark circles under his eyes decorated his face mostly than not nowadays. But todays look was different, he looked sad as well. Azula didn’t know what to do, so in order to avoid a lame talk about his feelings, she would give them something to distract themselves while they talked about it. She extender her hand to Zuko, offering him her brush, he just returned her a puzzled look which she just answered by shrugging her shoulders. It was true she almost never let anyone touch her hair, it was a big deal after all. But she could do a small exception today. Zuko took the brush and took a sit on the bed’s shore, while she sat lotus-like on the floor with her back to him.

Eventually, Zuko started talking.

“I just came back from the South Pole”. Azula remained quiet, she knew her brother could get to his point without her critics and comments in between. “Sokka wasn’t so happy with me for bringing Katara here.”

“Her brother, right?” she inquired. How many times had she fought them and how little she really knew of them.

“Yes.” Zuko got quiet again. Azula tried to focus on his movements along her hairs length. They were soft but steady. He also knew how to deal with knots, she assumed that that knowledge came from his self-experience, Zuko's hair had always grown so fast he had it by his shoulder now. 

“He got mad at me before she came, but I thought it would be in the past after he saw that Katara was fine.” She tried not to focus on the point where Sokka apparently thought Azula would harm his sister, but rather on the point that Zuko and believed she wouldn’t.

“Turns out he was even angrier at me. But I don’t really know how to fix it now. Besides it is not like I made her do it, I suggested to get another healer but Katara insisted on being her. And now he won't even talk to me”

Azula hated how her brother would spill so much information into just one sentence without even realizing it. Maybe it was her fault for overanalyzing it. Firstly; Katara had insisted on seeing her? Katara wanted to be her healer? That didn’t make much sense and while she wanted to focus on the waterbender case she had an issue more important on the other hand. Zuko sounded sad, _really_ sad. He had never spoken to her about Sokka before, she wondered if his tone always changed when talking about him or if it was the only case for being afraid of the changes their friendship may have. Azula could deal with a sad and angsty Zuko, it was just his unbearable self but a bit more, but this just wasn’t it. Zuko sounded heartbroken. His voice small and fractured, his tone hopeless and sad. Azula was grateful for her idea of not facing him while talking about this because she would definitely not know how to act if she saw tears in her brother’s eyes.

“What do you want me to do about it? Plot his murder?” she asked trying to bring up some kind of solution for his heartbreak. It would be a difficult task of course, but she could see it done.

“Wh-what? No!! What form everything I just said gave out that idea?” He asked while suddenly stopping his brushing.

“Well, I don’t know. What do you want me to do about it then?” she was trying to be useful and provide Zuko with some kind of solution, wasn’t that obvious?

“Nothing! Ju-”

“Then why tell me?” Azula asked in more composed way than him, whose voice had raised and almost cracked with his last response. She turned her head to face him, Zuko didn’t look angry just confused.

“Just, just listen to me. I just want you to listen. I don’t want you to fix it for me or to give me advice or anything, I just want you to listen, okay?” Azula… hadn't expected that. It was weird for people to tell her something and not expect something from her. Definitely not something very royal nor fit for her environment. It felt nice, just being trusted with personal information for the sake of it, and not in exchange for something. She also realized this through this whole conversation it was the second time that she felt trusted by her brother.

“Oh. Fine, I can do that.” But Zuko didn’t return to his story. Azula felt relieved cause while she could listen, she wouldn’t have known what to do with more information on her brother’s relationships or what to make out of them.

Zuko ended and she realized he had made her two small weird sets of braids on each side and tied them together in the center. She raised her eyebrow questioning his new skills.

“Um… Sokka taught me how to braid.” Was Zuko blushing? Agni, she didn’t want to know more. Instead, she turned to the mirror and stared at her reflection, the hairstyle was nice, she had to admit. Her mother’s ghost was beginning to appear, she closed her eyes and when she opened them it was Zuko who was there instead, taking her place.

“I brought you something. A gift.” Azula turned and looked down at Zuko's hands, where a set of clothes were neatly folded. The fabric was nicer than any robe she could manage to get in the hospital, it seemed to be embroidered with gold thread and the patter was hand made. It was very royal, she recognized, even if it was meant to be for training. It seamed logical, for Zuko to give her training clothes as she had none, but she knew he didn’t need to go as far as to give her royal training garment. As much attention the clothed had stolen, the thing that stood out the most was the golden ropes in the top.

As Azula took them she began to notice these were no common ropes, first of all, they seemed to be made out of the same silky rich material royal robes were made of, gold threat an all, secondly, they were short, they seemed more like a bracelet. Azula knew what these were.

“Where did you get this from?” she asked, still in awe.

“Well, as you know I have already made a lot of changes as Fire Lord, and while this I know is a tradition, I thought it wouldn’t matter much if I changed it a little. These are from me.” He answered. Azula raised her eyes to him.

Agni Kai’s armbands were supposed to be given by the mother as a blessing for the wearer. While they were mainly to be used in Agni Kais, Azula knew some soldiers never took them off, other great warriors also wore them on the daily carryng with them the meaning that they would be ready for a fight at any time, Zuko also liked to use them underneath his royal outfit to bring him luck. Azula had never gotten a pair on her own, mainly because her mother wasn’t an enthusiast of the idea of her in combat. Azula believed that to be just an excuse, she was mostly certain her mother just didn’t wasn’t to give her her blessing.

But Zuko was now. Azula didn’t know how to react. She never expected anything like that.

“I thought you might need both, for your training tomorrow besid- umpf” he was interrupted by the sudden surprise of Azula’s arms around his neck in a hug. Azula was surprised too by her sudden reaction, but it had felt right. When had it been the last time they had hugged? Zuko stopped being tense a few moments after and returned her hug.

“Thank you Zuko” she muttered hiding her face in the crook of his neck, he was taller than what she remembered but still managed.

“Your welcome Azula” her brother answered back, as his embrace tightened.

.

.

As Wednesday arrives, Azula cheerfully goes through her morning routine. It was a strange feeling to be training for nothing in particular except getting better, it was weird to be excited for something that would bring her nothing but her own joy. She could get used to it, she thought. She took special care that day to incorporate Zuko’s gift in her styling; she didn’t feel quite like using them in her arms, but she wanted to wear them and decided to wear them in her wrists for now instead. When the situation demanded it she would wear them around her arms, just not yet.

Training time arrived sooner that what she had expected and suddenly she found herself waling through the gardens into the training zone. It wasn’t a training zone in strict terms, it was a plain, vast empty portion of garden with no trees around. Azula had never trained in the exterior, she had performed in the exterior of course, for her father and his council men, but she ahd never quite trained. Training was private so that the humiliation of failure stayed behind closed doors. Not that she messed up much, but still. Besides, training in the open could led to uncontrolled fire and shame, needless to say that Azula felt a bit nervous looking at the open environment before her.

When she arrived she noticed that not only Doctor Hkau was already there waiting for her, Zuko was also there, along with Master Piandao and a man that could only be Jeong Jeong. Agni, desertion had done nothing for that coward. His face was covered by two vertical scars in the right side, his hair was a long, tangled white mess along with his beard. The only indicator this mad had once been from the fire nation were his golden eyes. Other than that, Azula could have confused him with a vagabond any better day. On the other hand, there was Master Piandao. Azula knew him by name only, he was the most respected sword master of the Fire Nation after all (and Zuko had been trained by him but anyway). This man looked like the master he truly was; his hair styled in a top-know, his beard neat and trimmed; contrary to the other old man the only thing about him that didn’t quite pass as Fire nation were his eyes, which were an olive-like color.

“Azula, welcome. You are early.” Doctor Haku greeted her. Was she supposed to bow to him as he was being somehow her teacher? Even if he didn’t have the title of master or anything? Was she supposed to greet them all in any kind of way? Azula decided to just slightly bow her head, without the hand gesture the movement felt empty.

“Azula, this is master Piandao, he will train you in the art of the sword.” Said Zuko as he introduced them. Piandao had enough decency to bow to her and Azula would be lying if she said she didn’t miss that. She bowed completely this time.

“It is an honor meeting you, Master Piandao. I have heard only the best of you.” She said. Azula was no stranger to politeness and diplomacy, she had been trained for that after all.

“The pleasure is mine, princess Azula.” Azula really tried to ignore the eye roll Jeong Jeong gave them. Tried is the keyword, for she wasn’t able to resist it.

“And you, you must be the deserter. Jeong Jeong if I am not mistaken.” And she wasn’t of course. At first, Azula couldn't even phantom the idea that the man in front fo her had been once the great Master Jeong Jeong. He had been the best teacher of them all, the best generals were proof of it. There had been nothing to indicate he was the man he had once been, but the fire behind his eyes for what Azula had told him. So the old man still got it, she smirked.

“And you must be the insufferable brat our nation has for a princess.” He snapped back. Azula hadn't expected that but she had hidden bigger surprises before. Her smile only grew more, oh she was going to have fun with this one.

“Jeong Jeong.” Master Piandao said in the back. The deserter's eyes abandoned hers and looked at the man who had just said his name. The fire inside him extinguished as his gaze turned softer. Now this was weird… he gave Piandao a look very alike Zuko’s when he had told her about Sokka…

“Let’s try to keep it civilized, both of you.” Doctor Haku intervened. She diverted her gaze to him and could catch a glimpse of Zuko’s almost fed-up look.

“Thank you. Now, today’s training will be given by Fire Lord Zuko and will be mainly centered on fire. Fire Lord Zuko, you have the floor sir.” Doctor Haku announced and Azula wanted to burst from laughter right there. Zuko was teaching her? No way, not in a million years. Zuko barely knew how to not mess up the katas, much less do it as flawlessly as her. Besides, Zuko had been exiled for three years in which Azula had missed not a single day of training, she knew more forms than him for sure. What was Zuko going to teach?

“This oaf is teaching _us_ firebending?” asked the deserter. Azula hated to agree with him.

“Jeong Jeong.” Said Piandao again with the same tone as before. Not quite a reprimand, but something softer. Azula just shoots Zuko a questioning glance, trying not to appear on the same side as Jeong Jeong but clearly not on her brother's either.

“Listen, I know you may think there is not for me to teach you, but I think there is. For example, do you master the breath of fire?”

“Bullshit, you don’t know that.” Azula cut him. He couldn’t possibly know that, it was an old and discontinued fire bending techniche, it was one of the times where dragons still roamed the land. Azula thought no one could do it until she saw her Uncle do it back in Ba Sing Se. And from what she had been told she had done it too when losing the Agni Kai, but it hadn't been quite conscious since she doesn’t even remember. It seemed hard to believe Zuko knew how to do it.

“I was banished with the Dragon of the West, ‘Zula. He showed me a few tricks. Now, sit down. We are going to practice that.” He answered back. Alright, he had a point, but still. Doubtfully she did as she was told and sat down, she felt a sting in her pride watching as Jeong JKeong’s face reflected the same doubt as hers, she was supposed to be better than him and yet they were behaving very similarly.

“Focus on your inner energy; try to find your chi and feel how this grows with your breath.” Zuko said. Azula knew about the chi because ~~her best friend~~ Ty Lee was a chi blocker, if it hadn't been for that she would think it was all crap. Fire didn’t come from inside, for fire was power and power, true power, the divine bless to bend an element to your will is something you're born with. It wasn’t something that came from your chi or the energy inside of you, it was something you either had or didn’t.

Azula was very against trying on this one, however, she could see Jeong Jeong was as well. Neither of them had really begun trying and she was not going to be on the same level as him. If he didn’t try then it was left for her to do it. so she closed her eyes to match Zuko’s and breathed once, breathed twice. Nothing felt particularyt different inside her and nothing indicated she could already breath fire. Again. She breathed once, twice and nothing came out of her mouth. Again. Once, twice…again. Once, twice (what if she couldn’t do it?). Again. Once, Twice (What if she never got her fire back?). Again. Once, twice… in, out, in, out, in…

Everything was just so out of her reach, out of her control. Her fire was the one thing she could always rely on, the one thing she could take it all out, what was left of her if she couldn’t even rely on her own abilities? On her bending? On herself?...

“Everything fine there, Azula?” Doctor Haku’s voice prevents her from spiraling even further. Out of the sudden, she opened her eyes and found that everyone was looking at her. Azula couldn’t help but to feel judge, what if they all noticed she could never bring her fire back? What if they all knew somehow she was nothing wih¿thout it? What were they thinking of her? Were they mocking her? Were they-

“Azula?” Now it was Zuko’s voice. She turned her glance to her brother who looked at her with worry. She knew Zuko only wanted to help, rationally she knew that, but Agni if she didn’t want to erase that pitiful look from his face. Still, she was in no conditions to engage in a physical fight with him right now, not one she could win at least, she knew that if she even tried Master Paindao and Jeong Jeong would most like take his side and she would be outmatched. Eventually, it would end the same; with her talking. But if she talked right now she lost much less.

“I… I can't seem to get it.” She muttered, not precisely loving the idea of voicing out her weakness in front of the deserter. “I've done everything Zuko says but nothing comes out, I… I failed.” She couldn’t help but to say. It was true, and everyone could see it for themselves, there was no point in trying to hide it. She had failed.

“It’s okay, Azula. I didn't get it on my first try.” He answered. And, honestly? Fuck that answer. Of course Zuko hadn't gotten it right on his first try, he never got anything right at first. He wasn’t a prodigy, he wasn’t _her_.

“But you are you, Zuko!! I am not like you.” She snapped back. She did notice a glimpse of pain flashing through her brother’s eyes and wondered why again had she let her emotions get the worst of her. It was exhausting.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Master Piandao intervened. Neither sibling answered, they knew what it meant. Azula would have find the situation rather funny had she not been the center of it; master Piandao waiting for an answer that wouldn’t come, Zuko looking like a kicked dogfawn, Jeong Jeong looking ready for a fight that he expected to happen and doctor Haku on the background just looking at her. Everything in silence among the scene. Funny how fast had she screwed everything up. Zuko broke the silence first by saying;

“Uncle told me once that pride was not the opposite from shame, but it was its source. I can understand why you are ashamed you failed, you have always taken great pride in your bending skills. But you shouldn’t be, cause you are more than just your bending, Azula.”

They both knew what was left unsaid there, she had always too taken pride in not being him and now, the more similar she realized they were the more shame covered her. in theory she knew it was wrong, Doctor Haku had told her once that her brother was a great man mostly for the things he hadn't done than what he had. Azula knew that; she knew Zuko wasn’t cruel or mean, she knew he was a good person and there should be no shame in being compared to him, in being more like him. But that was all she had ever known, to be what Zuko was not. To cover the holes his inability left; inability to be a loyal son, a great bender, the heir his father wanted. And now that she tried to be better she could help but to feel as if she was downgrading herself to his level and feel shame for it.

Besides what Zuko said sounded as fake as it could be. Or maybe not and it was only the fact that it came from him that the words didn’t quite resonate with her. Aside from her bending, what had Azula left? Everything good in her life she had achieved through her abilities; she was who she was for her bending and not the other way around. Where else could she deposit her pride?

Azula said nothing back, she didn’t know what she could say so she just left.

The whole idea had been pointless, she was probably never going to fire bend again. it felt hopeless to even try, even more, when hand in hand with trying came personal growth. She knew she would have to face against her ideas of shame if she were to continue, but she didn’t want to. The truth was that those ideas were all she had left from her old life, from her old self. Those were the last pillars standing by and she was scared to see what could happen if she brought them down.

An object on the top of her bed caught her eye. It was a Fire Lily. Besides it, there was a small note which read “Good luck on your first training day! Remember that you have us for every step of the way. Your friends, Kuz and Lu.”. She sat in the edge and allowed herself to take a deep breath and let a few tears run down her face. Not a lot of them though, just enough. She knew facing her old beliefs and overcoming her shame pointed in the direction of getting better, and wasn’t that what they all wanted for her? her friends, her brother, the doctor… everyone who seemed that cared for her was what they wanted. And it alienated with what she wanted as well; she wanted to feel okay again, she wanted to be someone she could be proud of, she wanted to know herself and live for her. Everything had a price, and if this one was to face her fears, shame, and doubts she could pull through to achieve what she wants. But she wasn’t alone, not anymore, she had fire lilies and armbands to remind her of that. Maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

.

.

Thursday arrives and she goes to the same place of the day before when the sun hits the same position too. Zuko wasn’t around this time neither did Doctor Haku, just Master Piandao and the deserter. Well, at least this session would be interrupted by family drama. Her arrival seems to interrupt an ongoing conversation among Master Piandao and Jeong Jeong, Azula didn’t know they knew each other but she recognized how most of their interactions seemed friendly enough. Due to her interruption, all the eyes turned to her; Azula was used to be the one in the room commanding attention, however this was an entirely different situation, here she didn’t have control of her surroundings and she was here in a student position, she was here to learn, not to demonstrate or command. She couldn’t help but to feel a bit overwhelmed by the stares, she prayed to Agni not to blush, the situation was embarrassing as it was. Luckily for her, who found no words to say, Jeong Jeong broke the silence first, allowing her to have a witty response and gain back some control of the situation.

“Didn’t expect you to come back after yesterday” He said with a stern judging face. Agni, Azula hated him, how dare a deserter judge her???

“Yeah well, some of us don’t give up on the first try.”She answered back. He didn’t have to know how close she had been or how much self convincing took from her to come back. The point was she was better than him, period.

“Today, you shall be given some lessons on the art of the sword.” Finally, a way to kick this old man’s ass, Azula thought. Not only that, but she knew she still contained a turmoil of emotions inside her, this would be a nice, healthy and sane way to free them. Hopefully, she wouldn’t break her hand this time.

.

.

Jeong Jeong ~~lov-~~ cared for Piandao, he had even begun to consider him a close friend of his, the swordmaster had managed to grow into him; that had been the main reason he had agreed to do… whatever on Agni’s name all of these was.

Piandao hadn’t failed to mention to him that his therapy partner would be someone of the royal family but he had hoped for Iroh’s witless nephew, not his bratty niece who happened to be princess Azula. You see, Jeong Jeong may have gotten out just in time not to teach those two, but that didn’t mean he didn’t keep himself updated on the Royal Family gossip; after the death of his son, Iroh had come to find him for he had been his master. Lu Ten had been a fine student, one of the best in fact and not only for his domain in fire, but because he had seemed not to inherit his family violence and cruelty, he was kind and wise; but fire carried along a curse, not even him had managed to scape. In Iroh’s grief, he found a friend in Jeong Jeong and they had remained somewhat in touch over the years, that’s how he keep himself updated with what happened inside the Fire Nation and thanked each day having gotten out of there. He knew who and what princess Azula was; a prodigy hardly goes unnoticed; and then, when they had acquired the task to free Ba Sing Se, it hadn't been a secret who had taken the city down. Even if it had been everything he fought against, Jeong Jeong would lie if he said there hadn't been a dash of amusement to the fourteen-year-old actions; not even his best-trained students and highest commanders had managed to take down the Earth Kingdom capital, not even Iroh who had been quite impressed as well, despite not wanting to admit it. Azula was everything the Fire Nation valued and more: smart, calculative and almost as ruthless as her father. She stood for everything he had walked away from.

And she wasn’t making it any easier, Jeong Jeong’s instant dislike for people was a trait rooted in him for all these years so he found it hard to believe having competence with her; she was very vocal in her deprecation to him as he was for hers. Yet, he had promised Piandao to make an effort, no matter how bratty, irreverent and disrespectful the girl could be. Good thing the swordmaster was there to remind him of his promise or this would have gotten out of control way too early.

Talking about Piandao, they were beginning the sword classes today, but apparently to him “sword classes” meant dumb and useless calligraphy as if that was important to hold a sword. He had explained the reasoning behind it, something about “keeping their mind sharp and fluid.”, “stamping the paper with your identity”, “ like the sword is used to stamp one’s identity on a battlefield.” And not being able to “take back a stroke of the brush” but it still sounded like a joke; Piandao was very lucky on where Jeong Jeong’s affections laid or else, the Firebender would have already sent all of this to hell.

He couldn't help but to notice the way the teenager’s face spelled “disappointment” and “rejection” all over her face, his couldn’t be actually better though.

It became worse when Paindao actually suggested they needed to _warm up_ to write their names. And Jeong Jeong didn’t want to be rude about his friend's tactics or anything, but he had been a well respected master back in the day and Azula was the princess for Agni’s sake, their calligraphy was neat, it _had_ to be. They didn’t need to warm up for writing their own fucking name. Still, he had agreed when Piandao had asked for him to trust the process and he was not about to back down or worse, letting him down. Azula must have someone to prove something to as well because she looked stubbornly committed to do as she was told, even if her resignation loud sigh indicated otherwise.

Half an hour passed down and Piandao kept making them make weird circles and lines and all kind of weird calligraphy exercises. Jeong Jeong would never have thought one could get tired of simply wrist flicks, much less sweat from it. The only comfort the previous firebending master found was that the girl in front of him looked in no better shape or state than him, in fact, Azula seamed to be in a worse state. Hadn’t she recently broken her hand? Surely Piandao remembered that detail and wouldn’t push her too far. After a solid hour, in which it seamed the swordsman was unaware or careless on the youngest state, Piandao interrupted this nonsense.

“Warm-up is over, now it's time for you to write down your name.”

“How many times are you going to make us write it?” irritably, the princess asked.

“Just once. Just one time and we are over.”

Azula and Jeong Jeong shared a glance, surely after all these absurdities there must be something more to it, right? But nothing on Piandao seemed to point towards that direction, so he simply took again the brush in his hand and did as the swordmaster indicated.

After a whole hour of overexercising his hand, Jeong Jeong’s calligraphy was no better, if something it was a bit worse than what could have been in the beginning. Nevertheless, it still showed years of discipline under the fire nation regime; tiredness was no excuse for mistakes and so he did the best he could. It wasn’t bad, it was still a neat and precise calligraphy. It could pass down as acceptable, taking in mind the previous “warm-up”. 

“Brushes done, now.” The master indicated.

“Could I try again? I´ll do better.” Azula asked. Piandao had not been paying much attention to her in particular during the whole session, just a couple glances now and then to observe how she m¿was managing her hand. But now that he did he wondered why Piandao had not interrupted this whole thing earlier. The princess looked messy; strains of hair out of place and covered her sweaty face, she had too a couple of ink smudges on her face and her clothes, but the one thing that caught this attention the most was her face; she looked distressed. More than distressed, Azula looked genuinely scared.

“No. You only get one chance.”

“Please, I-I can do better than this. I am sorry.” Jeong Jeong did not miss the way her voice had flinched. The stole a quick glance into her paper and, to his surprise, her name didn’t look half as bad. Sure, it wasn’t the neatest calligraphy but it wasn’t bad per se. and taking in mind her just healed hand, she could have done so much worse. and yet here she was, in the verge of tears for “messing” an exercise off.

“Let me see it,” Piandao asked her, she looked at him with an aggravated look and proceeded to do so. “Azula, this isn’t bad. It is almost perfect. Without missing a single bit, while she strengthened her look, she answered back:

“Almost isn’t good enough.”

Jeong Jeong didn’t even have to think twice from where had he heard that before, her grandfather had, after all, the same name as hers. Fire Lord Azulon was a strict man, unsapring, severe man. The Firebender was no stranger to his delicate politics for he had been under them when he trained future generals to the nation. Perfection and nothing else was what was expected from the royal family, and they were no exception to that rule. How many commanders and teachers hadn't been fired, expelled, or worse banished for not reaching perfection? For small almost invisible mistakes? And the punishment only got worse the higher the rank was, the closer to the family they were the more perfect they had to be. Everybody knew prince Zuko’s case, but only few knew it had been over something as petty as speaking out of turn. No wonder why the Firebender prodigy reacted in such way due to a small misstep. It had taken Jeong Jeong years to cut free from the Fire Nation’s beliefs and they still pressed in his head from time to time. 

“Azula, you did well. Sometimes in the field, things may not go the precise way we want them to go. And while it is easy to blame it on oneself, you have to consider all the conditions around you that led for this to go a certain way. You had just recovered from a broken hand, am I right?” So he was aware of that, Jeong Jeong had no clue where all of this was going, he only tried to follow through. Azula nodded. “Does it still hurt?” her eyes went big as if she had just got caught doing something bad.

“It’s okay if it still hurt, no one expected you to recover from one day to another. But if it hurts, why didn’t you ask to stop? Why didn’t you say nothing? Admitting one’s weakness is a strength in itself. A warrior must know when his limits are being reached and how not to cross them or the results might turn counterproductive.” He maid a pause. And turned to address them both. “The point of this exercise was a test to your limits; a warrior must know his limitations, know how to work around them and know what to expect when they are reaching the limit.”

Even though her expression tried to remain neutral, tears were spilling down the girls face. Jeong Jeong didn’t have to guess; she probably felt as if, either way, she just had failed this test. Sure, he would be the first one to express his ahte and disgruts towards the fire nation and the royal family for all they had done, but he couldn’t help but feel bad for this girl. Suddenly she was no longer princess Azula, the Firebender prodigy, the conqueror of Ba Sing Se, but an indoctrinated girl with fear of failure. Good thing she was getting therapy, then.

“You did well. You should be proud of yourself for having done your best and overcoming the adversities along the path as much as you could.” Piandao told her and, as he was about to put his hand on her shoulder to bring further confort, both older man couldn’t help but to notice the way she flinched. Piandao opted against it in the end and Azula just opened her eyes with a surprised expression.

“I am not going to hurt you, Azula. Failure is not to be rewarded with punishments or pain, but to be embraced as an opportunity to learn and grow. I think we can call to an end the session for today.” 

Azula was the first one to leave, and Jeong Jeong was there to comfort Piandao in whatever complicated feelings he had gotten from the whole thing.

.

.

Azula found even less will to come back after that than she had the day before. Fine! Sue her or whatever, Azula didn’t want to do this again. But it was doctor Haku’s turn and she knew he’d be, more than disappointed, sad if she didn’t show up. So she did. When she arrives its like the other times and the two men are patiently waiting for her. She feels someway for that, she is used to being the first in the room, it brings her a further feeling of control, but they always seemed to arrive before her, even shen she did arrive with five minutes of aniticpation or just on time.

“Welcome Azula, I am glad for your arrival.” Azula could bet that he wasn’t expecting of her to show up after yesterday’s disaster, someone must surely have told him. She didn’ say or do anything other than just acknowledge what he had said.

“Today we will be meditating as I ask you a couple of questions. I believe it could be useful to put in practice what Firelord Zuko demonstrated on Wednesday. You may have a seat.”

As they do as indicated, Azula can't help but to feel observed by the other firebender. Great, now he thought poorly of her after her breakdown yesterday. She had to double her efforts now to erase that pitiful look from his face.

The first half hour they spent it just like that, quietly meditating. Azula wasn’t going to try to practice what Zuko had taught them until she saw the challenge arrive; Jeong Jeong hadnt quite masteres yet but the small spark that came out with his breath was undeniable. Just as Azula was at her peak of concentration, doctor Haku’s voice interrupted them by asking;

“What do you both know of fire?” Was that some kind of joke? Maybe a trick? She didn’t know. What _wouldn't_ they know of fire, they were Firebender after all.

“Let em rephrase it,” the doctor begun and Azula could only but to assume Joeng Jeong had made a face just like her, that detonated all their confusion. “What do you think of Fire? What is it?”

Just as Azula was about to answer that that was a stupid question, Jeong Jeong spoke first;

“A curse.” And oh, that was not quite what Azula was expecting. From how she saw it, Fire was nothing but a blessing; they didn’t need the element to be around to create it, they made it. They controlled heat and fire and were blessed by Agni themself, if Fire was something it was certainly not a curse.

“Could you expand on that, Jeong Jeong?” the doctor asked. Azula would have been so ready to end this man whole career, if only he had not beaten herself to do so, for saying something as stupid as he had, but she was willing to give him a chance to further humiliate himself.

“Fire is a horrible burden to bear. Its nature is to consume and without control, it destroys everything around it. Fire is unlike other elements, it consumes and demands domination over it; water brings healing and life, water flows free. But fire brings only destruction and pain. It forces those of us burdened with its care to walk a razor's edge between humanity and savagery. Eventually, we are torn apart trying not to destroy oneself and everything you love.”

Azula would have really liked to focus only on his inherent dramatism, but the words overlapsed it and pierced through her head with strength; because his words, in their core, were the exact same Azula would use to describe fire. Fire was a weapon, it brought destruction within. And if someone knew the magnitude of control it took to be an excellent Firebender it was her if someone knew the pain and damage fire could bring, was the girl who had stood and watched as her own father pressed his burning hand against her brother and if someone knew the line between humanity and monstrosity was her, the child whose own mother thought as a monster.

She can't help but agreeing with him and wonders if they even are that different after all. A thought that simply doesn’t sink inj well; for all along she had been striving for being better than Jeong Jeong, cause there was no way she was in any way similar to a traitor, to a deserter. Except that she was. She became overwhelmed and, subconsciously or not, she applied yesterday’s teachings into these;

“I would like to retire, please. I’ll be ready to come back tomorrow, I promise, I just need some time.” Azula said, still in awe of how Jeong Jeong had just voiced her thoughts and how much they ahd in common, it was scary cause all her life she thought of him as a coward and a coward couldn’t possibly have her ideas.

Maybe doctor Haku had been right and this man was worth giving a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the Arm Bands I took inspiration from this post: https://atlaculture.tumblr.com/post/628361918726504448/cultural-anatomy-agni-kai-armbands. I love that blog and wanted to include tiny details like this one!!!  
> Also, continuing with "Things of the English language that make no sense to Dany" we have:  
> -Deserter, cause in my head is written like "desertOr" because it SOUNDS LIKE AN O (and that's how it is written in Spanish and I deadass thought it was the same as in English)  
> -Nozzle... just wtf, like what is that? I looks made up, just look at it, it has a Z, then another Z, and then an L like WAY TOO MANY CONSONANTS WTF?? And it doesn't seem what it means right? I thought it was some kind of pasta or something sleep related, idk


	19. I ended up here pouring out my heart to a stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training ensures, Jeong Jeong and Azula start opening up to each other and find that it can be learned a lot from each other. Bonding ensures. Then we skip forward into their last day of training, in which Zuko brings back some memories of the past and offers a solution to what made them start in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I am back!!!! I am so sorry for making you wait so long!!  
> Last chapter, this was my only work, then ATLA Winter femslash arrived and I wrote A LOT. Originally I was just writing one long-ass fic (A College AU), but instead, I ended up writing three different fics for three days and left two WIPS incomplete, which I didn't want to rush as much for my inspiration got super drained with those three fics (am I obviously doing myself publicity? of fucking course, they took me days to write and I would really appreciate it if you gave them a read)  
> Well, after that, it was a bit hard to come back to this chapter, because I had forgotten some of the main ideas for it even though I had written them down, the words just wouldn't flow, but in the end, I managed. I am so excited about what is coming next!!! I can't wait to write it, but sadly school has just begun for me and I cannot compromise with a fixed schedule as much as I would like, most surely I will try to write at least one chapter for every two weeks.  
> Anyway, I would also like to thank you for waiting for me, I really appreciate it!! Thanks for all the kind comments and kudos, they are really appreciated!!  
> I hope you had a nice weekend!!  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77, feel free to message me any time!!

“Zuko, why don’t you do perform a form, I want to explain something, would you?” Doctor Haku told her brother the next Wednesday he came.

Azula was still having trouble handling her wounded pride of having her stupid, _non-prodigy_ brother to try to teach her something new; when she had discussed it with Doctor Haku on her personal session on Sunday he had said to think about it from another perspective, one where Zuko was doing this for her and she could come up to appreciate it, so she tired. She was really trying, but it was very hard, especially when Zuko came upon with bullshit like… this.

Even though Zuko’s performance had improved so much since the last time she had been eleven and watched him humiliate himself with his weak stances, they were still far from perfect, unlike hers. While she had been rigorously training under her father’s nose all the time, Zuko had their Uncle to teach him. Uncle Iroh wasn’t a bad bender per se, but he lacked from the iron fist she had grown up under; he could let pass a tiny detail that people like her and Jeong Jeong definitely noticed.

Another thing that made Azula doubt her brother’s talent was the Kata he was performing. She knew them all, back to front, with their many variations even. And yet the movements that were being done in front of her remained unrecognizable for her. What was he doing? That didn’t look right… it looked as if he was _dancing_. Where on Agni’s name would Zuko have learned how to dance? Not even his uncle had education in such matters, after all, it wasn’t _proper_.

“What do you see?” Doctor Haku asked her and Jeong Jeong, who was sited net to her watching the performance with the same intrigue as hers.

“A thousand mistakes, his stance is weak, his knees are way too bent to bring him the balance this requires, his feet are not steady enough and his punches are weak. I’d give it a 6, at max a seven.” She answered back. Azula felt almost proud for having been nice.

“Don’t focus on his form, watch beyond that. What can you see?” the doctor further inquired. What was there more to see? The way his breath is uncontrolled or his lack of simultaneity in his movements?

“I… I Don’t know” Azula answered. She knew that that was not the answer the other was looking for.

“Jeong Jeong, would you like to contribute?”

“No. The oaf doesn’t seem to know what he is doing!” the traitor answered. Which, fine, Azula would give him a point, her brother had clearly no doubt of how to perform a nice kata. But something boiled insider her hearing Jeong Jeong call him oaf. Sure, Zuko wasn’t brilliant, but he wasn’t an oaf!!!

“You should have some respect for your Fire Lord, traitor.” She began. “Only I can call him out, now shut that irreverent mouth of yours before I-”

“Let me help you in this.” Doctor Haku intervened, making her threat die in her throat. Azula knew that Jeong Jeong didn’t present problems with his bending like hers, nevertheless, she felt angry enough to shoot threats at him. “Zuko may not have the best posture or all the technicisms dominated, but really look at him, is that the first thing that highlights from his performance?” Azula wanted to answer that yes, that was what stood out in it, but for the second time she found her words being stolen.

“I don’t think so, what I see is a young man full of passion. Really look at him, look at his movements, sure they may not be perfect, but they have life beneath them. That is fire. Zuko’s passion, Zuko’s life can be seen through his movements, he is giving his all to it, committing to the very moment. This, this is fire. And it’s a fire that everyone has, bender or not, it is what keeps us alive, a flame within ourselves that never fade. Can you see it?”

“I think you are full of crap.” Azula spitted. It was not weird when Azula talked back to doctor Haku, but it was weird when she cursed in front of him, even more against him. She felt as if she would disrespect him by doing so, but this time she did not care; she felt as if he was disrespecting the old art of bending fire by his lame explanation.

Life? Fire wasn’t life, and she would know. Fire annihilated and burned. Fire was destruction, control. Not something that keeps you alive, but rather something that consumes you from the inside. Restless training days and sessions where she ended out of breath were proof of it.

Yet she knew he had not meant any bad by it, just like Zuko didn’t mean anything by teaching her. Deep down, Azula knew that that antagonist feeling inside of her was hers, not theirs.

“Sorry, that was mean. I guess I am just mad I can’t see it.” She brought herself to say, but doctor Haku didn’t seem mad at her for being rude.

“It’s fine, it is difficult to see it at first. I think it is opportune to end this session today.” And with that, he left.

.

.

The next morning, Azula spotted Jeong Jeong on their usual training spot, but he was alone and meditating. It wouldn’t have come much as a surprise had it not been too early for their training, and he was alone. She had never seen the Firebender without the swordmaster by his side. If Azula was quite honest she would admit she had expected to see more out of one of the most respected fire bending masters the Fire Nation had had, she had wanted to see him in action using his true abilities. She disliked the tired, angsty old man façade he put on, especially when she could still see the fire behind his eyes. He still had it in him, unlike her who could barely lit a flame over her finger now. And yet he refused to engage and instead, he would just sit there peacefully and meditate. How pathetic.

Still, her respect for him had come back if only a little after their last session together. She still had trouble thinking about him s some kind of equal, all her life every time his name had been mentioned had not been for good things, they had degraded his name so much she was still letting the idea sink of his as something more. Which was kind of unfair, to be honest, the man in front her was not Master Jeong Jeong anymore, he was an old mine trying to gain back some connection with his fire and trying to find peace on his relationship with it; she still couldn’t decide whether that made him more or less out of him.

Azula sighed. She had told Zuko and Doctor Haku she would at least try to be decent with him, and she hadn’t been much lately, she hadn’t even tried. And being the smart girl Azula was he could recognize that this, the group therapy sessions and training, was for the long run, so the least she could do was to try to carry it graceful, so the experience could be if something tolerable for them. Azula didn’t knew much how to be _nice_ precisely, but she could try not to be mean which was almost the same, right? Ugh, it would be so much easier if she just gave in her cruelty, that was easy for her. But if she had learned something these few past month was that nothing worth it ever came easy, so much for the luck her father always claimed was born upon her. 

The princess approached the old man meditating. She didn’t know how to start conversations, much less one without second intentions like this one. She sighed loud enough to announce her presence and try to give the deserter the clue for him to start the conversation and took off that burden from her. He didn’t even open his eyes to look at her, Azula wasn’t feeling lucky at all. Well, here goes nothing. Azula cleared her throat.

“May I sit here with you?” she asked, not even earning back an open eye from him.

“I believe you are free to sit wherever you want. I don’t own this spot.” Who would have thought that the old man could be such a petty, fucking pretentious person? Azula would be amused hadn’t his pettiness been directed towards her.

She took a deep breath, she was not here to taunt him or begin a passive-aggressive conversation, she could to better than answer to his provocations.

“Obviously I know that. I was just asking if you were comfortable with me doing so.” She answered back as she took the spot next to him to sit in. He looked as if he was practicing some basic breathing exercises, Azula decided to imitate him but apparently nothing she ever did was good enough to win his attention.

Azula had always had a way to make situations, and anything else, work in her favor. She was an expert on manipulating the phrasing of the things so they would accommodate the way she wanted them to, that had earned her many victories in her life and this time it would not be different. While for many people the lack of response of Jeong Jeong would be looked as counterproductive in her way to establish a conversation, Azula looked at it with new eyes; if he wasn’t willing to answer her back or give any sign back then, it could be easy to pretend he wasn’t there. The constant humiliation of talking to a traitor wouldn’t be able to find her if she just pretended, as well as him, that he _wasn’t_ there.

She closed her eyes as well and focused on the air entering and leaving her lungs. She pictured herself alone in the green grass and allowed the warm feeling the summer sun brought with it travel her face. She could do this.

“I wanted to tell you the reason I left so abruptly yesterday,” She began, Jeong Jeong remained soundless. Good. “I still have some trouble identifying my own feelings and letting them out on a non-harmful way, for both me and others. Do you know how I broke my hand?” he didn’t answer back, just as she was counting on him not to. “You must have heard it was a training accident, which isn’t entirely a lie but isn’t yet the whole truth. And apparently omission of information counts too as lying. I can’t really say I am that surprised for that, Zuko says I excel at lying, but I do too with the withholding of information to make it work for me.”

Azula had not been expecting how easy it came to admit things and talking about herself and her problems when no one was around to hear them. It was comforting too the lack of visual she had, she couldn’t see his eyes to see if there was judgment in them.

“Anyway, I broke my hand when I punched my room's wall. I was trying to go back into training and couldn’t bring up my fire. Do you know that? I hope not, I never gave anyone permission to discuss my lack of fire bending. But that is the reason for these… sessions.” She made a pause. She didn’t know exactly where she wanted to go but for some reason just being heard was enough for her to leave shame and fear behind and just open up to the sun and the man next to her.

“I used to not know what the hell you were doing here too. First of all, I have never had a training partner before. No one was good enough to share that privilege. Or that was what my father told me, not even my own brother. I wonder if you would have trained me different had you been my master.” She had never said that bit out loud, how excited she had been for him to be her teacher, he had a reputation, but that was back before she knew the whole of his reputation.

“Secondly and most importantly, I didn’t think you and I would have nothing in common to pair us up together in this whole thing. You are a deserter, a traitor to our nation, and, most importantly, a coward. I am none of those things if something we are quite opposite in that spectrum. But I am willing to give you this, we both have a thing for dramatism.” She chuckled. Azula had always thought that a bit of drama to enhance her whole being wouldn’t kill anybody. Later she had considered that dramatism ran in the family; her father was not a humble man and Zuko was just the king of being dramatic and exaggerated. She was considering that maybe it wasn’t a family thing but more of a Fire bender’s stuff, maybe that was the _curse_ Jeong Jeong had ranted about the other day. 

She knew she had pushed it a bit too far by calling him out and insulting him when he was literally next to her, more even because she had just admitted vulnerability through the loss of her bending; she had exposed herself, and yet he hadn’t even said a word against her insults.

“But that is not the only thing we have in common is it?” she asked without really expecting an answer back. “What I mean is that I get it, alright? The whole _Fire is a curse and we are doomed_ speech you gave yesterday.”

“How could you possibly understand the true meaning of fire? A brat who has seen herself benefited from the destruction it brings within. How could you possibly understand the control it requires nor to let it consume you?”

 _Oh_. Azula hadn’t expected that from all the things she had said that would be the one to trigger a response out of him. Well, she had gotten into this and now it was time to play along and continue.

“Oh, trust me, I understand. What did you say? That Fire brings destruction? Did you just miss the part of me breaking my own hand because of the fire?”

“But that was not Fire, that was just the tantrum of a little girl.” Okay, now Azula got pissed. How dared him insinuate she didn’t know the meaning of fire? But it was fine, she could still take it, or she would have had he not said the following words next.

“You are just a spoiled princess who thinks is entitled to bring destruction with her just because you can fire bend.”

And with that, Jeong Jeong had ended with any trace of intention Azula had of not being mean and not losing control over this.

“Oh no, I get it. You are just like everyone else, aren’t you? You think I am a monster. You think I walk around enjoying hurting people, right? Well I don’t. I _fucking_ don’t. Do you think I do not know of the destruction and control it takes to fucking fire bend?” she paused, she couldn’t recognize the tone in her own voice, it sounded… unhinged “Zuko told me that our uncle had once told him that to light bend you needed peace of mind. Can you believe it? That is all bullshit. _Peace of mind_. Do you think ever since watching my brother’s face get burned by my own father, I had any kind of _peace of mind_? I was next if I didn’t behave. Peace of mind my ass, on my worst days I could easily Light bend because it doesn’t require peace it requires control.” Azula took a deep breath. She had not moved from where she was but not much by choice, she felt herself frozen in that very spot.

“But you know what? Fuck you. I do not give a damn what you think of me. My own mother thought I was a monster, my uncle, my father even my own brother followed. So, if you think that you thinking that is all I am too can affect me at this point, then you are just fucking delusional.”

Silence fell upon them the. Jeong Jeong looked at her with a strange look on his face, a mix between pity and sadness upon him. Azula felt her blood boil, how dare he? How dare he pity her? She was not to be pitied; she was to be feared; respected. But this? This was what she got for trying to be nice and establish a conversation, this is what she gets for trusting him. Just… fuck him.

Azula turned her gaze away, closed her eyes, and tried to breathe her anger away. No matter how much she wanted to attack the man next to her, a fight she would most likely win because not only was she a prime fighter, but she had the advantage of age and grace upon her still, she did not. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she could see Zuko’s disappointed face in her head if she did and hear Doctor Haku’s words reprimanding her for it. Besides she had gotten so far, she would not throw it all away just because a traitor messed with her hair. Instead, she focused on her breath. She opened her eyes only to see her mother in front of her giving her the same pitiful stare Jeong Jeong had carried along with him just seconds ago.

“I didn’t say I thought you were a monster.” It wasn’t her mother talking, but the man next to her. Azula almost didn’t hear him, anger still deafening her senses in more than one way.

“What?” she muttered back. Her mom kept looking at her with those sad eyes of hers, why wasn’t she speaking now? Usually, when Azula saw her, she never managed to make her shut up, but now not a word came out of her mouth.

“I said, I don’t think you are a monster.”

“You don’t?” Azula skeptically asked back.

“Not more than me at least. We are both fire benders after all.” Oh, again with the Fire bending shit. Azula would have liked to tell him that her being a bender had nothing to do with her own monstrosity, that she was cruel with or without it, but somehow didn’t think he would listen if she did so, so she kept the thought to herself.

“Where did you get that idea? Of your mother thinking of you that way? ”Jeong Jeong asked her, Azula found herself surprised by how he managed to keep the conversation going and it hadn’t ended up with her storming out or yelling at him. She would take pride in her progress later when all the anger had left her body at all.

“She said it. And if she didn’t, she very much implied it.” She answered. Azula knew better than to tell the truth… on most times. But right now? Right now Jeong Jeong was one of the first person to ask her about it and she had never opened up to someone this fast, she had never let words flow out her mouth with such sincerity; it was a risky leap of faith that she, in spite of herself, took.

“And the others? Your father? Your brother told you that?” he inquired. Azula hadn’t actually thought he had been listening at her previous angry demeanor with such attention, she might be regretting somethings that she said. Not because she didn’t mean them, but because she meant them too much.

“Well, my father didn’t have to. I recently discovered that he loved me for not being like Zuko; nice, kind, _not a monster_. My uncle thinks I am way beyond salvation, he thinks I am bound to be like my father. And Zuko… no, he doesn’t think of me that way. At least not now.”

Jeong Jeong didn’t say anything back for a while, not that Azula could predict what he would say next. The whole conversation had gone out of her control for a while and, for the first time, she wasn’t fighting to gain it back.

.

.

“But most of those are more suppositions from you than their actual words. Why do you think of yourself in such way?” Jeong Jeong asked.

If you had asked Jeong Jeong just a few hours earlier how he thought, he would spend the afternoon he could have never predicted this outcome. He should admit if only to himself, it had been up to some degree his fault the Princess’s reaction; he had talked out of spite and denial to be anything like the teenage girl. However, it had never been quite his intention to provoke her such rage.

“Why do _you_ think of _yourself_ in such way?” She retorted back, which was, okay, fair. Jeong Jeong had his reasons to despise the fire that lived beneath his skin and kept him living in a burning, controlled rage, he was not one to judge others' recognition for their own monstrosity, even if seemed more like a personal conception rather than the burden fire brought within.

“I mean it is not as if they are not right. I am. I told you, it doesn’t hurt anymore.” She answered him back.

And oh, if Jeong Jeong couldn’t understand that. How many years had he lived with an awful pain inside himself? With a burning, no water would ever be able to calm down? With violent flames that consumed his inside and just wouldn’t extinguish? There had been a point, before acceptance and giving in, that the idea of salvation still haunted his mind, he thought he could get himself free for the destruction curse that it had been set upon him. But he had accepted his true nature a while ago; he was a monster too, and as soon as he accepted it any hope of change had burnt into ashes with him. And the princess was right, it didn’t hurt anymore for there was no longer hope. Acceptance wasn’t painful in itself, but the path towards it, letting go of any hope in change, that was what truly burned. But she was just so _young_.

“Yeah. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” He replied.

He had had his fair years into accepting his true nature and trying his best to keep it dormant and controlled, but he hadn’t been like that at all at fifteen. She was just fifteen, not even a third of his age and she had already subdued into eternal damnation. Jeong Jeong knew that she wasn’t broken beyond repair like he was, even if the curse of fire _would_ haunt her for life, there were those other aspects she talked about that could still offer a better fate than ashes.

It was almost funny, how this conversation had started by him trying to get as far from possible from Princess Azula as possible, denying their possible similarities even. And now, Jeong Jeong couldn’t think of anyone more like him than her. Not because of their life experiences or the path they had taken, but because the heavy realization that comfortable laid inside their heads.

“Anyway, before you fucking ruined it with your angst, I was trying to say I am sorry for the way I behaved in the past. I don’t think we are that different, you and I.” the princess continued, much calmer than mere moments ago. Jeong Jeong could recognize the control she bragged about in her emotions right now, even though her words were not nice he could recognize no real venom behind them.

“Maybe we are not, after all.” He replied back. When silence came this time, it wasn’t as heavy nor as loud as it had been the few couple last times.

Jeong Jeong fell back into his meditation exercise he was doing before being interrupted by the other Firebender. He could sense her trying to copy him and really putting an effort into meditating, however, her troubled mind was loud enough for him not to be able to ignore it, but he was in no way pressuring her into talking, he had realized that the best way to make Azula talk was to let her talk.

“Do you think that they are right? Do you think there is an actual possibility of Fire being more than… this?” she asked.

The question surprised him because he had been quick to discard the previous lesson, his mind hadn’t even considered the option of hope remaining yet. But hers had, and no matter how much Jeong Jeong didn’t want to break her illusions he couldn’t bring himself to lie to her, not when she had been so open and honest. Azula deserved the same she had so willingly offered, besides if he did lie, he knew he would be caught, and he wasn’t one to underestimate the Fire Princess either.

“Honestly I do not.”

“Yeah, didn’t think so.” Azula answered, however, she didn’t sound disappointed, just resigned. “I better go.” she said as she stood from where she was sited and shook off the dust from her clothes.

“Azula,” he called her before she left entirely. “I appreciate and accept your apology.” He saw the princess taken aback in surprise, she almost smiled.

“I-Thanks. I wasn’t really expecting that.” She admitted.

“Neither did I,” Jeong Jeong began. Before saying the next part, he took a deep breath, he was a proud man and it took him everything to say: “You are not half as bad as I thought and I owe you an apology too.”

“Don’t let me keep you waiting.” And weren’t he mature enough to actually recognize that hadn’t been an actual apology from his side, he wouldn’t have said anything to that cocky, bratty comment. But he was more mature than he was prideful.

“I am sorry. I should have listened to what you had to say first.” He said, trying his best to ignore Azula’s smirk. Agni, she made the whole liking her thing almost an impossible task sometimes.

“Apology accepted,” She replied, her tone obnoxious and entitled. Jeong Jeong was almost regretting ever apologizing, almost. “you know? I almost like you when you are not buried in your dramatism. That doesn’t mean I am not kicking you ass when they give us real sword training.” Luckily for him, he knew how to play her harmless and meaningless game; he knew she needed to restore some walls she had just demolished back again, and that there was no real evil intention in her, it was just her way to be, and Jeong Jeong could deal with loathsome teenagers like that.

“In your wildest dreams, brat.” He replied. Azula's smirk turned into a smile.

“We’ll see about it, deserter.” And with that, she left him behind to his meditation, which came easier as his mind had been recently cleansed.

.

.

Azula ducked and took a step backward, blocking with her wooden sword Jeong Jeong’s strike.

She remembers being just fifteen and going against the old man for the first time; she had made sure not to underestimate him and yet she hadn’t been able to be excited by the possibility to kick his ass. She remembers being fifteen and thinking she had luck by her side since birth and never even considered the option of failure as an opportunity to learn. He had kicked her butt that first day, and she had been mad for the days that came next. It took her two sessions with Doctor Haku and a talk with her brother so she could see past her deception.

Everything had happened fast and yet not fast enough; there had been days in which Azula had refused to train only to come back the next day, there had been times she and Jeong Jeong got into terrible messy arguments and Zuko and Piandao had to intervene before they killed each other, there had been ~~fights~~ arguments with her brother as well, about dumb silly small things and over big important ones. But now, Azula was almost seventeen and couldn’t help but to feel proud of how far she had come.

Ever since she had learnt she had not been born lucky, in more than one way, if something she learnt to recognize the unfairness life had brought upon her many times and the one, she had brought upon others in consequence. Luck had nothing to do with her ups and downs, it was all her; for better or for worse. And luck would have nothing to do now, that she won against Jeong Jeong, it was all her. She had lost that first day they had sparred for the first time when she was fifteen, but she was not losing today. Almost two years after that first defeat and Azula already knew all his moves, but he knew her well too.

Jeong Jeong kept approaching and tricking his wooden sword at her and Azula was quick to cover but not enough to find an opening to attack.

But it was fine, she had learned patience in the almost three years she had been here; she had learned to take deep breaths and focus on them as time passed by but she had also learned to take quick continuous ones to keep her movement steady and long. Zuko liked to practice broth with her, though patience had never been his strong suit, it had always been Azula the one that could see the big picture on the long run, who took her time to cook her future plans. Her brother, on the other hand, had always been the one to do things and expect instant consequences, never visualizing into the long run, a quality that a Fire lord must not only have, but excel in if he wanted to have a long, well and peaceful reign. Azula couldn’t count down the times she had been the one helping her brother out on such problems; he kept coming all Tuesdays in all the three years, but sometimes he arrived perturbed, uneasy about all the troubles the Fire nation brought within, and it was her who took upon the task to calm him down and suggested for him to help her meditate when it was Zuko who needed it most. He would always thank her in the end.

Of course, it was mostly the other way around. Zuko calming her down on some of her less frequent attacks and comforting her during her process. But mostly, it wasn’t that one relied on the other the most, but both of them together. They had talked and talked a lot, during their birthdays always came as a gift and a curse the heaviest of talks but those had been necessary for them to heal. And while there was still subjects to work upon, they had reached a long way since their last Agni Kai. Neither of them had even pictured back then they would ever reach the point their relationship had reached; Azula could even say now she loved her brother. And Agni she did, or else she would not have helped him as much with dealing with his inner politics affairs or tried her best everyday to become a better version of herself. And now she knew Zuko loved her too because he had never, ever given up on her.

It wasn’t the finish line yet, she knew, but the time where she had once punched a wall out of anger seemed so far now. She still got angry and yelled things she would later regret, she still was sometimes too hard on herself, but she had too learned to let go of small mistakes. The best part? It had been more than six months ever since she last saw her mom; she didn’t say goodbye either this time, but Azula had. She had been ready to let her go, to let herself stop being hunted by fears and doubts that crept her head, and still, she could focus now on facing them.

Lately, life had been for them the most enjoyable it had been. Azula had had to say goodbye to one for her friends, who had been discharged a year ago. But she had learned a lot from her bonsai classes, and she had kept cultivating their friendship through letters. And she had made new friends as well, she was proud now to call Jeong Jeong her friend. Friends who still had arguments and teased each other to no end, but friends, nevertheless. He still called her brat and she still addressed him as deserter, but they both knew there was no true meaning to their words. Alongside JJ came master Piandao, whom more than a master had become some kind of mentor to her as well; he was always patient with her and taught her many things on failure and the opportunity it brought with him.

And doctor Haku. Doctor Haku had been one of the best; always so patient with her, always so comprehensive; that didn’t mean he let her get away with everything, he still called her out when she did wrong and made her face the consequences but he was never the one to bring them upon her, he just encourage her to face them with grace.

It was weird, how despite having had once a father, a mother, a brother, and a couple of friends, Azula had never felt as loved as she did in the place, she found herself now.

Well, not now _now_ , now the only task in mind was to kick JJ’s ass.

Amazingly, the old man was fast and strong. She knew that already, which made her space to think on his weakness and exploit them; he was not as graceful as her and she had speed too by her side. She docked his attack and put an end to them as she maneuvered herself out of his way and dogged to his side to begin her attack.

If one thing hadn’t changed over the past three years had been her desire to win; Azula never grew out of her ambition, which was good because, accordingly to doctor Haku, it was her ambition to do better what had led her so far. Her motives behind it on the other hand… Azula wanted to beat the old man, not for the same reasons that she had two years ago when she wanted to humiliate him for his cowardness towards the nation, towards _her_ , but now, she was doing it for training reasons, an ongoing bet she supposedly had no knowledge about among her brother and Piandao, a little bit of fun and, most importantly, because she could. She could do it, or she could not, and that choice was finally hers to have and no one else. Azula couldn’t remember a time she had done things for herself and just because she wanted to.

Jeong Jeong dodged her attack but she was quick enough to strike another again to give him no time to make a come back out of that.

Azula was confident in her skills, she knew that if she set her mind to it, she would most likely achieve it. Or maybe not, she had been in peace with that idea for a while; that sometimes not even her best of efforts would be enough to get the results she wanted back. That didn’t mean it was a complete loss of time, she could learn from the situation and use that knowledge in the future again, and again and again. So sure, she wanted to win this time, badly, but she knew that if she lost it wouldn’t be the end of the world, not anymore. It would merely mean there was still space to grow. She had also learned that sometimes what she wanted and what she got did not always aligned; not because she did her best and tried her hardest it meant that she deserved to win, Jeong Jeong didn’t owe her his victory over her wishes and efforts. And it was okay, it really was now.

This time, however, her efforts did give fruits and soon she found herself pointing her wooden sword at JJ’s throat, he raised his hands in sign of defeat and dropped his sword. Azula smirked, and he smiled back at her. Just as she did sometimes when he beat her. Azula let her sword down and took a step back as she bowed down as a sign of respect to both her partner and the fight he had put. Then, both of them turned to where Piandao was watching them and bowed too, he returned it back.

“I am proud to tell you that you have both showed enough knowledge, skill and growth to become master’s swordsmen, now the next step would be the creation of your own sword. The sword more than a weapon, is a tool; it becomes of it what you decide to use it for. It can bring destruction, but it can bring peace too.” Azula would lie if she claimed that such announcement didn’t brought her excitement.

“Before that, I believe Fire lord Zuko wants to have a word with both of you first.” Master Piandao said. Zuko took a step forward to where Master Piandao was.

“Before you do your sword with master Piandao, I figured that a little bit of fire could be of help for that.”

Azula, ironically, froze to the mention of fire. Even though her progress had been more than successful, she still couldn’t’ Fire bens as she once could, the furthest she had gotten was a flame the size of her hand and to control her body temperature, but nothing more than that. And her flame remained orange still. Was Zuko thinking she could possibly melt the metal and forge her sword with her small orange not-even-hot flame? Either he was dumb and had forgotten about that tiny detail or he was mocking her. Even though Azula had learnt to trust her brother more, old habits die hard and it was her first instinct to mistrust his intentions, even if her rational part of her brain told her it was unwise.

“What are you talking about Zuzu?” she asked, a little bit too defensively.

“I think it is time for you to get your fire back.”

Azula couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Was it possible? Azula had once thought that the key to regaining her fire was these whole training and therapy group sessions and now it turned out there was another final step? The real final one? Was it a reality she would be able to summon her blue fire, Agni even full lightning again?

Zuko must have recognized the shook in her face for he continued to explain with more detail.

“We are going on a trip to visit some Fire Masters. When I lost my own fire, they helped me gain it back. They helped Aang too to overcome his fear for the element. I hadn’t told you all of this before because you needed to learn some vital things before you could visit them; Fire can be dangerous and wild, so as a Firebender, you, _we_ all need to be careful and control our bending, so we don't hurt people unintentionally. Not even ourselves.”

Azula knew that last line had been direct to her. And while she did feel a small amount of anger against her brother for hiding her such things and not telling her what she had been really training for all this time, she could understand where he was coming from. The first time she had wanted to get back into shape and train she had broken her hand out of rage; she was so out of control back then even if she wanted to think she wasn’t; she had been so out of touch with her emotions that these poured freely out of her, getting the best and worst of her, burning everything they touched. Maybe if he had told her back then what she was training for it would have never been an honest growth; she would have never done things for herself and just to improve as she did now and instead she would have focused on the goal and that would have made her sink in the misery of her failures even further than when she didn’t know she was training for a certain goal. Maybe Zuko had taken a risky, but assertive decision by not painting the whole picture from the beginning; she wasn’t so sure if things would have turned out the same. Besides it wasn’t like she didn’t know what she was training for; she had begun on an attempt to win her fire back but as it grew further out of her reach, she let that goal fade away. So now that the possibility was being presented so brightly in front of her well… it was hard to believe. But she wanted to.

“If you all agree, I think it would be best for us to leave a week from now. That way, Jeong Jeong will have time to organize his things.”

“Me? I am going as well?” Azula hadn’t seen that coming, if she was honest. The bending of her old friend was just fine, there was no need for him to come along. Not that it bothered her though, it was just… curious.

“Yes. I think it could be a valuable lesson for you as well.” Jeong Jeong turned to her and gave her a questioning look as if she understood her brother’s plans any better. Azula shrugged.

“I’ll go only if Azula is fine with it.” He answered back. Azula couldn’t quite figurer why he placed such decision upon her, but it felt nice to be considered.

“I wouldn’t mind. I want you to come, we have come this far together, and I would like it if you stan by my side as we finish this.” She answered him, Jeong Jeong gave her a genuine smile. She rolled her eyes, was this the angsty dramatic old man she had once hated?

“Then it is agreed. We’ll go on next Wednesday, then Master Piandao, they will be ready to forge their swords.”

“Very well.”

Azula felt all kind of strange, was this some kind of goodbye? Were they ending something she didn’t know it could end?

“And after we do that, what happens next?” she asked. She had a feeling culmination was upon her.

“I think it would be in place to only focus on that for now. We can discuss later the next steps ahead.” Doctor Haku answered.

Azula didn’t know what to think of everything at the moment, but she knew how to read between the lines enough to know their training days were closest to an end than they had ever been. Would she be discharged? As Lu? And if she was, where would she go? Was there still place waiting for her in the real world? Would she keep in touch with Jeong Jeong? Would they train together again from time to time? Would she stay anywhere near her brother? Azula felt scared, she had already lost her family once and she didn’t know if she could get through that again.

A hand against her shoulder calmed her down, and she looked straight into her brother’s eyes. They were alright, his eyes said. Yes, they were all alright then and they would continue to be. That was what she chose to believe.


	20. Interlude part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When I was a child, I'd sit for hours/ staring into open flame./Something in it had a power/could barely tear my eyes away./ All you have is your fire/ and the place you need to reach./ Don't you ever tame your demons/ always keep them on a leash"  
> -Arsonist's Lullaby  
> .  
> .  
> Summary: flashback into Azula’s first journey with her fire when she was a child, her blue fire, and her lightning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I know some of you are very excited over Azula and Jeong Joeng visiting the Fire Masters... which is exactly why those (yes, plural) chapters will take a little longer to cook. If I am being honest,t I am scared not to reach my expectations on writing such scenes, so I'll probably need more time to edit.  
> But I really wanted to write this one beforehand, like me last time an insight into Azula's view's of Fire before they change.  
> I hope you enjoy it!!!  
> You can find me on Tumblr like @ynad-77, feel free to message me any time!!  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated. I hope you have a nice weekend!!

Zuko’s flame was late to arrive, that was what Azula had heard her father say that day.

Amidst all the excitement she, her brother, and even her mother had felt, her father’s mixture of anger and disappointment was nothing but disconcerting for the three of them. Azula had been a smart girl even then, she knew better than her five-year-old brother whose feelings always laid too in the open, even if he wasn’t stupid enough to cry in front of Father he didn’t conceal it in front of the other servants around, so the word would get to him in the end anyhow. Azula wasn’t dumb like that, Azula knew better than to cry where she could be spotted, a couple of years forward she would know better than to cry at all.

But Azula was three now and she didn’t like to see her brother sad or her father angry. It had been a real letdown after such exciting news. Azula was the first person Zuko showed his fire to; she remembers that day as it had been just yesterday. She was in her room, her training session had ended a couple of hours ago and she was playing alone with a couple of wooden toys, when suddenly, her door was slammed open. She almost jumped out of fear, but she did not, in fear it was her father, he wouldn’t like seeing her startled.

It wasn’t her father but rather her brother. Zuko rarely burst into her room in that way, mother and father educated them well for them never to enter unannounced or at least by knocking beforehand, however, Zuko’s lack of manners wasn’t the thing that stood out the most, but rather the overexcited and big grin that adorned his face.

“’Zula! ‘Zula!” her brother exclaimed. The small girl came closer to him. “Look! I got it! I got it!” Zuko said as he came closer to show her the thing he had, Azula got closer to. Standing in front of her brother, she directed her sight into his palms, where the smallest of flames danced in Zuko’s hands. Azula watched it in awe, she had seen Fire benders of course and she knew it was expected from them to fire bend, but she had never been able to admire such art from so close.

The small flame illuminated Zuko’s face alongside a big proud smile. Azula was almost entranced by the tiny light. Azula felt the need to touch it, somehow, she knew her brother’s fire wouldn’t burn her. But she didn’t try. They stood there, in silence for a while, just watching the small flame dance around. Their enjoyment for Zuko’s flame didn’t last, though. They had run to their mother to tell her, who had been proud as well, but not quite smart for she thought it was a good idea to share their excitement with Father.

Even at a young age, Azula knew better than that. She knew that even though her father was impatient over his son's late fire bending, she knew he wouldn’t be proud or excited over her brother’s achievement. Because in his eyes it wasn’t, it was his responsibility to be a Fire bender and it was a shame he had taken so long to report to his duty. And he didn’t doubt to let him know how much of a disappointment he was. And that hadn’t quite come as a surprise to Azula, but what did was the fact that her father was looking at her while he reprimanded Zuko. Back then she didn’t know why now it was clear; Zuko had always been a lost cause in her father’s eyes; a black empty hole that needed to be filled by her. While Zuko was late, Azula needed to be early and bright. She couldn’t afford to do the same mistakes as Zuko, not if she wanted to avoid that look in her father’s eyes, not if she wanted him to be proud.

As Azula passed Zuko’s and saw him being cuddled and recomforted, she got into her room alone. There, she sat in front pf the unlighted fireplace, she knew her father would never forgive her if she took as long as Zuko had to fire bend, and so every night since that one she stood there, in front of unburnt woods trying to light them up. And nights turned into weeks and weeks into months and the closest she was to reach Zuko’s age when he had first done it, the uneasier her father’s stare grew upon her. Azula was just about to be four years old when she found herself contemplating a small flame upon her hand and understood her brother’s first excitement and felt relieved because she knew she would not have any face Father’s madness. Azula was almost four as she found herself returning Zuko the favor and told him very first about her accomplishment. Zuko had been impressed, but he had been overall happy for her. “It will be so cool to have someone else to train with!” he had said, Azula found happiness to in the thought of spending more time with her older brother and to train by his side.

Azula was smart even then and she refused to make such as a scandal as they had done with Zuko and instead she went into her Father’s study alone and knocked the door. Politely, she entered when she was told she could, and she communicated her father she could fire bend. He didn’t look happy, but he didn’t look displeased as he had with Zuko; in fact, he even placed a hand over her head and praised her for her abilities, and yet it didn’t feel as if he was happy.

Azula found herself looking for that happiness in her father’s eyes, for something to tell her he was _proud_. But nothing ever did, he just did not look unpleased, but never quite pleased. The only comfort Azula had was that at least she was not being tossed aside and treated as bad as Zuko, who couldn’t live a day without Father’s gaze reminding him how much not _her_ he was. And Azula would have been pleased, to be closest to the top than anyone else, if only it hadn’t been Zuko she was climbing on top of; the days were they excitedly ran into each other’s rooms to show some achievement became distant when Zuko understood that Azula’s achievements were a highlight of what he couldn’t do, he made it quite clear he didn’t want to know if she could do better a form or a kata, yet that didn’t stop him from coming to her room and showing off some new trick he had learnt and they even some times shared tips to improve. And even as times grew harder and things changed and changed among them over the time, she would always keep that memory close to her heart and it would fill her with pride.

.

.

Times changed that night. Not only had Zuko made a total fool out of himself in front of their grandfather, no, that had only been the beginning of a night that would forever change their lives.

Azula hated being tossed aside; even though she was a child she was smarter than a lot of people that claimed to be wise around; like her uncle. She knew better than to think she liked dolls or being defeated in Ba Sing Se; Azula always thought that it was quite unfair, after all, Ba Sing Se had killed Lu Ten, but instead of avenging him, Uncle had retreated. What a fool. Father said that he was weak, a true general should have stayed and burn it to the ground. He never mentioned anything in relation to his nephew’s death.

Only that when he did, it wasn’t to avenge, honor or even mourn him. He only mentioned Lu Ten’s death as an opportunity for him to rise to the throne. Azula would have find herself angry because of it, Lu Ten had always been like a friend to her and now he was death. But despite her discomfort of his lack of mention, Azula didn’t say or do other than what she was told; she performed a kata for her grandfather whose name she carried. She could not let her anger and grief blocked her sight and closed her eyes, she breathed once, twice, and then she began to move. Controlled, rhythmic, and burning hot was her bending, her father looked pleased as her grandfather had. And Azula would have been proud if there had been something to be proud of; not screwing up was not something to take pride upon, honoring her grandfather’s name was not a choice but a duty she needed to accomplish well, not something to be congratulated upon. Azula delivered because she had to and because no one else would; Azula knew her role, but she often wondered what her brother’s role was.

She figured that much later that night. Azula knew it was almost logical for her father to be the next Fire Lord, he had not been the one humiliated in Ba Sing Se. But she knew too how it wasn’t his place to take and how he needed to do much more than just ask, because it was the same with her; he needed to prove himself. Azula imagined herself in his situation, asking to her father for something it wasn’t rightfully hers to take, of course he would ask her for something that proved her worth. But she could never have anticipated what Grandfather would ask from him. She had always known Zuko was not Grandfather’s or even Father’s pride, but then Azula came to the realization that he wasn’t the wished heir either; he was not even wanted. He was disposable. Neither her Grandfather nor her father hesitated for one second nor by making nor talking such suggestion.

 _Kill your first born_. Azula couldn’t help but to wonder that if it had been her would the suggestion still be the same; was it a thing of Zuko being the firstborn, or just of Zuko not being good enough? Could she have suffered the same fate? Wouldn’t her father even think twice before sacrificing her for his own sake? No. he wouldn’t do _that_ to her. Zuko was the one lucky to be born, not her; she was the lucky one. Zuko wasn’t good enough, he was disposable, _not her_. But that didn’t mean he was completely useless, at least not to her though; Zuko was nice sometimes when they weren’t bickering over silly stuff. He was fun to play with, he did with her the best sandcastles on Ember Island and always explained the plays back to her. Zuko was soft and kind, and while she knew that was a weakness most times than not, she couldn’t deny she benefited from her brother’s big heart from time to time. Like when he risked getting caught just to give her a slice of pie, or when he was always open to making a space in his bed for her to sleep in when thunderstorms and nightmares reached her.

Maybe Zuko was disposable as a Fire bender, even useless, maybe he had no place in Father’s vision of his world. But he had one in Azula’s, he was his big brother, and even though she enjoyed taunting him relentlessly that didn’t mean she wanted him dead. The thought of living without him at all had never even crossed Azula’s mind, it was something that just didn’t align. Even if with him gone it meant Azula was the next heir to the throne, and while that scenario did sound promising she wasn’t much willing to take it if it meant Zuko’s death. Azula needed to think and do it fast, she couldn’t let her father take her brother’s life but she couldn’t prevent him from grabbing the power he desired either, she was not about to betray him after trying to win his approval for so long.

Besides avoiding direct treason Azula faced another problem; would Zuko believe her? It was no secret Azula lied. But it was quite unfair that Mother had thrust upon her brother such ridiculous mantra to comfort him and guard him from her. _Azula always lies_. That was not true!! Sure, she lied way more often than him but that was only because Zuko was a terrible liar, if he was a good actor for once maybe he would take more advantage of such resourceful tool lying came as. Besides she didn’t do it _all the time_ , sometimes she just held convenient information back; that was not lying! That was omission and Azula saw nothing wrong with it, not everybody needed to know everything all the time. Zuko had paid the price in more than one occasion or her lying though, but it was mostly his fault, she never told him to go and spread her words around, creating a bigger conflict than the one they had begun with, so she relied upon her lying so her annoying older brother wouldn’t ruin her plans, small plans in comparison to the ones she would once have. Nevertheless, her mother had taken upon herself the task to protect Zuko from Azula’s lies and now it was a common thing him not to believe her. Most of the time it worked in her favor, it was a fun game to play to mess with her brother’s head on most days. But now? Things were dead serious and Azula knew that the best way to handle this was to be honest, just enough to plan fear and doubt in her brother’s mind so he could escape, and with such terrible truth fear would come with no effort into him.

Azula miscalculated for the first and last time in her life, she swore to herself the night after that, as she took off the white robes she had worn for her Grandfather’s funeral. She never saw her mother hearing her conversation with Zuko and she could have never predicted what happened after. Maybe Zuko was right, maybe it was better if she always only lies. Look at what had happened when she decided to tell the truth; her mom was gone, sure her father had successfully ascended to the throne, but her mom was gone. Zuko was safe, though. But his safety wouldn’t last much and Azula could have done nothing to prevent him from Father’s the next time.

.

.

Azula’s flame changed color not much longer after Father’s coronation. It had not been a conscious decision and it happened quite randomly. She wasn’t even training when orange flames turned into a light blue, she noticed too it felt much hotter than the orange one, but it lasted shorter too. Azula had read about blue fire once, but she had never known of anyone alive to do so. She closed her fist. She should feel honored, then why was it feeling like a burden? She opened her palm again and brought it back to life, it was blue.

Azula stayed all night watching the fire burn in front of her eyes. All her life if there was a thing, she could rely upon was her Fire Bending skill, that was all she had, her own fire. And she would watch the world burn if that was what it took to reach the place where she wanted to be. Fire, she knew, was power, and blue fire would bring even more upon her. however, she couldn’t help but to wonder what it meant; not Fire Lord Sozin before, not Fire Lord Azulon, and not even her father had blue flames like her. Could that mean she was more powerful than them?

The fire in the center of her hand extinguished. No. it was wrong to think in such aay, there was no one more powerful than the Firelord, no one more powerful than her Father. Not even her. it was not her place to think in such way. The flame aviated again. He must certainly think the same, right? He wouldn’t see her as a threat, would he? And if he did, would her life be at risk as her brother’s had been? Would she have to follow her own advice and run away before it was too late? No, he couldn’t He just couldn’t.

Yet, disturbance danced in her head, so she turned to the only person that was still there for her. Despite their differences, Zuko remained her brother, even if he hated training with her or if he didn’t bring her pies on her birthday. Azula thought beforehand the risk it implied on Zuko knowing first than her father, but she decided it was a takeable one.

Zuko was almost asleep when she barged in and stood in front of his bed, close to his face. She didn’t dare sit on the spot in had been once reserved for her, she was no longer a child and she didn’t need comfort from the dark, instead she just stood.

“Zuzu! Zuzu look!” she whispered, careful not to advise she was up past her bedtime.

“Leave me alone, Azula. I am trying to sleep” Zuko muttered as he turned to the other side, no longer facing her. Azula rolled her eyes, her brother could be so stubborn sometimes. But Azula was even more and, unlike Zuko, she had a higher succeeding rate than him. She climbed to his bed and grabbed him, making him turn to her.

“I don’t care. Look” she told him, but he was still struggling to try to get off her grip and go back to sleep. Azula didn’t like to think much on characteristics she may share with her brother, she liked to think she was nothing like him for she was better. Recognizing the same stubbornness in them would have been hard to admit had it not been so awfully obvious. She had always thought they had inherited it from Father.

“Get off, Azula! I am tryi-” Zuko began but was quickly interrupted by the surprise of seeing the blue fire in his sister’s flame. Azula looked at it too, still unused to the whiteish glow her flame irradiated. Zuko sat in his bed and now was looking at the blue glistening light in her palm the same way she had once looked at his own fire.

“Whoa!” he muttered. Azula felt the same way, unable to take her eyes off her own fire. Both Fire benders knew it was not wise to fire bend so close bedsheets and feather-pillows, but none of them cared much at the moment,; Azula was not a beginner, she was a _prodigy_ (her Father’s words), there was no need to worry about her setting things on fire. They could waste their time being hypnotized by such hot flame.

“How did you do that?” Zuko asked. And wasn’t that the question she tried to keep quiet inside her head?

How had she done it? She wasn’t sure yet, she wasn’t even aiming for it, it just occurred. Azula had never gotten things out of nowhere, she had always worked towards them, _for_ them. So, the only explanation she had for her fire was that she had been breaking her back carrying the weight of being the _best_ fire bender, the bender her father could be proud of. This must be her reward; this was just her hard work paying off. Nevertheless, if Zuko wanted for her to point out specifically what did she do, she wouldn’t be able to tell, it was the sum of all the things she did and didn’t do, not just something as simple as if she had woken up one day and decided to change her flame.

“I don’t know, it just changed” apparently, her answer had not satisfied him, for he looked confused about it. While on normal circumstances Azula enjoyed being the one putting confusion into her brother’s head and messing with him, she couldn’t help a certain doubt cripple through her mind.

“When do you think I should tell dad?” she softly asked, the flame was getting smaller in her hand. She frowned; she normally could keep her flame burning alive much more longer than that. Her new flame took much more effort to keep alive, she realized, it burned faster.

“I don’t think you should tell dad.” Zuko answered too fast. Azula frowned; there was no doubt behind Zuko’s conflicted look; even he must realize the implications of her newfound talent; he would never catch up to her. they both knew she was the best bender among them, but this settled it. It was final, there would be no space for competition now, there was no way he would win against her. She was the lucky one, not him.

“Why don’t you just keep it between us for a while, please?” She hadn’t expected him to be so blatantly truthful with it; she should have, Zuko hadn’t learned yet after all these years the art of manipulation, instead, he spoke with honesty and asked her, almost begged for her to keep it quiet. And while she could have, she knew there was no way she could hide it, no way her father wouldn’t found out.

And whether or not her father took her blue fire as something good or not, it would be worse if she didn’t directly tell him, if he even found out she had tried to hide it from him. No way Azula was betting on losing horses, she was not willing to sacrifice any kind of pride she had built of her to spare her brother’s feelings, not when the punishment would be against her for sure. She knew that all her options lead to the same path; someone being a disappointment. All paths had always led the same destiny with them, that was the only certainty they had, but there was no way of knowing on most times who would take the cursed road. It had always been like that among them, her or him, being burned or being the one burning, and right now Azula ad the upper word on who would be the one getting the praise and who would be the one taking the fall, and there was no way she was getting on the wrong side of her father just because Zuko was not as good of a bender like her. 

“No way I am not telling him. You are just jealous cause now you are so far behind.” She told him, closing her fist entirely. It had been stupid to think they could have ever replicated the moment when once they had been excited for the other’s accomplishments, just excited. Not jealousy, not competition among them. It had been stupid for Azula to come looking for something lost and forgotten in time and it was stupid for Azula to think they could be more than whatever the hell they were now. She had never felt more apart from her brother, even though at that moment they were both in the same bed.

“Azula, please. Just think about it-”

“No! I am telling father now.”

Zuko was right. _She was right._ Azula always lied. And right now, she was lying to herself by pretending she wasn’t mad about Zuko’s attitude. She concealed the best she could and instead she smirked. She was fear pass through her brother’s eyes. It wasn’t fair he was asking that from her, it wasn’t fair she had to hide it in herself just so cover him from their Father’s wrath, it wasn’t her fault _. It wasn’t her fault_.

And so, she did, and she regretted it in the morning when she woke up sore after all the Katas her father had made her perform for him to better observe her fire. Still, it was worth calming all her doubts. How could she ever doubt his love for her? Azula was her loyal daughter, his only pride. Father wouldn’t dare set her aside and leave Zuko a clear path to the throne. He _needed_ her. besides, shouldn’t he be proud? Of having such a powerful bender with his blood, with his name? Yes, Father would be proud and pleased by her, besides it wasn’t like Azula wanted something to herself, all her merits were Father’s as well and this one would be too. She was her humble, loyal daughter after all.

Azula found out almost a year later loyalty meant nothing to him.

.

.

Zuko was a terrible liar and yet he concealed it the most right now. He had a stern look on his face and looked fearless. Azula knew better than to fall for such lie. She tightened the armband around his arm, trying to get some kind of reaction out of him, but he didn’t even hiss. Nothing, he kept quiet, jaw clenched, and eyes lost in the distance. Whether they liked it or not, they knew each other better than anyone else, and even if he might look stoic and fierce for anyone else Azula knew better.

Zuko was scared, and she knew it from the moment he asked her to help him prepare. There was not much to help him with, only the armbands that Azula was quite sure he could get on his own if he had wanted to. But he hadn’t. Instead, he had asked her to come help, and that was how she knew he was scared.

She started rolling the other one around his arm.

Azula had heard the gossip around when news wanted to travel around the palace never seemed big enough. There was an Agni Kai to be held this afternoon. Agni Kais were not weird per se, they were not frequent enough though, but they were not weird. There were one maybe every two or three years, and there hadn’t been one in four years now it was almost time for one. Azula almost enjoyed them; most of the people fighting in Agni Kais, more even in such high ranks, were excellent fire benders, and she liked to learn from them, she never did much learning though they never did new movements or different techniques and they always ended the same; with one of them surrounding and losing their honor and the other one easily winning. Azula was not surprised to know someone else had screwed up and been challenged into an Agni Kai, she was not even excited to attend it was more a formality nowadays, but she was shocked to find out who had been the one being challenged.

Never in her life would Azula have thought she would get to witness her brother dueling in an Agni Kai. She was almost excited for him, maybe it was his chance to prove his honor and his worth, however, that meant her going down; if Zuko got higher in Father’s scale she was getting below, there was no way among them one won without the other losing. Yet, she didn’t quite want him to lose; what would be of her if he was expelled from the Fire Nation? If he lost his honor? What would be of _him_? No, for the first time losing was not an option Zuko had. Zuko had always been second best, the “lucky to be born” one, the one who always lost against her, but now he needed to win, she needed to pass some of her luck, some of her skill if she didn’t want him to lose.

But, how would he? Zuko always lost against her, never once had he beaten her in more than three years, Zuko didn’t even know how to win. Azula knew that despite never winning against her, it didn’t mean he was a bad bender, just that she was the best. But, objectively, he was good, almost better than average. She could totally see him winning against some petty general or some last rank officer, but if the opponent was anywhere near as close as her he would never stand a chance.

Azula tightened the arm-band.

She wanted to wish him luck, she wanted to tell him she didn’t want to see him lose, she wanted to tell him she didn’t want him to lose, she wanted to tell him many things, but she didn’t. She didn’t quite know what could be said among them then; they had spent so many times fighting against each other that the one time she wanted to be by his side she couldn’t, she didn’t know how. That didn’t stop her from trying though.

“Zuko, go for left-side attacks. That is your best side. Do not forget to cover you right.” She advised him. If there was someone who knew Zuko’s weaknesses were, was her, the very person who exploited them every time they fought, and won.

“Thanks” he drily answered. He hadn’t even looked yet at her, he kept staring at the door; he walked towards it, ready to face his destiny.

“And Zuko?” she addressed him for what neither of them knew would be the last time. This time he did turned slightly back, to where she was. “Do not lose. Either you win or die trying to protect your honor, but you do not come back a loser. I will not be shamed for having you as a brother.”

They did not know that would be their last interaction for more than three years.

“I won’t.” And Agni, Azula hoped he would not.

In a span of three years, Azula went from being fifth to the throne to second.

.

.

Ever since showing Father her blue fire, training sessions had gotten harder. He had told her that now that she held such skill, she needed to learn what real power was like, light bending.

Being the prodigy she was, Azula learned the basis of light bending in time and form, but that had not been apparently good enough for Father, who had looked disappointed that all she could do were mere sparkles. Nevertheless, ever since the Agni Kai Azula’s light bending took a quick improvement for the better, apparently all she had needed was some kind of _motivation_.

Truth was, ever since her brother had been banished, all eyes were on her, for better and for worse. There was no mistake, no little misstep her father would not notice now on her, not having Zuko around to grab the bad attention became counterproductive; it was as if even though he lost the Agni Kai and he was gone he brought some kind of downfall other as well. It was the first time she had not won at his expense. Needless to say, Azula had been struggling with more than sparkles before, but after the Agni Kai the whole bending became way easier.

No, it was not _easier_ per se. It had become an urgency more than ever to master it, she was not going to risk her father being mad at her, much less disappointed. She was not about to substitute Zuko’s role in the family, which was being a constant failure. Instead, she would cover it with success, she was there to be everything she needed to be and everything her father had wanted once Zuko to be. It had not become any easier to bend lightning, the tips of her fingers still get burned from time to time, but Azula made it look easier; her teachers were impressed by her fast progress, not knowing she escaped her room every night and trained till her bones hurt, her teachers praised her control over sparks, not knowing Azula didn’t even feel the pain electricity caused against her palm anymore. “She is indeed a prodigy” they told her father and he seemed pleased. Azula knew herself she was no natural with light bending, but she would find herself dead before even admitting it out loud. _Azula always lied_. 

As months passed by, Azula become to be an expert on Light bending as well, she wasn’t quite a master just yet, like she was with fire, but she was still the very best the Fire Nation had for a bender. Azula knew that was what they said of her; no other bender had been a Fire bending master at such short age, like her, and definitely, no bender had ever controlled with such expertise lightning before the very age of fourteen. Not even her father, or her grandfather, Agni, not even Sozin. But Azula didn’t like to think about that. She was not outdoing herself every day to become better than the people who came before her, she was doing it to make her father proud and that was that.

Sure, she wouldn’t go as far as humbling herself into being at Zuko’s level of bending (or anybody else for the matter), she knew she was the best fire bender around, just not better than her father. She couldn’t stand those whispers for one simple reason; if she was better than her father, then why wasn’t he proud? Why wasn’t he happy for her development? She could not be possibly better than the very person she tried to please, or he wouldn’t have to be pleased. There were still holes for her to fill, things for her to do so she could be even half as good as him.

And so she kept training and studying all days almost every day, as second in line she needed to know how to rule a nation; in four years she took down more knowledge on politics and inner affairs than she had in the rest of her life, but she took it and took it well. There was nothing that could be sent her way without her being able to take it, and she had proven that over and over again. Not even lightning was rival for her now.

It was more like some kind of ally who did her bid, and as any ally, it would kill her if she let her guard down; one false move and she was toasted. She had to be precise; the word almost didn’t exist in her vocabulary when it was about bending lightning, it was all or nothing. And she would accept nothing but _perfection_ from it, from _her._

Fire, lightning it was all the same thing about: control. People who compared fire to indomitable, fierce beasts were not far from right; fire was merciless, relentless and if one did not know how to control it, how to tame it well, you paid the price. Azula knew better than anyone how important control was on one’s general life; control saved you from doing dumb things, control made you reach further things; you are master of your destiny if you learn control you decide where and when do you arrive; how fast. Control over yourself made you control lightning at such young age, control made you not do stupid things that got you in an Agni Kai and banished in the end. Control over others got you allies and company, control over other things got you _fire_.

.

.

Looking back at it, at all of it, Azula recognized control made her feel safe as if her life and the words future laid in the palm of her hand and nothing wrong could come out. She chuckled, she had been fourteen and so wrong, and, in the end, control (more like lack from it) was what had made her lose; lose her friends, her mother, her brother, the Agni Kai, and her mind. But most importantly, her fire. Azula gazed at the tiny flame that danced in the palm of her hand and remembers having it once seen it this way as a kid, with awe and something that fear yet not touched. She closed her fist, softly as she did not want to hurt it.

The door began to open and through the curtain of hair that covered her face she could spot Zuko coming in. She put her hair behind her ear as she waited for him to take his spot next to her. Azula was sitting in her bed, back against a white wall and knees upon to her chest, surrounded by her own arms. Zuko took seat next to her left, more over the edge. Over the last few years that they had been in good terms Azula had learned a lot about her brother just as he had from her; it was as if they were getting to know each other for the first time and they could tear up the walls they had so specifically built around their hearts. It was so weird how different they had experienced their childhood and yet how similar it all was, Azula was glad there was someone with whom she could share her pain and would understand, or at least try.

Zuko had changed ever since he first visited her here as well; his hair was longer now just under his shoulder; he had a couple of mini braids hidden then and there and Azula didn’t need to ask who had made them. Zuko liked to let his hair free when he visited her, and she enjoyed putting it back into a semi-topknot before he left. It was a nice habit they had grown; combing each other’s hair came as a relaxing therapy in which they laid each other open for the other, in which they trusted them with one of the most precious things they had and let them handle it. Zuko’s hair was the longest it had ever been, and Azula was somehow proud of him for it.

“Hey” he broke the silence first. Zuko could have been visiting her every Tuesday for almost three years and still could not begin a conversation to save his life, Azula would find it hilarious if she wasn’t as bad at communication well; she thought she was nice at it until she learned she wasn’t; she was good at commanding and ordering, not communicating, not something that was reciprocal, that was still work in progress for her, for them.

“Hey” she answered.

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” he asked her. Azula wanted to say yes, that she had been ready ever since losing her fire to win it back, but she had promised herself to make an effort to be honest with herself, even if the truth scared her.

“Honestly? No. I am scared I don’t get my fire back and it seems as if that is your last option.” She answered.

“And if you didn’t, would that be so bad? My best friend, the best person I know, is a nonbender, does that make him any less?” Azula rolled her eye, not because the question, but rather on the way her brother always found a way to make it all bout his Water Tribe crush.

“You know you can just say your boyfriend, right?” she asked with a mocking tone. “ _My best friend_ , get out of here with that crap.” She teased him even more. Despite all her progress, teasing Zuko would always be a joy in her life; he was just so easy to stress; like now, that with just one little innocent comment her silly brother was blushing all over his face.

“We are not-He is not-”

“Poor Zuzu, cannot even manage one complete sentence over how lovestruck you are. You are pathetic.” She continued her teasing. Zuko shut his mouth and she giggled. She was glad somethings didn’t change, even if the essence within them did.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” He answered after a while. Honestly, that came as a surprise to absolutely no one; everybody with eyes and a functioning brain could guess how enamored Zuko was, he thought he was so subtle, and yet he always brought Sokka back; “The other day, Sokka did this”, “Azula, you would not believe what Sokka just invented”,”Sokka is so smart, I barely understand what he talks about”,”Sokka did this thing the other day and it was the best!”,”Sokka wrote me about this”,”Sokka is doing this and that” and “Sokka that, and this, and that, and bla, bla, bla, Sokka, 😍, Sokka, 😍, Sokka”. Agni he was fucking annoying, or he would be if Azula didn’t enjoy, a little at least, to see her brother so happy.

“Seriously, why aren’t you darting him again?”

“Its complic-“

“Complicated. I know. You’ve said it a million times.” She interrupted him. Of course, it was complicated, Sokka was busy rebuilding his own nation and dealing with the problems of it just as Zuko was busy trying to fix everything over at the Fire Nation.

They both went quiet after that until Azula remembered she hadn’t answered his question and had deflected into him instead. It hadn’t been in purpose, but she had, and she had come to face the fact that there were truths that just because one didn’t say them out loud didn’t mean you could escape from them. And sometimes speaking them made them lighter, so she gave this truth a try:

“But to answer your question. I don’t think so. I mean there was a time it would have been the worst thing ever happen to me; it was in fact. My fire…” she made a pause as she remembered all the highlights in her life in which fire had been the main character from it, it was all of it. “My fire was the one thing I could always rely on, the one thing I had full control over, the one thing people feared me and appreciated me for. It made me who I was. Now? Well, I have changed, and I guess my fire, or its absence, has as well. I wouldn’t mind if I don’t get to fire bend again, I just… I just wish I had another chance to see how far I can go when treating the fire right, with respect more than as a weapon.” she said.

It was true now; she no longer was who she was because of her fire; fire no longer made her complete. Instead, it was the other way around, small as it may be, Azula _made_ her own fire, and not the other way around. She no longer burned inside just to shine.

Zuko got quiet.

“I cannot really promise anything, but for what it matters, I am sure you will get it, that chance, again.” Azula gave him a soft. There had been a time once when having someone hoping for things for her rather than out of her would seem such a weird idea, but nowadays it wasn’t. she had her brother by her side who always wanted the best for her, and not _out of_ her, and Azula was so grateful for that.

“Thanks, Zuko.”

“Your welcome Azula.”

Azula fell asleep that night, dreaming of dragons, lightning, and fire, but for the first time in so much time, it was not nightmares that haunt her with burning screams, but rather a pleasant, warm dream.


End file.
